Re. Birthday gifts between couples(50 Posts)
Ive just got off the phone to my friend, it's her birthday and instead of the cheery phonecall I thought it would be she was quite upset! It turns out her OH has bought her a book on weaning (their LO is 4 months old) for her birthday and some flowers. She said she feels like he doesn't see her as his OH any more and sees her as 'mother' which makes her sad. She isn't speaking to him now and she's saying it's signalling the end of their relationship. I told her it was just a gift and it didn't signal the end of anything.
AIBU to think it doesn't mean their relationship is over? Is it an inappropriate gift? Or is she BU?
A book about weaning is what I'd order from Amazon or throw in the trolley at the supermarket. It wouldn't feel like a birthday gift to me.
She's probably feeling a bit sensitive and low to react like that. My sil gave me a book on weaning for Christmas when Dd was 3 months old. I felt similarly disheartened and wouldn't give a book like that to a new mum for a gift. However, my sil is lovely and it was a very kind gesture. I was in the throws of pnd at the time.
I still have the Dyson some 12 years later . But it should have been a hey look what I bought not a happy birthday. Infact, i think it might have been my 2nd mothers day gift which means I should have l t b
Oh god, my birthday is tomorrow and DP fucked up last year so I am almost dreading tomorrow! To be fair to him, he didn't realise that buying me something that we'd intended to get as a treat together would have bugged me as much as it did because it was what my ex did!
I didn't have being a new Mum as an excuse for my silent treatment either
There must be more to this than meet te eye I think. I can't believe that anyone would overreact to a lousy birthday gift. One birthday my dh did not get me anything, a month later I recieved. Box of chocolates as my 'birthday gift'. He never made that mistake again
Perhaps she had mentioned she was looking for a book on weaning and he thought it would be a good idea to get something she wanted?
Personally I don't get all the outcry over presents that aren't presents. But then I asked my husband for a new rolling pin for my birthday.
The OP said that the book made her friend feel as though her DH no longer sees her as herself/his DW, just as 'mother'. As a new mum myself (2 months), this is a familiar feeling to me - it is sometimes hard not to feel as though I am a cow (both in terms of function and size). My DH is lovely and treats me really well but I do sometimes wonder if he now feels this way about me too and wonders where his engaging and slim(ish) DW went. I am sure he doesn't, but sleep deprivation and raging hormones are not kind to those with overactive imaginations. I have found myself bursting into tears for the most ridiculous reasons over the last few weeks and am sure I would react the same as the OP's friend over my birthday. I am also sure this is just normal emotional upheaval at my new role exacerbated by extreme tiredness. OP's friend is likely still going through the same thing.
oh the bright side, he's not going to make a similar mistake at Christmas - DH has point blankly refused to ever buy me anything practical for birthdays and christmas after seeing a few friends deal with the aftermath of making a similar mistake...
Birthdays are for opportunities to buy things the recipient wants, not things the recipient needs.
MrD bought me a wok last year. I nearly hit him with it. It's a very good, extremely expensive wok, but it was essentially something he wanted.
It could be worse:
My df went on one Christmas about the brilliant present he'd got dm.
Turned out to be a book on housekeeping, dating from about 1950s...
Df nearly got brained with said book, and was very surprised. He genuinely thought it a really good present.
Though he recently found it (used to keep a table leg up) and has read it for himself, and is making use of the labour saving ways of cleaning the house in his retirement, so I guess dm is benefitting from it now. He's a bit strange at time df.
If you want your husband to get you something specific then tell him or hint heavily about what you want.
What sort of exciting present does she get him?
Our presents are usually fairly practical.
I think it's got to be a combination of hormones and maybe there being more to it than just the present. I was a hormonal mess after the first DC was born and my birthday was a few weeks later, I went the opposite way and was irritated that people thought I would want stuff for me when all I was interested in was the baby, I didn't want babysitting vouchers, pampering stuff, novels, DVDs, I was just obsessed with DS. Just as well DH didn't think of an eternity ring, I really did think all money should be spent on baby things only at that stage and would probably have been very upset indeed at all that money being spent on me. With hindsight I see the error of my ways.
As a rule we don't do presents-for bday or Christmas.
There's rarely anything that either of us want-so I think that this is the sort of thing my husband would probably get if he knew it was something I was interested in.
But does he know how she feels?
It probably wasn't to be hurtful on his part & he really couldn't think of/afford anything else.
Men are generally useless at gifts. My dad has bought my mum a paste table, a Dyson and many more "gifts"... but then he's also brought home gorgeous pairs of heels for the sake of it because he noticed she'd been eyeing them up. My ex once bought me Zumba DVDs for my birthday when I had been moaning I wanted to lose weight; he thought it was genuinely an amazing gift. The majority of men just don't think like we do - Shopping is far more of a "get in, get out" practical thing.
The idea that this signals a breakup for your friend means there is definitely something wrong. It seems that your friend feels undervalued as a person so really she should be communicating this instead of ignoring him. I don't think ignoring a man ever communicates anything other than your unhappy because they're still clueless to why.
Hopefully you can talk this out with her
I remember when DS was around four months old, I was ranting away about DH to my mum, who just sat there silently with a face, much to my annoyance. I can't for the life of me remember what DH's terrible faux pas was now but it seemed like the end of the world to me at the time.
Best just to nod and smile sympathetically and not let her get too carried away. Hopefully she'll feel more like her old self soon.
She is being totally unreasonable, but I suspect this may be driven by hormones and lack of sleep - never a good combination. I suspect most of us have said some pretty ridiculous things and totally over reacted to things at that stage in a baby's life
Presents between couples are very individual to the couple, indeed, all present are. I personally love practical presents, and my 'wish lists' always contain something for the kitchen or home or whatever that I think will make my life easier - I'd FAR rather that than some useless smellies or candles or books or jewellery or plants or gadgets or whatever other people might want. Personally I love cut flowers though, and I know some others who don't really like them. So it's no good saying what is or isn't a 'good' present.
Presumably, if your friend has a baby with her partner, she knows him pretty well ? So if he doesn't have a good reputation for choosing amazingly 'just right' presents, then why doesn't she drop hints / set up a wish list which he can choose from ? .
If he is interested in the baby he could've bought the book for himself.
A book and some flowers is fine if that's the type of thing you get each other. But a book about weaning? I'm not surprised she's pissed off. It's not even really for her.
A trashy thriller and the promise of a few hours off to read it- now that's a present.
I would be furious with those presents. I think there must be more going on though as its not something you would consider ending a relationship over, but it is a shity gift.
I gave DH a kettle for his birthday this year.
We don't get the big deal about adult birthdays either, so tend to give each other things that we need if we give each other anything at all!
However, I don't think this is just about the book. Perhaps the real issue is that she does feel just like a mother, rather than having any other aspect to her life/character at the moment. It isn't helped by her sulking like a moody teenager though.
This is totally what my DH is like- infact for Mother's Day I DID get an Annabel Karmel weaning recipe book!!
The Mother's Day before that I was heavily pregnant with DC2, he bought me the 6 pack of tommee tippee bottles for our new baby.
I don't get angry- I think it's quite sweet! It's things I would have had to buy anyway, so the money I would have spent on them, I can spend on other things!
This is precisely why I have a list.
If you want to avoid this face -> then simply follow the list.
I'd be really pleased with that offering, and would see it as some beautiful flowers for me ,and an interesting (well reasonably !) helpful book about something important to me (weaning first baby) that affirmed me a bit as a mother too.
But then my DP once gave me a small paper bag for my birthday, with nothing in.
I think he was joking
I have received a paper shredder for valentines day and my friend received a crystal dragon for an anniversary present, do you think we are on borrowed time?
Why do people get so worked up over presents??
So it might not be quite what you wanted - so what?? Anyone who bases their entire relationship on the gift they receive needs a slap round the face with a wet fish.
She does sound hormonal and sleep deprived. Tea and sympathy is in order OP - although I do wonder if she's BF and the DH is hinting towards it being time to stop? I have a bent for the overdramatic too though!
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