to think i shouldn't have to pay for childcare incase ex is late?

(49 Posts)
LittleLisa78 Thu 16-May-13 22:43:58

Ex has fortnightly contact. Friday had always been my day off so I was always around to collect kids from school and he'd collect them from me any time from 3.15-6 depending on where he was working. He has the option of working from home on Friday so could collect them from school but never has, often working from home a different day instead to fit in with his social life. From next month I have Wednesday off instead of Friday and I finish at 5.30 on Fridays. I told him this and he expects that I'll pay for after school club til 6, though he admits sometimes he'll collect them at 3.15 therefore wasting my money. AIBU to think he should pay for after school care on his contact day? We don't have a contact order.

LittleLisa78 Sat 18-May-13 00:19:56

I have 2 DD's and one DS, youngest DD with new partner though. Like sock says - court order wouldn't change a thing. Agree he should work from home on Fridays and collect from school - that would not only make most sense but also mean he had more involvement in schooling than the token gesture of going to parents evening once a year

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 17-May-13 22:44:00

Solid if she try's to formalise it a court can't order him to show up on time they can't even order him to actually show up all they can do it order mum to make her available.

PearlyWhites Fri 17-May-13 22:19:03

Obviously you need to buy more food however the more dc you have the less you spend on food per head as you can bulk shop.

Er, the more kids you have, the more food you need to buy FFS.

To OP: If he is being a knob, now's the time to get it formalized, because otherwise he will carry on being a knob and expecting to have everything arranged for his convenience rather than what's best for the DC - and with no consideration for your needs at all.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 17-May-13 20:34:03

Pearly no problem, I do try to avoid being rude often I fail epically but its usually unintentional,

One thing it looks like you haven't really though about in your situation with 4 dc's and general living costs is this

Larger houses tend to be more expensive to buy or rent they also tend to cost more in ct heating lighting water and to maintain with children in an ideal world you need more than a 1 bed property so you automatically have increased costs that tend to go unnoticed.

And stuntgirl thank you.

StuntGirl Fri 17-May-13 18:44:24

sockreturningpixie speaks sense, as always.

He needs to put the children first, not himself. If that means forgoing the day off earlier in the week, so be it.

EatenByZombies Fri 17-May-13 18:40:59

Sidetracked/honest question; Do you have 1 DS and 1 DD? Just trying to understand why you need a 3bed house instead of a 2bed smile

PearlyWhites Fri 17-May-13 18:40:53

Thanks socks for answering my genuine question without being rude.
Lord sugar you are talking nonsense of course I don't think that. Children should be both parents number one financial priority. And I am also well aware of childcare costs.
I just hadn't included extras like rent and household bills because in my experience with four dc those costs only went up by a small amount.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 17-May-13 18:28:49

And I don't think you should split the costs, it very much reads as if the arrangement is that he has always been expected to collect from school but as that's previously been your day off it has never much mattered if he does not manage his time effectively as you are about to get her if he can't. Rather that you all of a sudden changing the arrangement and expecting him to fit in with it.

It sounds like you are just asking him to either stick to the original arrangement or not rely on you anymore when he can't.

LordSugar Fri 17-May-13 18:23:30

My point exactly, LittleLisa!

I think Pearlywhites was under the impression that you are raking it in and taking £320 of your poor hardworking ex's money each month to spend on designer clothes and luxury toys for the kids!

maddening Fri 17-May-13 18:23:26

Holly - even when nrp pays maint they still cover all cost if their days themselves - eg rp isn't usually expected to provide food when child is at the nrp's house are they?

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 17-May-13 18:23:19

Pearly. As I said earlier parents tend to bring up children in accordance with there incomings wealthier parents tend to mean children have a higher standard of living poor parents mean a lower standard of living.

I.e my best friend is a none working lone parent her children whilst having the basics the general financial standards in the household are what I would consider low any treats they have tend to be gifts from me.

I'm not a none working parent but I am a lone one with a healthy income my children have activities like flying lessons,own horses,sailing and the such like.

Kneebeefjerky Fri 17-May-13 18:23:12

I think you should probably split it. As you said 'depending on where he is working' I assume sometimes that he is needed in particular places on a Friday so can't necessarily work from home every Friday.

As it's actually you who has changed your working day I think it's reasonable to split it as you're making yourself unavailable for the pick up as well. On the basis that both of you are going to be unable to do the Friday pick up regularly I think splitting it is the fair way.

I don't think it's fair for him to expect you to pay it all, but at the same time I can see that from his point of view you simply announcing that you are changing your arrangements so he has to fork out the whole lot would also be unfair.

LittleLisa78 Fri 17-May-13 18:17:02

LordSugar - never mind 'taken a step back' I gave up a fab career and place at Cambridge University to care for our children. Meanwhile exes career has flourished

TheDetective Fri 17-May-13 18:16:18

£80 a month on travel to school (11 miles away).
£40 a month on school lunch.
£40 a month averaged for new clothes, shoes fucking shoes!! and school uniform.
£10 a month for Scouts.
£100 a month on food.

Then you have the additional costs of having a bigger home, more electric/gas/water uses. Plus childcare. And then any trips out with your child. Birthday parties. Other kids birthday parties. School trips, schools wanting donations for a gazillion things.

I could carry on, but I won't. But mine definitely costs more than £320 a month that's for sure!

TheDetective Fri 17-May-13 18:11:07

You've misread the OP. I posted about my ex's maintenance being £120 not the OP.

Childcare alone for a primary aged child can be more than that. Just for your information.

LordSugar Fri 17-May-13 18:09:18

PearlyWhites, the £320 wouldn't necessarily be spent by the OP on 'stuff' for the children. Maintenance goes towards the general 'running costs' of a child, so that would be rent, council tax, water, gas, electricity, food, school trips, school uniform, clothing, activities, the list goes on.

Quite frequently the resident parent will have taken a step back in their career, or gone part time, to enable them to take care of the children. £320 isn't a fortune per month for a single parent, believe me.

LittleLisa78 Fri 17-May-13 18:05:48

Why £120 maintenance?

PearlyWhites Fri 17-May-13 18:01:09

£320 was the 120 maintenance x 2 plus £80 a month child benefit.

PearlyWhites Fri 17-May-13 18:00:16

No not a non residential parent, am a mum of four who couldn't afford to spend over £300 on each child per month. Didn't mean to cause offence was genuinely curious.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 17-May-13 17:58:57

Where did you even get £320 from?

Op you do not have to justify your costs at all, if the arrangement is that he is supposed to collect her from school then if he is unable to make that due to work or social commitments then arranging appropriate care and funding that is his responsibility.

Even if you spend your week wiping your arse with £10 notes.

LordSugar Fri 17-May-13 17:53:00

I was going to say the same as Concreteblonde.

Concreteblonde Fri 17-May-13 17:51:46

Pearlywhites are you for real ?

Let me guess - are you a) a NRP who believes that his rights come way before his responsibilities or b) the wife/girlfriend of a NRP who is bitter about the amount of money spent on her Ex's children ?

LittleLisa78 Fri 17-May-13 17:16:08

Pearly - two primary children, which means I need a 3 bed roomed house - the rent for which is £200 more than a 2 bed roomed house alone. Not to mention food, clothes, uniform, school trips, dance lessons, gymnastics classes, football classes, beavers, petrol to all of above and school, extra utility bills, days out, friends birthday presents...I could go on

PearlyWhites Fri 17-May-13 17:02:55

OP so you spend over £320 a month on one primary school child, really on what exactly?

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