To think dh is being harsh?

(68 Posts)
Daisydoomoo Sun 19-May-13 08:58:23

It was my dh's birthday on Friday, and we had a Thai takeaway that eve and I'd even bought some Thai beers to go with the meal. He had lots of cards, gifts and money so not a bad day really. He went to work as usual and met with a friend for a drink at lunch.

Anyway, he keeps talking of having a birthday weekend, where we do something in addition to the actual day. Problem is the weather is poop and weekends are spent playing catch up with jobs to do in the house.

He was most put out yesterday when I was late getting back from taking the boys swimming, as we were going to meet up with some friends for dinner at a local pub. But these plans were a late after thought that he'd made after I told him I wanted to take the boys to a new swimming pool. Which he had declined to come with us, as he wanted to mow the lawns and get the gardens straight.

Sorry, this is longer than I planned but wanted to set the picture. Now to the harsh bit, I've just completed training as a Breastfeeding peer supporter, and I volunteer at a couple of childrens centres each week supporting new mums etc. I'm also a sahm so this is important to me as I enjoy this role outside of our family life etc. Plus the training and volunteering looks good on my barren cv.

Well I received a SOS call from my sister in law's brother (my brother's wife's brother) who was a little beside himself with his hormonal, knackered girlfriend (who gave birth 6 days ago) she has had a bit of a wobble and finding bf painful etc etc.

They were worried that baby had lost weight and might have to go back into hospital if she lost anymore.

Anyway again, my dh was most put out, that I should be more concerned with my own family and he sort of relished in their new parent misery (probably after years of family gatherings hearing their fantastic holidays and the like.)

So we ended up having words, with him feeling hard done by as his birthday appears to have been a let down and he didn't like me spending my time trying to help extended family with their new baby problems.

He is selfish, right?

SavoyCabbage Sun 19-May-13 09:30:17

I'm also with Holly. He just wanted to do something nice, and it was scuppered, so he feels hard done by.

Daisydoomoo Sun 19-May-13 09:41:43

I'm not sure what I could have done differently? His work is taking over at the moment as he is on a contract. Plus he didn't want to go out as we had a long weekend in canterbury just over a week ago, and he really wanted a Thai curry at home.

When we were away he said that was to celebrate his birthday, so I didn't think he was expecting much. Like I said, I got him some pretty good gifts which he wasn't expecting, and had put a lot of thought into it.

Also, last weekend he was on a stag do, so he had said he didn't fancy going out.

HanShotFirst Sun 19-May-13 09:44:02

I can see both sides too. If a meal had been arranged out last night, and you knew about it before you went swimming, you definitely should have made more of an effort to get home in time to be ready to go out.

I take it you received the call from your sister in law's brother yesterday and have dealt with that? I think your DH was probably still smarting from the fact that you didn't seem to give a crap about getting back with plenty of time for the meal, so lashed out when this help was asked for from extended family. I think HWBU in his attitude towards upset new parents requesting help in feeding their newborn baby.

Maybe just draw a line under it all and go out for lunch today, and relax this afternoon together as a family? Then have a chat about it in a few days time, when neither of you are so annoyed. That way you can get across the fact that you will have people requesting your help for something that is important to you, and he can air his grievances around his disappointment. Hope it all works out!

AmberLeaf Sun 19-May-13 09:46:54

I suppose you could have not bailed on the [late] dinner in the pub plans? I'm assuming you didn't go? did DH go on his own?

I can see why the BF peer thing is important to you and you wanted to help, but I can also see why your DH felt dumped.

badguider Sun 19-May-13 09:48:35

I don't understand what happened in the end - did you go to the meal with friends? If he missed out to stay home alone while you went out to do your bf support then I can understand why he'd be a bit blue. And we're your friends not pissed off being stood up?
I'm not sure there's much excuse in being late back from swimming for your friends....
He is not unreasonable to be disappointed. But he is unreasonable to blame the bf support work as that was clearly a last minute sos and good for you for helping.

Very selfish indeed. Tell him to grow up

Daisydoomoo Sun 19-May-13 09:55:26

Just to clarify, he mentioned nothing yesterday morning about meeting friends. Just that he wanted to get the garden done. I said I'd take the boys swimming, did he want to come? No. Just before I left he tells me a few friends are meeting at a pub with their families at 4.30. This was at 2.

Samu2 Sun 19-May-13 09:56:20

I can see why your husband felt the way he did too.

Ilovemyself Sun 19-May-13 09:56:32

I think you have answered the question- his work is taking over as he is on contract at the moment.

He is really working hard and must be missing out on the home life, so a birthday weekend with his family would have been fantastic.

And I stand by my comment on helping out. If it was your sister I could possibly understand but you have to draw the line somewhere

scaevola Sun 19-May-13 09:56:53

Yes, he's being selfish, but if this is a one-off then I'd cut him some slack because it's his birthday and he'll be disappointed because his plans have been over-ridden. It is one day a year when it's normal to want to matter the most.

And for the longer term, you need to sort out the implications of what you taking on an "on call" role will mean for family life.

Ilovemyself Sun 19-May-13 09:59:37

Sorry, forgot to add, sounds like he has started to make rush last minute plans as you did not.

As he is working hard, he would have not have had time to organise before so I think you are struggling here to justify why you shouldn't feel,bad when you know he is right.

Daisydoomoo Sun 19-May-13 09:59:41

It was just a phonecall, I didn't go out. Our friends were meeting anyway and asked us if we wanted to join them.

Hmm. It sounds as if he was hoping for a surprise treat. I don't think it's very important to get into the rights and wrongs of it - obviously you did a nice thing by going to support your SIL's brother's wife (whew that's a mouthful). And obviously it'd be lovely if he'd had a great weekend. He sounds a bit whiny from your summary but then he would, because it's your perspective.

More important is to find out why he's bothered. Is he usually fussed about stuff like birthdays, or is he maybe feeling a bit shit for some reason? I can get stroppy when I feel down, so can my DH, I think most people do. If it were me, and it were out of character for him to be fussed about something like this, I'd take it as a sign you both need to chat about what might be bothering him.

OTOH if he expects the world to revolve around him and would always assume you're in the wrong for not making a huge fuss of his birthday/changing plans to support someone who isn't him, then he is being a bit of a pain. Difficult to know which without knowing you, really.

(That sounds as if I'm being unsympathetic towards him, and I'm not, btw. I just think it depends how he usually is with this sort of issue.)

malteserzz Sun 19-May-13 10:06:27

I would have done something that he liked as a family on his birthday weekend rather than just take the dc swimming which you can do anytime

namechangeofshame Sun 19-May-13 10:06:30

Agree with ILove he's possibly feeling like he's missing time with the family at the moment due to his work taking over, his birthday was an excuse to get some quality time in together and you then spent that time on jobs/swimming/bf support. All things that could technically be done while he is at work.

Not saying he's right and you are wrong just thats his point of view.

PuppyMonkey Sun 19-May-13 10:06:49

He just wanted to spend time with you - making the fatal error of not being organised and planning it all out in advance. Leave the bastard etc grinconfused

CarpeVinum Sun 19-May-13 10:10:34

I just think it depends how he usually is with this sort of issue

I think LRD has hit on an interesting detail there. Obviously this upset is notable enough to post, and there was no "yet again" or "I'm fed up with this sort of thing happening so often"

Is it a notable "blip" due to its isolation, or just one representation of an ongoing issue where you two keep clashing over expectations, availability and plans ?

changeforthebetter Sun 19-May-13 10:11:37

Oh FGS! He is a grown man. Surely he can wait. Sorting out a car is hardly the same as supporting a new mum with bf. I used to be a bf peer supporter (volunteer, then paid). It is a lovely thing to do and completely normal. FWIW his birthday sounds lovely - I prepared, cooked and washed up my own birthday dinner - elderly parent and small kids not really up to that.hmm

"he sort of relished in their new parent misery (probably after years of family gatherings hearing their fantastic holidays and the like.)"
That sounds rather spiteful.

CecilyP Sun 19-May-13 10:14:42

I think I will go against the grain here too. If you had made definite plans to do something on the Saturday, even if it had only been arranged that morning, then he is reasonable to have found your rushing off to provide breast-feeding support instead, disappointing. You have referred to it as an SOS, but I can't really see it in those terms and think Hollyberry's analogy with sorting out his brother's car on your birthday very apt.

Cecily, OP has explained in her most recent post "It was just a phonecall, I didn't go out." So OP's husband was getting huffy just at her spending time on the phone to someone in distress.

CecilyP Sun 19-May-13 10:24:00

Yes, I saw that after I posted. I don't think that OP is being unreasonable for providing help but I can still understand her DH being disappointed.

Ilovemyself Sun 19-May-13 10:29:10

I see the comment that call was an emergency, but if his family life if suffering because of voluntary work or helping friends something has to give. If he isn't seeing much of the family due to work pressure them he is totally justified in wanting family time especially on his birthday.

Daisydoomoo Sun 19-May-13 10:30:36

Well it's all a bit confusing. It wasn't a big birthday, we don't usually do a lot for each others birthdays. Nothing done for my birthday a couple of months back. I didn't care as no big deal.

It was a matter of him changing his mind yesterday, the dc were excited
about going swimming. He made plans too late and expected me to drop everything as it was his birthday weekend. I'd asked him in advance what he wanted to do, and he just wanted a take away.

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