To expect my 18yo to learn to drive?

(61 Posts)
redwiner Mon 20-May-13 17:56:57

We have lived in the house where we are now for about 10 yrs, its handy for me for work, handy for bus for dd to get to work but a fair way for dh to get to work therefore we are looking at moving about 5 miles up the road to save him tens mins or so on his journey and have seen a lovely, much bigger house that it our absolute dream.
Unfortunately its more in the countryside than where we are now and there won't be any buses for dd to get to work. Last year on her 17th birthday we bought her a car and insured it, got her some driving lessons but she really isn't bothered about driving. The problem is that unless she does drive we cannot move to the new house we have seen and absolutely love.
I want to know if you think that we should put our dream of moving on hold (the new house has got room for chickens, loads of parking and over half and acre of land) until she either decides to drive or move out, or if I can give her an ultimatum of say, learn to drive by the end of the year or she will have to ask for lifts/get taxis etc or even think of getting a flat share?
I don't want her to move out but I do want to move house, however I am now caught in the middle between dd and dh! Advice please!!

CoffeeShoppe Mon 20-May-13 17:58:35

No, you don't put your dream on hold. You move to the house you want and if DD wants to go places, she will get off her backside and learn to drive! Most kids would jump at the chance of learning and to have a car already she is just being selfish.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Mon 20-May-13 18:04:05

No you should not put your dream on hold. She has options, she can learn to drove, should could get a taxi, she could cycle or walk, she could move out.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Mon 20-May-13 18:06:32

Why are you letting your DD dictate where you live?! She is old enough to move out and function independently! If she chooses not to learn to drive - and not all teenagers are given cars that are fully insured - then more fool her!

WilsonFrickett Mon 20-May-13 18:09:24

Don't be so bloody daft. Your DD is an adult - if she chooses to move into the new house with you (which she may not, she's 18 after all) then it's up to her to find a way to get to her work. I can't believe you're even asking that tbh. But then, I left home at 17 and got on with stuff.

WorrySighWorrySigh Mon 20-May-13 18:09:45

I have similarly aged DD however for her the car has been an absolute godsend (crap public transport).

Perhaps your DD needs to experience the full 'joy' of inconvenient public transport to give her the spur to learn. Mind you dont turn into a taxi service in the mean time though!

CloudsAndTrees Mon 20-May-13 18:09:58

Move house, and let your dd decide how she handles her problem. You are trying to work out her issues for her, and it won't work. She needs to do it for herself.

LynetteScavo Mon 20-May-13 18:09:59

Eh?

Who is in control of your life here? You move, she then has to learn to drive, like it or not.

Has she always had a hold over you like this?

redwiner Mon 20-May-13 18:13:04

I accept everything you are all saying, it's true I do think she is being selfish but how do I say to her drive or move out? I don't want to alienate her so she goes stomping out and won't speak to us, it's knowing what to say, how long to say she has etc?

WilsonFrickett Mon 20-May-13 18:14:43

You say
'Oh look DD, here are the particulars for the house we're buying. We will move in June. I'm presuming you want to stay with us, in which case we thought this could be your bedroom, but equally if you don't want to move with us and maybe get a flat or something, that would be fine too.'

And then you shut the eff up and let her work it out for herself.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Mon 20-May-13 18:15:01

Well if she's 18, you do not need to take her wishes into account when deciding whether to move.

Just move. She can choose to live somewhere inconvenient to her and learn to drive, or move out, or live somewhere inconvenient and not drive and stay at home a lot.

So she has loads of choices, just like in real life.

Enjoy your new home!

VeganCow Mon 20-May-13 18:16:19

redwiner do you mind if I ask how much you had to pay for insurance? We are in the opposite position to you in that dd wants to drive but the premium is 3 thousand a year plus shock

trixymalixy Mon 20-May-13 18:16:46

I don't understand why you need to wait until she can drive before you move?

If you allow her to drag her heels then you'll never move, but as soon as things become inconvenient for her I'm sure it'll be a different story and she'll soon learn.

cory Mon 20-May-13 18:16:58

She is an adult. The choice of whether to learn to drive or not is hers. As is the responsibility of organising her life so she can get to work. wink

What Wilson said sounds perfect.

WilsonFrickett Mon 20-May-13 18:17:18

DD: 'but how will I get to work mum?'
You: 'I don't know darling, but I'm sure you can work it out.'

End of conversation.

morethanpotatoprints Mon 20-May-13 18:18:24

She is very fortunate that you bought car, driving lessons and insurance. Mine had/ have to do this themselves.
However, ds2 17 has no plans at all to own a car, but is learning in case he wants a job where driving is involved.
It is ok to do these things for your dc if its what they want. My ds1 learned to drive at 17 and most of his wages go to fund his car.
Yes she is 18, but dc are leaving home much later these days, most not until about 25.
You shouldn't put your plans and dreams on hold, but imo you should let your dd sort it out herself, she is a grown up and ultimatums like you give dc are a bit pointless with grown ups.

redwiner Mon 20-May-13 18:19:54

It's not that she has a 'hold' over me as such but her real dad was killed a number of years ago in an RTA and ever since then I have tried to over compensate, but having remarried (she gets on really well with her stepdad) I feel that we want 'our' house now and not the one that I was in for years before my new dh came along. Does this make me selfish for putting myself and new dh before her feelings? Even though she is 18 I still think of her as my little girl which is why I make excuses for her.

KatyTheCleaningLady Mon 20-May-13 18:20:05

Encouraging her to learn to drive is a very good thing.

CloudsAndTrees Mon 20-May-13 18:21:33

but how do I say to her drive or move out?

You don't. You just tell her you are moving. She can think about the rest for herself. Really, she is capable. I'm another that moved out of home at 17.

KatyTheCleaningLady Mon 20-May-13 18:21:50

You're not doing her any favours coddling her this way.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Mon 20-May-13 18:22:03

its a good skill for her future could help with work etc so encourage her to learn. waste of money having a car if she isn't using it tbh

redwiner Mon 20-May-13 18:23:35

Vegancow, the company I went with was really good - specialised in young drivers. On her prov lic it was £800 for the year in a fiat punto. I will look up the name of them and let you know.

Presuming you have actually shown her the house and all been round it, so she can see how good it is, and what's in it for her, bedroom-wise etc. I would say to her:

"This is the house we're moving to. It's going to be a great house, great move for us all etc. but obviously you're going to have to think about how you are going to get to work from there, so you'll need to start researching some options now. We're still happy for you to have the car and it is insured for you, so perhaps you should restart your driving lessons. Unless you can think of another solution for how you're going to get to work after the move."

So she makes a choice.

Rather than telling her she has to learn to drive.

LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning Mon 20-May-13 18:24:36

I don't particularly enjoy driving but I like being able to get to places I want to go. She's of an age where she needs to understand compromise

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks Mon 20-May-13 18:24:57

Go for the house.
You don't need to set deadlines for her to learn to drive. Simply inform her where you are moving to, and that as she is an adult it is up to her to decide how she will get to work.
Let her come to her own decisions about driving, if she feels forced in to it she may rebel and become more reluctant to learn. (My dad forced me in to learning, and although I did learn, I took my sweet time at his expense).

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