To be beyond livid.

(70 Posts)
Altinkum Thu 23-May-13 20:51:46

I posted a few months back, that my uncle was dying and his last wish was to be buried beside his brother (my dad) today he sadly passed away.

My mum and sister has decided that he will be buried beside him, that plot was originally for my mum and sister.
I've had no desisions in this, even tho it was me who paid for the head stone, the flowers, the plaques, etc...

I feel awful and sad that my uncle has passed away, but I've never felt this anger, I've told them both nthats the case, I will remove dads headstone and they will never see me again.

Gruntfuttocks Thu 23-May-13 20:55:08

Don't make any hasty decisions right now - you are all shocked and grieving, and it's not a good time to start issuing ultimatums that you may regret later.

For what it's worth, most grave plots are able to hold a number of people, so just because your uncle is buried there, doesn't mean other family members can't be added later.

Sorry, that sounds really awful, but given how strongly you feel about this, maybe that might have an impact on your decision?

ivanapoo Thu 23-May-13 20:55:34

This must be a hard time for you, bringing up a lot of pain about your father's death.

I will say very gently that at the moment your anger and pain are raw and to cut yourself off from your family over this might be something you regret. At this moment you need to be supporting each other.

Can you reach a compromise?

CinnabarRed Thu 23-May-13 20:56:06

I'm sorry for your loss.

However, I just don't understand either the cause, or the depth, of your anger. It may be reaction/grief/shock.

May I respectfully suggest deferring any decision until you've had some time (and I mean days, not hours) to absorb what's happened?

LittleMissLucy Thu 23-May-13 20:56:15

YABU. People get angry about death and burials and its often just misplaced grief. You're doing yourself more harm than anything and its not worth destroying the relationship with your living relatives.

Have a cup of tea and a stroll around the block.

OHforDUCKScake Thu 23-May-13 20:59:06

Im confused OP, it was your uncles wish to be buried next to his brother but you're angry because this is going to happen?

OHforDUCKScake Thu 23-May-13 21:00:09

"Have a cup of tea a stroll around the block"

Seriously? hmm

CinnabarRed Thu 23-May-13 21:01:25

What's wrong with that? Better than going for a drive or getting smashed, surely.

Altinkum Thu 23-May-13 21:01:27

My dads family beat my mum up so bad that she had to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital for 3 months, 2 weeks after dads death, they left their shoe prints in my mums body, they smashed her windows, they spit and ignore her in the streets, not one of them speak to my mum, including my uncle.

My mum couldn't even attend my sisters wedding die to the anxiety she gets with them.

Yet because of the pressure my sister has put on my mum, and my mum feeling she must because of his last wishes....

Too fooking right am I furious!!!

Oldraver Thu 23-May-13 21:02:39

Who owns the plot ? why is it for your Dad Mum and Sister what about you ?

Altinkum Thu 23-May-13 21:03:17

None of them helped with the funeral costs, instead they stole from the money mum received from the state to pay for it, hence why I needed to pay for the headstone.

Altinkum Thu 23-May-13 21:04:02

Only 3 people can go in, I don't live in Scotland anymore, my life is in England.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Thu 23-May-13 21:04:19

Sorry for your loss

I do think YABU but its not an easy situation

Who bought the plot?

CinnabarRed Thu 23-May-13 21:04:40

OK. That does put a different gloss on things.

Would have been helpful to know that from the start.

If your mother is vulnerable to pressure from your sister, how is separating yourself from your mother while leaving her under your sister's influence going to help anything?

HintofBream Thu 23-May-13 21:04:49

Altinkum, sorry but I am not clear, his last wish was to buried beside your dad, but then you say "my mum and sister has decided he will be buried beside him". I don't understand the difference.
Whatever the situation, you must be very, very, sad and upset, but try, as the others have said, not to make any hasty decisions. Plenty of people on here will know you through your posts and will be thinking of you with concern and sympathy.

CinnabarRed Thu 23-May-13 21:05:13

And do you normally like and respect your sister?

You are going to take your dads headstone from your dads resting place because his brother is going to be buried beside him now too?

I can understand your anger, but it doesn't matter who else is there, its still your dads grave too.

It sounds like your mum might need support and understanding rather than you pressuring her too, can you give it a couple of days and calmly talk to her, she might not be strong enough to say no without support.

Sorry you are in this situation sad

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Thu 23-May-13 21:07:32

Isn't it up to whoever owns the burial plot? Who owns that op?

TSSDNCOP Thu 23-May-13 21:08:55

Could it be that given your fathers family's treatment your mother would prefer to be buried elsewhere?

Altinkum Thu 23-May-13 21:10:53

We found out he was dying a few months back, he told of his wishes then, as a family we decided to stay with the original plan, that the plot was for dad, mum and sister.

He died at 2pm, at around 8ish sister phoned to say that she told dads family that he was being buried beside dad. She went to mums house for the first time since December and sister out pressure on mum, until she relented,!i phoned mum, she knew is be angry, for months and months she has said she does not want to be buried with uncle or on top of uncle.

Altinkum Thu 23-May-13 21:12:36

No my mums wants to be buried in raise her husband, and my sister in beside her mother and father.

Well that was the plan.

Altinkum Thu 23-May-13 21:12:59


kinkyfuckery Thu 23-May-13 21:14:00

You uncle wanted to be buried next to your dad, and you're angry that's what is happening?
Was your uncle involved in the assault on your mum?If not, why are you so angry with him? If so, why did you pay for the funeral costs?

kinkyfuckery Thu 23-May-13 21:15:25

Oh wait, you paid the costs for your dad's funeral, not your uncle's?

thegreylady Thu 23-May-13 21:17:38

This is so very hard for everyone.Your mum has obviously been intimidated by these horrible people but if she has now given her consent you can't do much unless you can go up there and stand with your mum and say NO.If your mum was assaulted by them did she complain to the police?
Will she stand up to them if you are there?Can you talk to your sister?

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