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ro be upset with dh for lack of thought

(84 Posts)
Spinme307 Sun 19-May-13 09:59:32

I'm pretty sure i'm not but usually things have a way of being my fault most of the time....

Yesterday I was very very hurt and upset by something that happened with my parents and my brother but that's a whole other thread.

At around half 8 last night I just needed some space and time to myself so went out for a drive and tbh a good sob to myself. Dh knew why I had gone for a drive and why I was so upset.

After I had got it of my system I drove home expecting dh to give me a big hug and tell me I'm loved and its their problem not mine. But no....he'd gone to bed and was fast asleep.....the only one there for me was my cat.

I felt so hurt that my dh wasn't waiting to comfort me and that his bed was more important. it wasn't late it was half ten

CinnabarRed Tue 21-May-13 12:21:06

I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

I don't think you're a drama-llama.

However, in your DH's place, I too would have gone to bed.

It's just miscommunication between you, and "horses for courses". Not thoughtlessness as far as I can see.

DaveDeeDozyBeakyMickAndTitch Tue 21-May-13 12:04:44

How long were you gone, OP? I'm sorry you didn't get what you wanted, but how on earth was he supposed to give you something he had no earthly way of knowing you needed?

KhaosandKalamity Tue 21-May-13 11:16:49

brew and a biscuit for you. It is not all your fault, don't forget that. And we all know how easy it is to come across as melodramatic when we are upset, especially when one big issue is making all of the smaller issues seem so much larger and more daunting. Don't let the blunter posters get you down even further. Just take it one thing at a time, make sure you get an extra big cuddle in the morning and move on.

As for the 'drama queen camp' posters, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Although I am sure you have a deep understanding of OPs mental state and personality based on the few sentences of text provided, if it is not helpful keep it to yourself.

OK, my advice.

Post about your parents in Relationships. Actually say what is wrong and ask for advice.

Tell your DH what you need. Ask for a hug when you need it and space when you need it.

The less sympathetic posts may be a result of two things. People hate people who expect their partners to be psychic. We've all been on the wrong end of that... People also hate threads that are drip-feeding and self indulgent. It makes them think you are in RL.

ilovesooty Sun 19-May-13 14:32:13

* i'd ask to get this to be moved to relationships, you'll get a more measured response there*

i.e. everyone will tell her she's being abused and she ought to LTB.

OP, I'm sorry to hear you've been upset by your family, but it sounds as though it isn't a one off and you could benefit from exploring some strategies to deal with it. Perhaps your husband also feels it's complex and is rather apprehensive about getting involved?

I also agree with the "don't make silent demands" advice. Your husband gave you the space you asked for and I don't think he could reasonably be expected to know automatically that your needs would be different when you returned - and he has apologised.

im in the drama llama camp.

he's not a mind reader, he's apologised and you're still being on a downer with him.

Get over yourself and deal with your family like an adult.

GingerBlondecat Sun 19-May-13 13:47:43

(((((((((((((((Spin))))))))))))))) <3

Euphemia Sun 19-May-13 13:19:40

You can't get upset because you had expectations of someone which you didn't communicate to them! How unfair on your DH! The message he got was "I need some space," so he gave you some.

Stating what you would have done had he been the one who was upset is pointless: that's what you would want to do, not necessarily what your DH would want or need.

Talk to him! Let him know what you need! If you don't communicate, he's rarely going to get it right, you'll get pissed off at him, and he'll be treading on eggshells around you. Is that what you want?

YABU

PoppyAmex Sun 19-May-13 13:03:46

"What's dramallama (what are you? 12?) about going out for some space?"

Nothing, but that's the point exactly, she needed some space and her DH gave her some.

"Don't make silent demands"
Eleanor, that's excellent advice.

chinam Sun 19-May-13 12:54:28

Op. shame on you for being the first person in the whole world to behave slightly irrationally when upset. Aren't you lucky you had so many lovely posters to show you the error of your ways...

Spinme307 Sun 19-May-13 12:49:42

Just generally things end up being my fault, problems with my brother, misunderstandings with dh, difficulties with dd's......etc.

Dh is well aware of what happened with parents and brother but he wont ever get involved in it he's not that kind of person and right now I don't feel like I can face parents or brother without wanting to scream at them....
I'm only ever wanted when they need something the rest of the time only my siblings will do....

"usually things have a way of being my fault most of the time"
OP, what do you mean by this? What things? sad

Numberlock Sun 19-May-13 11:59:44

What's the issue with your parents and is it able to be resolved? Can your husband help you practically to work on this?

cory Sun 19-May-13 11:52:20

"Don't take it too hard OP. He didn't know that was what your expectations of him were."

I think this sums it up. Just a case of misunderstanding, it's nobody's fault really, these things happen. I find it helps to be very specific about my needs to dh. It's not because he doesn't give emotional support without being asked: it's because sometimes, just like the OP, I am quite specific about the support I need (first I need to be left alone, then I need a hug).

I think my tendency to verbalise stems from years of watching my father floundering, trying to offer support, then finding it was the wrong type, and finally getting too afraid to do anything for fear of getting it wrong again.

The truth is that dh and I are very different people- and even I am not totally consistent from one occasion to another- so there is plenty of scope for getting things wrong. And I would find it equally frustrating if dh blamed me afterwards for not instinctively understanding how he wanted to be supported, when his reactions are so totally different from what seems the natural reaction to me.

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 19-May-13 11:47:45

OP

are you passing some of hurt and upset caused by your parents and brother on to your DP?

As for for those saying he should know what the OP wants, I have always found that verbal communication is the key to preventing missunderstanding.

Bunbaker Sun 19-May-13 11:44:45

I still maintain that when you make it perfectly clear you want to be alone you cannot expect someone who feels pushed out to be there for you.

I think the OP's husband probably felt that he wasn't wanted or needed at that point, plus he was very tired so went to bed.

How long were you out Spinme307?

McNewPants2013 Sun 19-May-13 11:35:25

When I am upset with Dh I do tell him, but the op isn't upset over something her dh did she is upset over another her parents.

Do you all really have to instruct your partners over emotional support, because I believe emotional support should be given because you love and care for that person.

Spinme307 Sun 19-May-13 11:31:40

have spoken to dh and told him I would have appreciated him waiting up for me and he said sorry for not doing so but he was tired despite not getting up til 11am yesterday morning. But its his weekend lie in after being at work all week.

Maybe I'm a bitch, maybe not I don't know anymore but just feel very alone right now.....

LEMisdisappointed Sun 19-May-13 11:20:39

oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh have you always been so thoughtless apocalypse?

How are those comments helpful?

ParadiseChick Sun 19-May-13 11:16:10

What's dramallama (what are you? 12?) about going out for some space?

badguider Sun 19-May-13 11:02:27

I can see why you were disappointed he wasn't still up when you got home and felt you needed a cuddle, but honestly I don't think he could have known when you'd be back or what you would want when you came back as you didn't even know.

You can't control yesterday, but today you can open up and communicate with your DH.. you can say that you love him and you wished he'd still been up when you got home for a cuddle (but don't 'blame' him or accuse him).

So many people on MN just don't seem to communicate with their dh/dp when they are upset with them...

Oooooooooohhhhhhh, have you always been such a drama lama ??

HeffalumpTheFlump Sun 19-May-13 10:59:59

I know everyones relationship is different, but I personally think that in this situation a husband should know that their wife is going to need some support once they had that time to cry/process it all. I really like the silent demands advice, but in my relationship this would be something that didn't need to be said. It's an unspoken agreement that I will be there for DH to support him and he will be there for me whenever we are struggling emotionally. It would seem that the OP made the assumption that they had the same agreement and so is devastated that this doesn't seem to be the case. So sorry OP, it must be horrible to feel let down by your parents, brother and now your DH.

I do agree it's probably not the wisest idea to drive when you are so emotional, but we've all had times where we just need to get away.

I think it'd probably be a good idea if OP actually asked why he went to bed and let him know she was upset. Again, he may have been a little thoughtless, but you should have made it clear to him what you wanted. Some people are bad at dealing with emotional situations like this.

I think you should explain to him that in the future you'd like it if he waited up for you, that way he knows the appropriate response you expect from him.

NoelHeadbands Sun 19-May-13 10:44:41

Mine would too, but that isn't the same as absolutely 'knowing' what I need emotionally

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