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In-law visiting

(46 Posts)
happygonicky Sat 18-May-13 09:09:43

I don't know if I'm being fair or not.

We have a small baby (12 weeks) and, inevitably, we've had a lot of visitors at weekends. Lovely, to be expected, and as long as I know when people are coming, so I can put the date in the diary to avoid clashes, great. I also try to pace myself a bit. Not too many overnight visitors in a row and I try to keep one day a weekend free for us as a family. I do my best to be a good host, but prefer notice (a few days, if possible) and like people visiting, but find I can get a bit overwhelmed with the sheer number of people (and I got burnt-out in the run-up to our wedding last year).

We've had my mum up this week to stay, in-laws earlier in the week, friend coming later today. I find out this morning that in-laws want to stop by again this weekend and I just feel it's not convenient. It is unusual they want to come up twice in one week and it will only be a fairly brief visit, but I feel frazzled and tired (baby is fab, but last few nights have been a bit more disturbed than usual) and simply don't want to entertain anyone else this week. I also have some work to do, which had factored into a quiet weekend. I keep saying to them, visit whenever, but tell me in advance. They would have known they would be in the area (and likely to want to visit) for many months.

They are nice people and I am fond of them, but I'm getting exasperated by getting a call on the morning/day before and for them to say they're coming up the following day. Especially as I keep telling them to let us know in advance. They know we're busy (we're booked up until end of June with family visits/other commitments).

I'm almost starting to feel like it's a weird control thing. We've said we can't do last-minute visits (odd exception would be fine), but it's almost as they're forcing us into it.

fluffyraggies Sat 18-May-13 10:07:49

But but but .... (and sorry to keep picking) .... you hinted that your DH feels unable to say no unless their is a 'valid' reason. ie you're going out.

I really feel it would be healthier for him to feel able to say no - we'd like time to ourselves.

If one of you wants to pootle out shopping or whatever during this time then that's ok too.

I just feel it's not right that your DH feels unable to be honest with his DPs. There's no reason for them to be angry with either of you for organising your own time.

fluffyraggies Sat 18-May-13 10:08:57

x posts.

A chat with DH is needed methinks wink

happygonicky Sat 18-May-13 10:15:05

You've hit the nail on the head, fluffyraggies.

I don't want to have to go out (though I might, just to get a change of scene). I also really want some baby-free time (DH has had quite a few things on over last week, this weekend and next. Absolutely fine; not usually the case but I need some downtime). And I don't want to do any tidying.

I will talk to him.

fluffyraggies Sat 18-May-13 10:25:55

Good luck OP. Maybe you could show him this thread to help you?

You're not asking for the moon. And sorting out good understandings now between you and your DH and your parents and his (and anybody else who may visit) will stand you in good stead for the future smile

happygonicky Sat 18-May-13 10:37:27

Thank you. I'll report back.

Doubtfuldaphne Sat 18-May-13 10:42:24

Don't worry about being rude - just get dh to explain you're busy or needed a break! My dh now takes our dc's to the IL's so I can have some time out smile

diddl Sat 18-May-13 11:31:04

You shouldn't have to go out.

Why couldn't they?

If your husband wants to see his parents-fine.

Shouldn't mean that you have to, or have to leave the house, or have to entertain them.

If they are popping in due to being in the area, cup of tea is more than enough!
(And a short visit by them)

If your husband isn't bothered & can't/wont say no-that's a different problem altogether!

Great that you get on with them though.

ImperialBlether Sat 18-May-13 11:38:41

You poor thing. The thought of someone coming round and "noticing" that things weren't spotless without doing anything useful, would drive me nuts.

Go to the library or Starbucks (if it's quiet enough) to do your work and tell your husband to meet him somewhere in town for a coffee. That way you get out of the house and his family don't get the chance to criticise it either.

diddl Sat 18-May-13 11:52:18

Why do you have to tidy for his parents??!!

craftycottontail Sat 18-May-13 12:17:18

Sometimes it's not about tidying for the visitor, it's about what you're comfortable exposing of yourself.

I don't like having visitors over without a tidy house, not because they are of any elevated status or anything, but because I feel more comfortable entertaining in a tidy organised space that I feel in control of IYSWIM

diddl Sat 18-May-13 12:19:59

Yes of course IYSWYM.

What I meant was-if the place isn't tidy enough-why is it up to the OP?

LadyClariceCannockMonty Sat 18-May-13 12:28:42

'Not that the place is a tip, but his mum would notice if place not immaculate.'

Why should you care if she does? hmm

PoppyWearer Sat 18-May-13 12:37:26

I totally get where you're coming from, OP. I am someone who very much needs my own space and luckily my DH (actually a pretty outgoing person) since we had DCs recognises the need to have some "hermit-time" when we pull up the drawbridge and don't see family.

My MIL is also of the immaculate-house persuasion (I suppose all the cleaning helps them fill their time?) and my PILs now know that "dropping in" is strictly not allowed, as my MIL will judge us on the mess. How do I know? Because she also judges other family members and tells me about their dirty/messy houses (they aren't!). shock

(P.S. get a cleaner if you can afford one. Then you have a scapegoat if something is not up to MIL's standards: "oh, the cleaner must have missed that dust, I'll have to remind her next time.")

diddl Sat 18-May-13 12:40:05

"(P.S. get a cleaner if you can afford one. Then you have a scapegoat if something is not up to MIL's standards: "oh, the cleaner must have missed that dust, I'll have to remind her next time.")"

OMG, I think that really is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read.

PoppyWearer Sat 18-May-13 12:44:43

grin

I wasn't being entirely serious, FWIW. Deep breaths everyone.

happygonicky Sat 18-May-13 18:45:17

Well, DH rather brilliantly ushered a visitor who looked like they were settling in for ever out, and he's told his parents that I need some downtime at home tomorrow and so he's taking them out to lunch. I think he's also going to reiterate the general need for notice. I don't feel guilty. Perhaps I should, but I don't. I don't even feel relieved, just normal and able to look forward to tomorrow.

Re cleaning. I know she notices and I like to feel comfortable with what people see. Can't really explain it, but there you go.

Thank you.

myBOYSareBONKERS Sat 18-May-13 18:52:04

I gather he is taking the baby with him? Not much of a break otherwise

happygonicky Sat 18-May-13 18:58:49

Yup, the baby is going with him!

fantastic!

i know what you mean about cleaning tho. but cut yourself some slack. smile

happygonicky Sun 19-May-13 11:58:57

Brief recap: they're coming up today, DH taking them out to lunch so I can have some baby-free time. All I want now is to know when this is happening so I can get on with work; we've tried calling, no answer. I'm starting to get really quite wound-up now; feel like this stupid 'popping in for an hour' arrangement has taken over the whole weekend. Arghh.

jollygoose Sun 19-May-13 12:54:23

Well they are your dhsparents, wouldnt you be unhappy if they were not interested in new gc. I dont see why you have to do anything special when they arrive just sit back and let them get on with it.

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