Who's in the wrong here?

(93 Posts)
Shazjack1 Sat 18-May-13 16:48:58

Would love your opinion, not sure who's in the wrong.

I'm furious at the way DS was treated at school yesterday. Long story short he's 12 and has had the same bunch of pals since start of primary. One of his pals was given a silly nickname last year. Not offensive in any way but apparently the pal is sick of the nickname now and it's upset her but she never said anything to DS or friends, if she had they wouldn't have used the name anymore. So her father went into school yesterday and told staff his daughter was being bullied by her friends. They have been threatened with all sorts and screamed and shouted at before even being allowed to give their side of the story. I don't know who I'm more disappointed at, school or her parents.

Shazjack1 Sat 18-May-13 17:16:38

It was student services who screamed and shouted. That's how they seem to deal with everything!

TidyDancer Sat 18-May-13 17:17:21

Exactly Freddie. She did it, more than likely, to try to deflect the fact that she was hurt.

I'm surprised that you're not able to see this, OP.

LaRegina Sat 18-May-13 17:17:33

Agree you shouldn't have phoned the other parent - it's not for you to pipe up with your opinion when the school are already involved.

But I find it hard to believe that the children involved were 'shouted and screamed at' at school over it (assuming you mean it was a teacher or other adult at school that dealt with it?). If that's true it's completely out of order and needs to be dealt with.

I just have the feeling that Shazjack1 won't accept that her son could have been in the wrong.

TigerSwallowTail Sat 18-May-13 17:18:21

Who was screaming and shouting at your son and his friends?

LaRegina Sat 18-May-13 17:18:30

If 'student services' are really that bad then you really need to make a complaint about them, don't you think?

Fluffypinkcoat Sat 18-May-13 17:18:40

Were they definitely screamed and shouted at? We had a girl at school who was nicknamed Rimmer because of her last name and we'd all do the salute off red dwarf. She always laughed along and none of us knew she hated it until the whole class was held in at break and told it was upsetting her and we shouldn't do it anymore. So we stopped. Are you sure they haven't already been warned like this and they didnt stop?

cory Sat 18-May-13 17:19:33

School seem to have dealt with this very badly. But the parents aren't responsible for that. Usually, the advice to take school related problems to school rather than directly to the other parents is very sound.

Anyway, though it is a pity that your son was frightened and upset, this is an ideal opportunity to take to him about name calling and how easy it is that it goes wrong and causes unintended upset. It's a way of getting something useful out of it for him.

Shazjack1 Sat 18-May-13 17:20:08

If its a defence mechanism, why get in the car then? She only lives 5 mins from school so didn't even need a lift. Said she loved getting a lift as she has a good laugh with DS and another friend.

AgentZigzag Sat 18-May-13 17:21:03

You can't say it's the girls fault for not finding the words (if in fact she hadn't ever given any sign she didn't like it), I'm not saying this is on the same scale as what you're describing, but children who have been abused often find it difficult to say what's going on in their heads to people on the outside.

It's unfortunate it's gone seemingly from 0 to 100 in just one day, but you don't seem to have any concern for the girl, which is a shame.

Can you not understand that she snapped? That she wouldn't have wanted to draw attention to it and certainly wouldn't have wanted to discuss it with you?

LaRegina Sat 18-May-13 17:23:42

And as others have said, maybe the girl concerned felt that she was being ridiculed all along and therefore felt too upset/undermined to voice her feelings.

wetspringday Sat 18-May-13 17:24:52

It's difficult for children to articulate themselves in situations like this - can be difficult for adults too, actually. So I think her parents were perfectly reasonable to go to the school about it. I also don't think the school did anything THAT bad - yes, a bit draconian but by the same token, there were a crowd of them, and they were told very sternly to cut it out, which they now will.

I've also been in the position where I've had to pretend to have a great sense of humour about something - it isn't fun. I think you think she enjoyed it and when she stopped enjoying it cried 'bully' but it's likely to be more complex than that.

lljkk Sat 18-May-13 17:26:32

yanbu. Maybe the 12yo girl had a sudden change of heart (No...never?!) but parents shouldn't have escalated it & school shouldn't have escalated it still further.

wetspringday Sat 18-May-13 17:28:12

The parents shouldn't have gone into school to ask for their help in eradicating a name that is upsetting their child? I think they SHOULD. I had a name shouted after me and was told to ignore them and they'd stop. Which they did. FOUR YEARS LATER!

AgentZigzag Sat 18-May-13 17:29:01

It's understandable you're feeling defensive about your DS Shaz, and I don't think anyone's suggesting he's this monster of a bully who's hoodwinked you into seeing it his way, but only looking from this from his point of view might not help you get to the bottom of it.

cory Sat 18-May-13 17:29:05

Add message | Report | Message poster Shazjack1 Sat 18-May-13 17:20:08
"If its a defence mechanism, why get in the car then? She only lives 5 mins from school so didn't even need a lift. Said she loved getting a lift as she has a good laugh with DS and another friend."

Perhaps she is desperate to be friends with them- but still doesn't like being called names? My db was in this position: so anxious to be in with his group, but he still cringed every time they used his nickname. As his sister I could see how much he hated it and I took it for granted that they saw it too and did it on purpose. In retrospect I am wondering if perhaps they were just being dense.

Flobbadobs Sat 18-May-13 17:29:17

DS was given a nickname that on the surface was innocent and fun, underneath though he hated it but people kept calling him this particular name. He 'owned' it, he laughed joked, said "ok thats enough, I really don't like this", everything he could think of. We spoke to his teacher who spoke to the class, it still happened.
In the end he thumped the next boy who called him the name. His form teacher thankfully understood because he had also been bullied (because that is what it is, bullying) so Ds was disciplined for the hit but it was made clear that the name alling stopped. It's not a nickname, it's bullying and I can guarantee that the girl in question found it funny for about a day before it got tedious and humiliating for her.
The parent obviously felt that he needed to protect his daughter and went to the school. Maybe this will cause the namecalling to stop.

cory Sat 18-May-13 17:30:59

I would approach this exactly as if ds had been engaging in rough play and one of his mates had been hurt or frightened: Yes love, I know you didn't mean them to feel that way, but these games are a bit dangerous, it's so easy to end up with a result you didn't mean, better to think a bit more carefully next time.

Pozzled Sat 18-May-13 17:31:34

The other thing is that nicknames can be used in very different ways. Just calling someone by a different name instead of using their real name is one thing. Saying the name at every opportunity and in a teasing/insulting tone of voice is very different. But it's hard to explain the difference unless you're there to see and hear it.

Another question- you implied earlier that the nickname is a celeb's name. Would this be the name of a person they respect and admire? Or a figure of fun? Calling a young footballer Ronaldinho or similar is very different from calling a child Rolf Harris (sorry, random name choices!)

Casmama Sat 18-May-13 17:35:31

I don't believe that they were "screaming and shouting" - your son is surely exaggerating and you are acting like he is the victim of something rather than the girl. You would be best to advise our son to apologise to his friend and ask if they can out it behind them.

Casmama Sat 18-May-13 17:36:10

Your son and put- bloody ipad!v

AgentZigzag Sat 18-May-13 17:36:17

So the girl shouldn't have said anything lljkk?

She should have shut the fuck up and kept it buttoned, the parents should have brushed her off (maybe telling her to man up and not be such a baby?) and the school should have ignored a child telling them they're unhappy giving a clear sign to the other children that their behaviour's OK?

Back to the bad old 80's eh?

Have you got children yourself?

Is that the route you took when they told you something was bothering them?

NotYoMomma Sat 18-May-13 17:38:44

You seem to be making out that this girls fault?

she has gotten annoyed by a silly name (and I can bet you she will have told them) and so told her parents that they keep doing it

totally acceptable

Nanny0gg Sat 18-May-13 17:40:03

I'm with the father. I was given a name I hated and it made my schooldays a misery.

Your son has been told off once. She's had months of this.

I think he needs to get over himself and think of how his friend feels.

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