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Who is BU? Me or DH

(77 Posts)
difficultultimatum Mon 20-May-13 20:37:37

I am a regular and have NCed for this. There is a lot more going on at the moment and I have posted about the surrounding issues previously and on relationships but I want to get a view of who is BU on a particular aspect (so if you know who I am, please don't out me)

I have been with DH 16 years, married 5.

This weekend we had a huge row. For some reason, the next morning, this prompted DH to access my facebook page and go through all my emails etc.

I have been in contact with my ex for about 4 years. We exchange e-mails and play Scrabble on-line. DH has been aware we are in some form of contact and about the Scrabble. My ex lives a good 7 hours away so we have not seen each other since split up. Ex is in a happy relationship with 3 step children.

The content of the emails between myself and my ex are mainly banal and casual chat. There was one exchange in Feb of this year where we had a pretty emotional and personal exchange about why we split up. I had an abortion just before we split and the baby would have been 16 this year. I saw photos of ex at his stepsons 16th birthday and for some reason I felt the need to address it. Other than that exchange (which was very personal to me) the e-mails carry on being casual chit chat.

There is one other e-mail that is a bit flirty (referencing ex looking good in a profile pic)

However, I was down in London recently where ex works and we had made noises about meeting up for a drink. We didn't in the end as we were both too busy, but I emailed ex saying "I could do lunch today" and he emailed back saying he couldn't as he was caught up with something. End of.

My friendship with my ex has become very important to me. There is no wanting to get back together on either side (and it would be logistically impossible even if we did). There was never any intent to meet for more than a quick coffee and say hi. But he is a good friend (and it has taken us a lot to get there). We care about each other but it's not sexual and it is no threat to DH

DH went ballistic. Smashed up the house, huge row.

He is furious about me looking at meeting up with my ex and not telling him. I didn't meet up so there was little to tell, but DH would have stopped me if I had. I believe I would have told him afterwards if we had met for a coffee.

Anyway DH feels betrayed, that I have been unfaithful (although I think he 99% accepts we didn't meet up, the intention is a betrayal in his eyes)

We have lots of other problems we need to work through but he is making this into a huge thing.

He still has my facebook access (he's changed my password) he played some Scrabble with my ex pretending to be me and he is reading all my emails etc

He now wants me to cut all contact with my ex. I have agreed to not flirt and to never meet up with him but agreeing to cut all contact feels too much. This friendship has become important to me and I enjoy his (virtual) company. Plus it just feels like too much control form DH - dictating who I can an cannot be friends with.

So, is DH BU for demanding I never speak to ex again or am I BU for not wanting to do that?

Sorry that was SO long

HollyBerryBush Mon 20-May-13 20:44:32

Everyone is allowed to have friends, and time moves the relationship you once had onto new ground.

An old BF has contacted me on FB - its plain and open for the world to see.

Been quite fun this evening, been putting up photos when we were 15 - but its there for the world to see.

There is the difference. You were covert in your correspondence.

But of course, if this were flipped, you were a man contacting an old GF about things in the past, you would be accused of an EA - which of course is what you have had by tramping over old ground and arranging to meet up, even though it never happened. You are reliant on him to a degree.

Euphemia Mon 20-May-13 20:47:18

Your DH is BU.

He obviously has huge trust issues, which it doesn't sound like you have anything to do with.

Are you prepared for this to be a deal-breaker though?

schoolgovernor Mon 20-May-13 20:48:53

Did your DH know that you chat to your ex on Facebook? If he did then I don't think it was a big deal that you might have met up for lunch and didn't. Presumably if the plan had gone ahead you would have mentioned it to DH.
Now that it's all blown up though, he is exhibiting some very controlling behaviour. If he's had a shock then I can sort of understand him wanting you to cut contact. However, changing your password to lock you out? Pretending to be you? Is this a one-off or does he do other things like this? That would have me looking very hard at the balance in the relationship.

Joiningthegang Mon 20-May-13 20:50:08

Sounds like a horrible situation for you.

His behaviour sounds frightening and from your op he sounds controlling.

Also sounds like this is about mOre than your ex (which is over 16 years ago). I have an ex from that long ago on Facebook and we message occasionally - if he was in the area I woul love to meet him for a coffee and would be mortified if my dh said I couldnt (not that I would ask)

If your dh is frightening you and is controlling this is totally unnacceptable.

Pls bear in mind this is aibu and others may have a very different point of view

Littleturkish Mon 20-May-13 20:50:47

I disagree with the above, I don't think what you describe is an emotional affair.

The stealing of password etc suggests to me this relationship has run its course and trust is so far gone you need to split.

difficultultimatum Mon 20-May-13 20:50:47

I guess not

Obviously my relationship with my DH is more important than my friendship with my ex, but l am sad that one seems to exclude the other and feel DH is being U to ask that of me.

I would be happy (well tolerate) him reading all of our correspondence going forward and have said I will never meet up with my ex and be open about what we talk about etc.

I will end the friendship if I have to but doing so will hurt and it seems U for DH to ask. He thinks that the fact it will hurt me means the friendship is inappropriate

Squitten Mon 20-May-13 20:51:18

He smashed up the house?! Is that his normal response to being angry?

On the one hand, looking at it purely from his point of view, it would certainly have raised questions in my head. It sounds like he thought you were just casual friends on FB whereas you make it sound like you are very close friends. If your DH did not know that (and why didn't he know that?), then suddenly discovering arrangements to meet up, etc, would have spooked me. It doesn't sound like you have been entirely honest with him.

That said, his reaction is extreme. He doesn't have the right to suddenly take control of all your stuff. How long does he expect that to continue - indefinitely? First of all, I would demand access back to all my stuff and then talk it all through. If he refuses that, it would worry me greatly.

difficultultimatum Mon 20-May-13 20:52:17

He did know we were in contact, he did not know how often or that we had had one emotional exchange of emails several months ago re our break up and the abortion

I will end the friendship if I have to as I say but worry I will resent him and the control he is trying to exert

MortifiedAdams Mon 20-May-13 20:52:57

Do you amd DH have other trust issues - have you ever cheated? Smashing up the house it totally unreasonable whatever the answer to my question is but if he has reasons not to trust you that are based on past history then I can understand him not being happy with you maintaining a close (and sometimes intimate) friendship with an ex.

difficultultimatum Mon 20-May-13 20:55:59

Also, I didn't tell him we were planning to meet up as I knew he would have gone batshit and said I couldn't do it. I would have told him afterwards if we had met.

I appreciate that isn't fully honest but DH is not the sort of person to be reasonable about these things IMO

I did have a thing about 7 years ago where I had a flirtation with someone at work that ended in a snog and a grope. I told DH and we worked through that. Obviously that was horrendous and I regret it deeply and it affects DHs trust in me but he never had any before that incident and nothing like that has ever happened since

DH on the other hand has webcam sex with women on the internet but feels that is different and is not infidelity. I have on numerous occasions told him how hurtful I find that but he has never stopped (just used private browsing) and to be honest I have given up and just try not to care. But when he throws stuff like this at me, I feel like it is so hypocritical

It sounds like six of one and half a dozen of the other to me in terms of who is being unreasonable. You can obviously explain it on here in a very reasonable way but I imagine your DH could give and equally plausible of account of his actions that would maybe lead to you being termed unreasonable by the majority.

I don't know your other issues, but arguments within relationships don't exist in a vacuum, are the other issues you're having as a couple amplifying or exacerbating the situation? Maybe you aren't feeling as loving or forgiving towards each other.

I'm a big list maker so I would probably try and do something like categorise all my feelings and see what makes the most sense but I understand its not that simple for everyone.

Hassled Mon 20-May-13 20:56:21

If it were me, reading through my DH's FB and coming across all that, I would certainly be a bit wobbly. Him feeling insecure and slightly betrayed is not unreasonable.

His behaviour subsequently is completely unreasonable. Ultimately, he has to trust you. And the thing about changing your FB password so he has control is just creepy and horrid.

You've put this incident in isolation but allude to previous stuff going on - so his over-reaction is presumably on the back of general unhappiness. Would Relate counselling help?

Hassled Mon 20-May-13 20:57:25

Just seen your last post re the webcam sex - he doesn't have a leg to stand on. Any vestiges of sympathy I may have had for him have gone.

You start out saying it was banal chit chat, but then it's an emotional outpouring, and then a flirty message, followed then by plans to meet up with your ex... Only planning to tell your DH after the event.

YABU and if you were a bloke posting this you'd be ripped to shreds.

HollyBerryBush Mon 20-May-13 20:59:09

Neither of us have exclusive passwords, neither of us lock our phones - to be fair the house PC is a desk top in the front room, I'm always interrupting DHs sports viewing with banal social media stuff.

I have always found the whole PW thing a bit peculiar.

But I'm going out on a limb here - what is the history? has he always been jealous?

difficultultimatum Mon 20-May-13 20:59:31

We are going to Relate and we do have some other issues going on.

I don't want the webcam thing to cloud the issue and actually I don't think I should have mentioned it.

I just don't want to lose the friendship with my ex even though I can accept why my DH is hurt. I just can't explain that to him in anyway that doesn't make him think there is more than a platonic, if deep friendship between us

CloudsAndTrees Mon 20-May-13 20:59:53

You sound to me like you have a lot of emotional investment in this friendship with a person you haven't even seen for years.

I don't think I'd be comfortable with my DH having that sort of a relationship. Online friendships shouldn't be given the importance you seem to have given this one, especially when it's obvious that you feel some kind of bond with him over the child you conceived.

There is nothing wrong with friendships with people of the opposite sex, DH and I both have them. But ask yourself if you'd be 100% happy with meeting up with this guy when you had your DH with you, or is there a part of you that would rather meet him alone if you had the chance?

Ah x posted.

Having seen your next post I'd say your relationship is up shit creek, and neither of you should trust the other as far as you could spit.

difficultultimatum Mon 20-May-13 21:00:54

He has always been jealous.

I never lock my phone, my emails are open for anyone to see and I leave fb up and running all the time and leave him in the room with it.

I did archive the emails from my ex though. Partly because they were personal and partly because I knew they would cause this reaction

pointythings Mon 20-May-13 21:03:25

I think the fact that he has locked you out of your own FB account and is online pretending to be you says it all, really. Complete and extreme overreaction.

In an ideal world you would have been open with your DH about staying in friendly contact with your ex, but given what you have written I understand why you might have felt you couldn't do that.

Your relationship is in big trouble, and IMO the problem is at least 80% to do with his controlling and jealous behaviour. You may want to start looking at safe ways out.

MortifiedAdams Mon 20-May-13 21:04:16

Why are you with him?

MalcolmTuckersMum Mon 20-May-13 21:04:58

So when's he going to give your FB back to you? It all sounds rather odd to me. I always think if someone is going to cheat or leave you they're going to do it whether you're hysterically jealous and possessive or not and that being so I don't do either of those emotions at all. Not that I need to, I don't at all and I couldn't live like that. How do you live like that with all that shit going on beneath the surface? Why would you even want to live like that?

<<< baffled >>>

ClaireDeTamble Mon 20-May-13 21:05:07

So he has webcam sex with other women, reacted violently to a perceived betrayal and has locked you out of your own fb account.

Without that context, I would say ywbu to arrange to meet with your ex - although I see no problem with the scrabble and emotional email.

With the context, I would say keep the friendship and ditch the husband.

pointythings Mon 20-May-13 21:07:39

Am I the only one who has their own FB account, own email password and so on? DH does too. Just because we are married doesn't mean we have to share absolutely everything! It's because we trust each other that we feel safe keeping some things private - DH, for instance, has no interest whatsoever in what I put on MN (unless it's one of those laugh out loud threads in which case I'll show it to him). I have no interest at all in his gun enthusiasm (DH is American). To each their own, doesn't mean we don't love each other.

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