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to think my friend is deluded or am I just pessimistic?

(65 Posts)
MrsHuxtable Tue 21-May-13 13:53:54

So, my childless friend and I just had a conversation about having twins that are born a maximum of 2 years after a first child. (I'm newly pregnant with No2 and due to increased twin risk worried that it's what might happen to me).

I said that I know someone who has this set-up and that the women is a wreck. She openly admitted that just running away is on her mind a lot. I can totally understand this as it must be so hard, physically and emotionally. It's a constant cycle of nappies, feeding, winding, nappies, feeding, winding. When one baby goes to sleep at night, the other wakes. and then there's the toddler in the terrible twos. No family around to help out either. A husband working long hours. The hassle of getting around with 3 so little etc.

My friend on the other hand thinks it sounds like a lovely set-up and that it wouldn't be a problem. That because you already have a child and are therefore an experienced mum, it would all be a breeze.

Is my friend being utterly deluded because she doesn't even know what it's like to look after one child?

Or am I being a pessimistic git who is an incompetent mother because I think I would be a total wreck under the circumstances described?

ClairesTravellingCircus Tue 21-May-13 16:40:13

That should have said "and if you are on your own" blush

15 months without a decent night here!

DeskPlanner Tue 21-May-13 16:50:13

Never listen to advice from childless friends. It's not usually helpful .

JamieandtheMagicTorch Tue 21-May-13 16:55:46

I found a 2 year old and a newborn very very hard. I think a 2 year old and twins would have pushed me over the edge.

I don't think you can really comment unless you've had one or two children, and know how you coped with that.

Some find motherhood (the early bit) easier than others

I have nearly 19 months between my toddler and my twins.

I am living the blur... I have one twin who Does. Not. Sleep. He has reflux. He is dairy, soya and egg free diet. The other is also cows milk protein intolerant. They weren't diagnosed until 6 months for one, a few weeks ago for the one who doesn't sleep. They are 13.5 months old. My toddler is 2 yrs 8 months. It is absolutely relentless, and feels worse because of the sleep deprivation (the non sleeper has 4-5 'in desperation' night feeds, wakes every 1-3 hours and always has done. Both were very discontented babies, no way, in hindsight, could I get two unhappy reflux babies in.a routine. Both were ebf too.

I thought if you had one that didn't sleep, what's the difference with two. I found out the hard way, after numerous nights when it'd get to 4am and I hadn't made it to bed as i settled one, then the other, then the first one again. We have a nanny now I'm back at work, an ex nursery worker who says my non sleeper is one of the most difficult babies she's ever looked after.

So, overall, a lot would depend on your twins. Now Mr. Non sleeper is walking and on meds for reflux he's miles happier, and for me, its way easier with him walking. His brother isn't yet though, so maybe I'll change my mind?! I won't, nothing could make me go back to those days

I also think twins then a singleton would be easier, as i couldn't manage going out by myself with an under 2 and 2 babies. You can't manoeuvre a double buggy round a playground to supervise your toddler, not in our local one anyway, and even if you could, mine will only sit in.the buggy while its moving and fairly briefly or its a cacophony of screaming. One baby you could have in a sling. I still can't manage a playground alone with 2 one year olds and a 2 year old.

All that being said though, I have a lot of family support, some paid help 2 days a week now (extra to my working two days) so that we can get out more and their twin interaction is so wonderful.

If i could have decided not to have twins, I wouldn't have. Maybe that wouldn't be the same without my help though?!

Hissy Tue 21-May-13 19:52:10

Someone once told me that having one child is like keeping a pet.

Having 2 is like keeping a ZOO.

smile

DinoSnores Tue 21-May-13 20:20:46

This will out me if anyone knows the same person, but a friend of mine had 4 under 3 at one point as a result of twins 3rd time round. She's got out the house most days, EBF for 6 months, DH not around much during the day because of her work. It is possible.

As for me, I've found going from 1 to 2 at home much much easier than just having 1 or being pregnant with a toddler.

rednellie Tue 21-May-13 21:00:08

I think it depends on the children, my twins are relatively speaking easy babies.We have a routine, but I'm always wary of.preaching.to.others because maybe that routine.just couldn't be imposed on other children. And there's nothing so demoralising to a parent of a genuinely high needs baby - oh you just need a good routine.

Having said all that, I have found it hard and my DD has found it hard and sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to have had two singletons but you know what, today dt1 was being pushed around on a trike by dt2 both laughing like hyenas their big sis shouting encouragement from the side lines...

rednellie Tue 21-May-13 21:01:43

So to answer the op, you are BabitU, but your friend is an idiot wink

baileyslover Tue 21-May-13 21:13:14

If you are high risk for twins what about triplets wink
My triplets were born when my older son was 20months. They are 9 months and 2 1/2 now and yes it has been a blur. As for sleep deprivation - In the first few weeks I was lucky to get 2 hours from 6am to 8am, and no day naps due to toddler.
I am still standing, just, but wouldn't change it for the world!

ChippingInLovesSpring Tue 21-May-13 21:22:50

Hux - your friend is a twat! Does that help wink

In all seriousness though, she doesn't sound like much of a friend sad

Twins are hard bloody work - twins with a toddler would have me on my knees... Baileys triplets would have me over the edge, triplets with a toddler and I'd have left home grin I'm glad you woudn't change it - but bloody hell, you must be knackered!!

rednellie you are wise as always. I love you a bit too much for pointing me in Dr Sears direction for some reassurance about high needs babies for my DT1 if not for all your other advice <sorry everyone, fellow twin mum from numerous threads>

Tiredsparrow Tue 21-May-13 21:31:16

I gave birth to twins with a 1 Going on 2 year old.

It wasn't as hard as people might think, although i did have a lot of help and support. like someone said previously I think a good routine helps.

I now have baby number 4 on the way. So that will be a 3 year old, twins at 1 (going on 2) and a new born. I have to say I don't get many congratulations, just looks of sympathy ha

I have 3.5mo twins. It's fucking hard. And they are pretty good babies. I would love 3 kids but the thought f another baby fills me with dread at the moment. Going from 1 to 3 - sounds like hell tbh.

And the sleep thing. I've had nights when it's got to 6am and I've had 1/2 hr sleep, I've had 4 or 5 nights like that in a row. And you can't simply pass the baby to your DH because that baby may well be hungry just as the other has fallen asleep.

Often they will only sleep during the day on top of the big tandem feeding pillow (which has me inside!) or with the buggy on the move so I NEVER get a break during the day, unless my DH is here to help. Even worse is if they don't sleep at roughly the same time during the day - those days a fucking awful.

But they are lovely and amazing and all mine and just starting to notice each other and smile at each other so I can just about forgive them the rough stuff.

Cakecrumbsinmybra Wed 22-May-13 10:44:18

Having read your other posts, I think your 'friend' is not really doing much for your self confidence, is she? It sounds like she puts you down at every opportunity, whether subconsciously or otherwise. Distance yourself a bit and stop confiding in her about your sex life, etc too.

Heleneahandcart1 Wed 22-May-13 11:25:02

I think you are being very pessimistic. I have 14 month old twins, an 11 year old and a 15 year old. I have never been more happier and chilled out about life since my twins were born. My husband works overseas for 2 months at a time and then comes home for 3 weeks. I don't really get any help from family or friends though I visit my parents a couple of times a week. I'm even thinking about ttc again knowing fine well theres a higj chance it could be twins again, the only thing that stops me is the space issue. in fact the only one who gives me any stress is the 15 year old.

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