To be beyond livid.

(70 Posts)
Altinkum Thu 23-May-13 20:51:46

I posted a few months back, that my uncle was dying and his last wish was to be buried beside his brother (my dad) today he sadly passed away.

My mum and sister has decided that he will be buried beside him, that plot was originally for my mum and sister.
I've had no desisions in this, even tho it was me who paid for the head stone, the flowers, the plaques, etc...

I feel awful and sad that my uncle has passed away, but I've never felt this anger, I've told them both nthats the case, I will remove dads headstone and they will never see me again.

Altinkum Thu 23-May-13 21:18:51

I'm not paying the costs of my uncles funeral.

The plot only holds 3 coffins, my dads, mums and sisters - their is only two spaces left, so it means either my mum or sister won't be buried in with dad.

My uncle played a part in the treatment against my mother. He used to walk by her in the street.

LEMisdisappointed Thu 23-May-13 21:23:37

Why did your dads family do that to your mum? Why on earth are any of you having anything to do with that family now? It sounds horrendous flowers

wonderingagain Thu 23-May-13 21:24:30

Blimey. People will tell you to calm down, you're in shock, but I think you absolutely have the right to assert yourself here. You are not next of kin but if you paid for the plot you have rights. Speak to the cemetery and explain the situation.

weisswusrt Thu 23-May-13 21:24:46

Um, have i missed something.....where will you be buried OP? Could the uncle be cremated and scattered next to his brother instead?

Altinkum Thu 23-May-13 21:24:58

Greylady my mum hasn't spoken to them since their attack on her, (9 years ago) no she couldn't go to the police (howver the attack and photos are on her medical records) as she had a complete mental breakdown, she was forced out of my childhood home due to them.

They spit at her in the street, intimidate her (found her address and sent takeaways, emergency services etc) ... She moved again as again, they walk past her in streets shouting and yelling etc....

My sister choose my dads family over my mum to attend her wedding reception, as mum couldn't cope with it, she needed medicated just to attend my sister vows.

Altinkum Thu 23-May-13 21:27:53

Myself and my mum are not, we take very little to do with them, I attend funerals, but that's to represent my dad.

They hate my mum, for having a relationship with my dads alcoholic best friend (my dad was a acute alcoholic and died so).

wonderingagain Thu 23-May-13 21:28:38

These people need an exclusion order put on them to keep away from your mother - is there any way you can arrange that?

Altinkum Thu 23-May-13 21:30:59

Wondering they don't have contact through my mum, they have it through my sister.

She keeps in touch with dads family.

DontmindifIdo Thu 23-May-13 21:34:17

Who owns the plot? Is it your mum? If so, can you talk to her again, tell her you'll speak for her and you will tell your Uncle's family it's not happening - can she sign it over to you at all? If so, then it'll be your permission they need and they aren't getting it.

Given how they have behaved, I'd tell them they back down or you will start pushing your mum to go to the police over their behaviour and/or you'll get your father's remains moved. Someone needs to stand up to them (and your sister) you're going to have to do it, it doesn't sound like your mum is strong enough and it's not fair to expect her to be.

piprabbit Thu 23-May-13 21:38:35

Is the desire for your uncle to be buried next to your father coming from a place of reconciliation and love, or is to coming from an attempt to reclaim your father and prevent him being reunited with your mother when the time comes?

It does sound horrific, and I have to admit to not really understanding your sister's role.

thegreylady Thu 23-May-13 22:09:31

Tell them the photographs are on your mum's records and that you will not hesitate to use them if they persist in their bullying.
Your sister is behaving very very badly imho.

MummytoKatie Thu 23-May-13 22:10:35

Have you pointed out to your sister that, as she is presumably expected to outlive your mother, it is her plot that your uncle is taking?

BriansBrain Thu 23-May-13 22:15:33

Terrible situation all round. What does your sister have to say about it and who owns the plot of land?

cloutiedumpling Thu 23-May-13 22:23:24

Is it a Council owned cemetery? IME they are very helpful indeed in explaining who purchased a lair and who now requires to give consent before someone can be buried there.

Altinkum Thu 23-May-13 22:36:48

I've just had a massive row with my mother.

According to my mum, I'm "casting up" that I've bought the head stone, and apparently she will give me the money back when she can.... Because my sister told her I mentioned that I brought the headstone.

I've had to put the phone down, do they honestly think this is about money? I couldn't care less, I really couldn't.

This family have treated us like scum, they have put my mum in hospital, made me lose my family home.

That plot was for my dad, mum and sister, as well as the headstone.

That's for MY family!

wonderingagain Thu 23-May-13 22:38:01

Who went to the undertakers and the cemetery and arranged the plot?

Altinkum Thu 23-May-13 22:40:20

My mum holds the deeds to the land, she "owns" the deeds for 100 years, and then the concil I believe can do what try want with the lad.

Apparently mum now wants cremated and sister apparently is not bothered.

Only two days ago it was a complete different set of wishes, they were completely against the idea.

Altinkum Thu 23-May-13 22:43:17

My mum and sister, I didn't get a say...

WandaDoff Thu 23-May-13 22:44:07

I own the plot that my Dad is in. Who own's your Dad's plot?

OHforDUCKScake Thu 23-May-13 22:44:11

I think your mum is understandably very scared and you need to be sympathetic towards her and not angry.

You've all suffered.

But your mum more than anyone from what you've said. I expect she, quite understandably, will do anything for a quiet life.

WandaDoff Thu 23-May-13 22:44:42

Sorry X post

wonderingagain Thu 23-May-13 22:49:46

Your Mum is the only one who can make decisions. A trip to a solicitor to sign something might be helpful, if your Mum is making decisions under duress it might protect her.

You could try a free hearing with a solicitor to see if there is anything you can do to protect her. Also, try talking to your sister, it may be that she is also under pressure.

Altinkum Thu 23-May-13 22:55:07

My sister couldn't care less, she lies at every opportunity, she is not under pressure at all.

My mum said that she didn't know what to do, but as soon as mum said yes, sister went straight to dads family and told them, with or without my concent this is happening.

I'm beyond devastated, I can't describe how I am feeling.

I loved my uncle, but this what I'm feeling is not grief, is hurt beyond measures that even I can't describe or know how to deal with.

I will lose my family over this, that desisions I know for sure.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlbertoFrog Thu 23-May-13 22:59:58

Altinkum I am so sorry.

Do things have to be decided straight away? Are you able to send your mum an email, try to explain things rationally, without things getting heated over the phone?

Sounds horrific but perhaps your mum's new idea of cremation will be a blessing in disguise and you can think of a place (or places) with happy memories where her ashes can be scattered.

thanks to you.

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