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To be beyond livid.

(70 Posts)
Altinkum Thu 23-May-13 20:51:46

I posted a few months back, that my uncle was dying and his last wish was to be buried beside his brother (my dad) today he sadly passed away.

My mum and sister has decided that he will be buried beside him, that plot was originally for my mum and sister.
I've had no desisions in this, even tho it was me who paid for the head stone, the flowers, the plaques, etc...

I feel awful and sad that my uncle has passed away, but I've never felt this anger, I've told them both nthats the case, I will remove dads headstone and they will never see me again.

Bringmewineandcake Fri 24-May-13 11:44:15

I too remember your original thread. So sorry it has come to this.
It sounds like your uncle has now got his wish ie. taking your mum's spot because there were no other spaces left in the family graveyard.
Rant on here, not much point ranting any more at your mum - she's already suffered at the hands of her husband's family and has been bullied into this by your sister. She needs you.
brew

Pigsmummy Fri 24-May-13 11:37:05

You have said more than once that you love your Uncle, so is the anger directed at his family rather than him?

If the decision/agreement has been made that he will be buried there then I don't see how you can change this tbh? Your Mum isn't going to stand up and withdraw the agreement now is she? So falling out with her about it isn't helpful, hand on heart you know that she will let this happen. I hope that you can move on without falling out with your Mum, she sounds like she needs more support not less. Also please don't take away the headstone, you did that your father.

I hope that you can find some peace.

Altinkum Fri 24-May-13 10:29:51

In England.

My family will be buried in Scotland.

Tomorrowslookingfine Fri 24-May-13 10:27:49

OP where will you be buried?

wonderingagain Fri 24-May-13 10:09:15

I'm wondering why your uncle wanted this. Do you think he did it because he wanted to move away from his parents? If that's the case they will see that in the long term. He must have been very torn, perhaps this is his way of of telling his family he doesn't want anything yo do with them any more. Perhaps they can't see that yet.

Hullygully Fri 24-May-13 09:37:58

what a horrible horrible nightmare xx

Cockadoodlequack Fri 24-May-13 09:32:51

I can feel your anger. I'm not an angry person at all, but I too would be beyond livid with this.

This level of anger is only going to affect you and your life, so since it looks like you are not going to get any of these people to see reason, please treat yourself as kindly as you can and follow the course of action which will involve the least additional hurt to YOU. flowers Try to detatch yourself from the hurt of this new situation for a few minutes at a time to think about whether losing your mum will be more painful than keeping a relationship going despite this.

I'm really sorry this is happening to you. x

diddl Fri 24-May-13 09:20:32

Why would your Aunt & Uncle "go in" together if they were separated?

diddl Fri 24-May-13 09:19:15

Well if the plot belongs to your Mum, then you have to let her decide what happens.

Why your sister would want to be buried with her Dad & Uncle, or thinks your Mum should be buried with her husband & BIL is totally beyond me, though!

Altinkum Fri 24-May-13 09:09:53

Partly, he didn't get involved, walked past her in the street, basically condoned the behaviour.

wonderingagain Fri 24-May-13 09:07:40

Was the brother responsible for your mum's treatment?

Altinkum Fri 24-May-13 09:02:53

My aunt is in a plot, her long term partner will go in with her, so hence another space left. So I don't understand why he can't go in this space.

My other aunt is buried inbeside her mother a father. So no spaces left.

My family plot has two spaces left, but uncle asked to be buried with his brother, he has family, 4 children, however is divorced.

Theirs is no more space at the graveyard.

My sister now has the deeds, so its all going ahead.

wonderingagain Fri 24-May-13 08:49:30

I agree this is a control issue. I had something similar happen and as soon as i realised it was about control I let it drop and went ahead and organised my own things myself. My mother is still confused but my strength is making her see that you can refuse, walk away and hold your head high. I realised who my family really were as I got support from people who actually respected me. The others disappeared from my life which was sad but at least I still have my self-respect.

RubyGates Fri 24-May-13 08:25:21

I don't get why your uncle wants to be burried beside his brother. Isn't there a more appropriate family member/plot . (Spouse/ parents if not married)

I don't really understand why your sister wants to burried there either.... surely when the time comes in the future there will be a spouse of her own she will want to share a plot with?

An adult being burried next to his brother is very odd unless both of them are unmarried and childless. (Or unless there's a family crypt/tomb where everyone goes).

This is clearly a control issue and they've got you just where they want you, I can see why you'd be hopping mad.

Traditionally family plots hold spouses and unmarried children (often in the past infant children who were burried before the parents). I've never seen a headstone/headstones that suggest two grown and married siblings sharing a plot.

I hope that you can find peace and resolution on this issue, and that you can understand that your mother needs to do the quickest and most expedient thing so she doesn't have to think about it for longer than necessary. This is her way of gaining the peace she needs.

Altinkum Fri 24-May-13 07:37:58

Wondering I wasn't being buried with my family, their is no spaces left in the graveyard.

I've woke up today thinking I'm feelings would ease over and they haven't.

Its yet another desisions and that been took out if my hands with my mum and sister.

I've sent my mum this message and if it does go ahead I can't condone it, this isn't something I want.

**I can't believe you think so little off me, do you honestly think this is about money, are you really that thick!!! That plot and stone was for you, dad and Lee- Anne, hence why I bought it, its been of that understanding for all of these years and more predominately the last few months I couldn't give a flying shinny fook about the money, THIS IS NOT ABOUT MONEY!!! I won't stand by and allow this to happen. You and Lee-Anne have made your decision without a second thought of my wishes and how I am feeling, you have always wanted to be buried in beside my dad/your husband and only a few months ago you were determined you weren't being buried beside my uncle George.

I love my uncle george, and I get this is his last wish.

But I feel strongly about this, I lost my childhood home because of this family, watched and endured what they put you through, but to me this is the finial straw, I've forgave them but I will never forgive them.

Yet again I'm always the last one in this family to be told, or even allowed to have a say, but as I was told repeatedly throughout my childhood only one child was wanted, and that prevails even into adulthood.

I love you with all my heart, I've always been their as much as I possibly could, with the distance between us. And I will keep loving you forever. But I can't do this anymore**

StuntGirl Fri 24-May-13 00:37:17

I remember your original thread, YANBU. I'm so sorry its come to this. flowers

wonderingagain Thu 23-May-13 23:23:34

Tell your Mum that if you die you won't be put in with your uncle and you will get your own plot, that she is welcome to join you.

Does she have a Will?

Altinkum Thu 23-May-13 23:09:58

As a tradiitional catholic family burial it has to be, no other choice will be acceptable by dads family.

Even tho they are not practising Catholics hmm and only go to church for christenings, weddings and funerals.

piprabbit Thu 23-May-13 23:02:16

Would cremating your uncle be an option at all? Then maybe his ashes could be interred in the family grave with room still for your mum and sister?

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Thu 23-May-13 23:00:23

I can see you're really distressed by this, but I really think you need to find a way to let it go

These decisions are not yours to make and they are not worth losing your family over

If you don't own the plot and you weren't going to be buried there then this doesn't directly affect you, and I can understand why it's hard to see your mum put under pressure it is her decision to make

AlbertoFrog Thu 23-May-13 22:59:58

Altinkum I am so sorry.

Do things have to be decided straight away? Are you able to send your mum an email, try to explain things rationally, without things getting heated over the phone?

Sounds horrific but perhaps your mum's new idea of cremation will be a blessing in disguise and you can think of a place (or places) with happy memories where her ashes can be scattered.

thanks to you.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Altinkum Thu 23-May-13 22:55:07

My sister couldn't care less, she lies at every opportunity, she is not under pressure at all.

My mum said that she didn't know what to do, but as soon as mum said yes, sister went straight to dads family and told them, with or without my concent this is happening.

I'm beyond devastated, I can't describe how I am feeling.

I loved my uncle, but this what I'm feeling is not grief, is hurt beyond measures that even I can't describe or know how to deal with.

I will lose my family over this, that desisions I know for sure.

wonderingagain Thu 23-May-13 22:49:46

Your Mum is the only one who can make decisions. A trip to a solicitor to sign something might be helpful, if your Mum is making decisions under duress it might protect her.

You could try a free hearing with a solicitor to see if there is anything you can do to protect her. Also, try talking to your sister, it may be that she is also under pressure.

WandaDoff Thu 23-May-13 22:44:42

Sorry X post

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