to make dh take tomorrow off work as I need a day off

(69 Posts)
ariane5 Thu 16-May-13 17:45:46

I am just exhausted and need a day in bed.

Dh won't want to take the day off he will be annoyed and say he is too busy but if I don't get a rest he is going to end up being off for a lot longer as I am absolutely shattered.

AIBU to make him take tomorrow off?

MammaTJ Thu 16-May-13 18:16:57

Cakecrumbsinmybra not really irrelevant how old the DC are. If it were me, with a 6 and 7 year old typing the OP, then giving further details, I would expect to be told to take them to school, then come home for a rest before collecting them again.

ariane5, you really do have a lot on your plate but it doesn't sound as though your DH is much better placed than you unfortunately. Try to get him to stay home tomorrow, YANBU.

In the future, have you considered some help from a Homestart volunteer?
Also, maybe offer yourself to the local college as a possible placement for their child care students. The HS volunteers can be left while you rest but the student can't but at least that is some form of support. They can do nappies while you supervise form the sofa.

ParsingFancy Thu 16-May-13 18:17:04

So sorry you're in this state.

I know I'm talking to the wrong person here, but he HAS to start dealing with reality, not with how he'd like the world to be. You're both crumbling under the strain; you can't go on like this.

Probably this weekend you're too tired to do it, but at some point you have to sit down and make a serious assessment of where you're at, and what can be changed. That may include ditching your caring role towards your wider family, and him detaching as far as possible from parts of his.

No easy answers, I know.

Ashoething Thu 16-May-13 18:21:00

Sorry but I am with your dh-repeatedly taking days off in this economic climate is asking for trouble and by the sounds of it his family are already pissed off.

Go back to your gp or social services and demand help-refuse to take no for an answer. I know a woman whose illness was she was a lazy,manky alkie but social services would come and take her 2 youngest dcs away every day to a playgroup as she needed a breakhmm They got collected and dropped off on a mini-bus.

With your dcs genuine disabilities then you should surely be entitled to some sort of help? I am interested into why your inlaws seem to refuse to help you?-is this because they don't agree with your choice to have 4 dcs?

Ashoething Thu 16-May-13 18:23:02

Sorry-read my post back and sounded a little abrupt and nosey to boot! I hope you are able to access some help op.

ariane5 Thu 16-May-13 18:26:01

No mil does not agree with us having 4 dcs, is horrible to me and undermines me. She is a nightmare.

We had a homestart lady for 5 weeks (she came wed morns) but homestart here lost funding and shut sad

whois Thu 16-May-13 18:26:13

Fucking hell, FOUR DCs all with health problems PLUS op and dh also have health problems. That is a lot to cope with!

What's the back story to this OP? Have you all always been sick?

ariane5 Thu 16-May-13 18:34:50

I always had health issues but never too badly affected untill last couple of years (have eds), dh very affected by it and has daily dislocations.

Dcs all have eds and other illnesses it is manic in our house I just can't keep up.

Didn't know about direct payments till last week so applied straight away but the lady at disabled childrens services said it takes weeks/months to go through but its a start.

Its only falling apart now that I'm not well. Up to now I was just about managing.not well but just about keeping my head above water.

MysteriousHamster Thu 16-May-13 18:40:41

Are you still caring for your sister too? If I remembering correctly that was very difficult and your mum and sister were somewhat taking advantage of you.

ParsingFancy Thu 16-May-13 18:43:30

ariane, it will depend on your household income, but could you claim income-based (not contribution-based) ESA for yourself?

(You might not meet the incapacity threshold, of course, and it's even more bloody paperwork.)

ariane5 Thu 16-May-13 18:46:52

No not caring for dsis any more. It got too much with everything and I couldn't help both her and dcs.

NatashaBee Thu 16-May-13 18:47:42

Do you think that your DH could do a different job that didn't involve a) manual work that is clearly making his issues worse and b) not working with his family? I remember your other thread and a poster further upthread is right, something has to give - otherwise you will collapse or you will be so tired that you can't monitor your DCs sugar levels closely enough. Keep on and on at the disabled children's service, doctor, health visitor, everyone and be the squeaky wheel that gets the oil. Unfortunately with such limited funding I think you really have to make a pest of yourself. Would you be able/willing to get any kind of respite care for any of the children? I know funding for that has also been cut recently.

whois Thu 16-May-13 19:01:14

I always had health issues but never too badly affected untill last couple of years (have eds), dh very affected by it and has daily dislocations

Oh I remember some of your other posts now now. I hadn't heard of EDS before that actually. Can't believe you are coping as well as you are!

There must be some kind of support out there? Suppose it takes a lot of time and energy to find out about it and fight to get it tho.

Hope things improve.

Ashoething Thu 16-May-13 19:05:38

Is your mil's issue that you knowingly had 4 dcs with a health condition or is it just the fact that you have 4 dcs period? I know about families being disapproving of having more dcs! Either way-she is not being helpful and is only making a bad situation worse.

You sometimes have to make a fuss to get what you need-cry,scream,beg at your doctors-do anything to try and get some help. Please don't put your dhs job on the line though-with benefit cuts going the way they are you might really regret that.

ariane5 Thu 16-May-13 19:08:11

I think the direct payments will help when we get them as can pay for a carer to come and help sometimes.

I have so much going on with this latest problem (abnormal smear) andin the next week and a half have us scan blood tests consultant appt etc and its just more appts I didn't need, there is just too much to juggle. Add to that that I'm scared and feel like shit and things have got 100 times worse in the last 48 hours.

I have to keep going for dcs but iam really so exhausted.

ariane5 Don't suppose you live near Cambridge - I would willingly come and give you a days help.

ariane5 Thu 16-May-13 19:10:42

Mil issue is just everything ! She doesn't like me at all.

We didn't know with first 2 that it would be genetic (well were told 5050 with ds1 before they realised it was from BOTH of us) but we knew with younger 2.

Tbh the diabetes causes more problems than the EDS at the moment and that wasn't genetic just bad luck although mil blames all dcs illnesses on me apparently "giving them too much calpol/nurofen"

ariane5 Thu 16-May-13 19:12:06

Married-sadly no, we are in Harrow nw london but thankyou for the kind offer.

I have EDS and so does my DS. DD doesn't seem to and DP does not.

I don't know how on earth you are coping,I'm utterly exhausted all of the time I dont think I'd cope with the extra 3 ill DC and ill DP.

I have,in the past,begged DP to take a day off work because I needed a day off sick,he wouldn't at first,but once he saw how close I was to breaking point he agreed.
That day made such a difference. You really need it.
Please,please sit down with him and tell him how desperate you are.

flowers and brew for you. You are a superhero.

ariane5 Thu 16-May-13 19:18:04

We are not coping really sad we are muddling along and getting more and more dragged down by it all daily.

We feel ill, dcs feel ill, house a tip and too many appts to go to.

I am drinking lots of coffee, trying somehow to find the strength to get through rest of day with dh now in bed with a severe migraine and ds2 crying and wanting to be carried and he wriggles and hurts my arms/neck.

I'm desperate for a hot bath and a hairwash and a long sleep.

xigris Thu 16-May-13 19:29:18

Oh God, Ariane, you are a superhero dealing with all of that! You have my respect. I wish you were nearer to me sad. Surely there has to be some form of practical support out there that you could access? I don't know all your story so please forgive me if you've already tried this or if I sound patronising; is there a EDS charity / foundation that could help? Any local Churches etc? I know that our local CofE and Baptist Churches do tons for the community. Could your HV not organise some sort of emergency support? If I was nearer then I'd come although my 3 year old is a crazy hooligan who may not be particularly helpful

ariane5 Thu 16-May-13 20:04:00

As far as I can see my best bet for additional help is with the direct payments so I'm hoping it gets organised quickly.

The homestart lady was wonderful I was so upset we only saw her for five weeks before they shut as dd2 adored her and I really appreiciated her help, she seemed to know just how to help, would make cups of tea, help get dcs ready etc.

ParsingFancy Fri 17-May-13 13:20:19

Thinking about you today, ariane. Sorry it's just internet vibes, not something more useful.

Second xigris's suggestion of asking HV and, well, anyone you can think of.

KingRollo Fri 17-May-13 13:22:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ariane5 Fri 17-May-13 13:31:39

Dh couldn't take today off, I begged him but he had to get two jobs done and sent out so he had to go insad

All evening he was unwell with a migraine and then he stayed up till 2am doing the washing/drying/folding poor thing. I was up most of night unwell (awful sore throat etc) and ds2 was up with the same. Dh woke with another migraine but had a breakfast of nurofen, paracetamol and coffee then went to work once his vision had cleared.

I am having a tough day, have 3 of 4 dcs at home (dd1 11 not well either today) so I am busy but am drinking lots of hot tea which is helping.

ParsingFancy Fri 17-May-13 13:34:39

<mops ariane's brow>

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