To want to go to my Sisters' party?

(80 Posts)
LaraCroftInDisguise Thu 16-May-13 10:01:51

This might be a bit long so I apologise in advance.

Two of my sisters have big birthdays coming up. They will be 21 and 30. So they are having a joint party to celebrate.

My family live 100 miles away from me, so I don't see them that often. In fact the last time I was with my mum and all my sisters at the same time was about 3 years ago.

The problem is that DP's DF died last year and the party will be at around the time of his birthday and death. It would have been his birthday at the beginning of July and the anniversary of his death is towards the end of August. This party is happening at the end of July. So somewhere in the middle. (The party was booked before he died.)

I know this is going to be a very sad and difficult time for DP (as it will be for me too, but obviously not on the same level) and I want to be there to support him. But I also miss my own family and would like to celebrate a big occasion for both of my sisters.

I would love DP to come as well but I have never put any pressure on him to do so. Last night I was talking to my Mum and the party was mentioned. DP went in a massive strop with me and said he won't be going. And if I insist on going and blowing money on it then he is going to blow money and take himself to Europe for the weekend and celebrate his DF's life that way. He didn't talk to me all night and barely said goodbye this morning when he left for work.

I really don't know what to do for the best. What do you think, am I being completely selfish and should I not go to the party?

I welcome all your opinions but please don't flame me.

olivertheoctopus Thu 16-May-13 10:36:54

I think your DP is being selfish, sorry. You should be celebrating time with the living as you never know what is round the corner and you can do that without compromsing the memory of the dead.

LaraCroftInDisguise Thu 16-May-13 10:37:35

Yes catsmother we have had to watch the £££'s recently and I think that might be affecting him. As he is the sole earner. But, like you say, what I'd spend going to the party is nothing compared to what he'd spend going to Europe. I mean it'd be around £40 for fuel, then drinks and as I won't be drinking alcohol (DS will be with me) I can't see that amounting to much.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Thu 16-May-13 10:38:50

So what are you going to do?

pictish Thu 16-May-13 10:42:12

I have lost a parent. My mum. We were close and I was devastated and very sad and depressed after her death.

Imo your dh is being a selfish arse.

Mama1980 Thu 16-May-13 10:44:53

Your dh is beng very selfish. You should go to the party, life goes on I'm sure it's what his dad would have wanted.

WandaDoff Thu 16-May-13 10:46:50

I'd go he's just throwing his toys out of the pram.

My Dad died on my brothers birthday, none of his siblings have a problem with him celebrating his birthday.

MIL died 3 days before SIL birthday. Again it is celebrated. Life has to go on.

Let him know that you appreciate his grief at losing his Dad & would be glad to remember the anniversary with him in an appropriate way, he's obviously still grieving so be gentle with him.

Fresh01 Thu 16-May-13 10:49:23

My dad died very suddenly and unexpectedly at the age of 52. So my opinion now is that families should all get together as often as is realistically possible as none of us know how long we are here for.

Yes, it will be a difficult period for your DH but he can't put life on hold for 2 months every year.

pictish Thu 16-May-13 10:50:46

It may be worth mentioning too, that my grief (which is ongoing) does not run to a timetable.
I am caught by odd moments that bring a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes. It could be anything...a song, a smell, a scrap of fabric...writing this. All of those things make me feel the loss.

Anniversaries and significant dates not so much.

You don't plan to be sad do you? You don't mark it on the calendar.
Or at least, I don't.
My mum would think marking the anniversary of her death was mawkish anyway.

I feel like your dh has the right to recognise the time of year in any way he so chooses. I'm not entirely convinced it's ok to put the kybosh on your plans to prioritise it though.
Seems rather demanding to me.

MoominsYonisAreScary Thu 16-May-13 10:51:15

He's being selfish, he should understand how important family occasions and everyone being together are. Especially if you haven't seen them all together for a while.

lydiajones Thu 16-May-13 10:51:42

You should go, if anything it should make your husband realise how important it is for everyone to spend time with their families while they are still around. They live 100 miles away so it is unfair for him not to let you see them and expenses incurred should be part of your family budget as he can't expect you never to see them. Also, the party is happening at the end of July so not really that near to when he died or his birthday.

Maybe you should talk about arranging something special to commemorate the anniversary of his dad's death on the weekend nearest to when he died and get his family together either at yours or at a place that had special memories of his Dad.

hobnobsaremyfave Thu 16-May-13 10:52:04

My father died on my sons 8th birthday, obviously I have cancelled his birthday parties for the rest of his life.
op yanbu your dp is bein vvvu

Crinkle77 Thu 16-May-13 10:53:30

Sorry but your husband is being selfish. What is the point of staying at home and moping? These are important milestones in your family life. It's not like you are just going away for something frivolous.

PuggyMum Thu 16-May-13 10:56:40

I'm another one who agrees life goes on. My dad died at xmas when I was 18 and I met my now dh shortly after. The following Xmas I spent with his family and just had a quiet moment with myself, as I do each year / birthday.

I see people on Facebook posting that today it's x years since we lost nana/dad/dog or its deceased persons birthday. To me it seems they are holding onto grief which makes it worse.

I think your dh needs to understand life goes on. Why should you miss time with your family. Surely he has realised time is precious.

LaraCroftInDisguise Thu 16-May-13 10:58:44

Thanks everyone, it's nice to know I'm not being selfish.

So I'll go to the party. I'll try to talk it through with him and hope he sees it from my perspective. And if he strops, I'll just let him get on with it.

Wanda as it happens his DF passed 2 days before my birthday.

DowntonTrout Thu 16-May-13 11:00:31

He cannot seriously expect you to decline any invitation or event that falls between two whole months, just because it was his fathers birthday and then the month of his death. Even if it is the first year he has been without his dad. It's not even on the actual day.

There is more to him feeling this way. Grief does funny things but his reaction is not normal. It is almost as if he is guilt tripping you and using his fathers death as an excuse to make you feel bad. Do you think it is because he cannot face a big family do because of his loss? That is still no reason for you not to go.

NatashaBee Thu 16-May-13 11:00:39

I could understand it if the party was on the same day as the birthday/ anniversary. But it sounds like he expects you not to do anything for the whole of July and August. Very unreasonable. As sad as it is to lose a parent, you can't expect everyone else's world to stop for 2 months a year later.

SooticaTheWitchesCat Thu 16-May-13 11:04:02

Go to the party. His father's death is still obviously affecting him in a bad way but you going to celebrate your sisters' birthdays shouldn't have any affect on him at all. It isn't as if it is on the actual dates of his dad's birthday or the day he died.

Suggest you do something together to celebrate his father's life on another day and if he is still stroppy then let him get on with it.

KurriKurri Thu 16-May-13 11:08:34

Sorry but he is being very controlling - he is using his father's death (and I do understand how traumatic that is) to stop you doing things, - your DSIS's party is a month away from the 'anniversary', he cannot book up every period of the year for 'no activity' because it has some association with his Dad. I mean it will be 'it's the one year two months anniversary of dad's death/funeral/birthday/wedding anniversary etc etc' next. It's neverending.

There are never ending supposed 'anniversaries' you can make something of - but actually when you lose someone, you think of them every day and little things jolt a memory and you feel sad and then you carry on. That's what grief is - intense at first then more bittersweet, and in fact the person you lose would never have wanted you to put your life constantly on hold and never do anything.

But I don't buy your DH's 'anniversary grief' - I think he doesn't want you to do things, so he's trying to guilt you out by bringing his dad's death in as a weapon. And that is a very nasty thing to do because you have no defense against it which doesn't make you look uncaring - and he knows that.

Ask him what his dad would have said - would he have said 'no parties or fun ever again if they fall in the general vicinity of when I died/my birthday etc etc' or would he have said 'get on with your lives and have fun while you can'?

My dad died just before Christmas (and in fact just before my DSIS and my birthdays) we didn't cancel Christmas that year or in subsequent years. We raise a glass to Dad over Christmas dinner, and remember him fondly. But life goes on.

IrritatingInfinity Thu 16-May-13 11:18:51

We have had a family death on a family birthday. It is fine. We get together to celebrate the birthday and at some time or other we have a chat and reminisce about the person who died. It isn't an issue at all.

Cailinsalach Thu 16-May-13 11:21:13

Your DH seems very childish and overly dramatic.

You can't celebrate your sisters big birthdays because his father died a year ago.

Yet he can feck off to Foreignland and celebrate his father's life?

Why doesn't he have an anniversary mass said on an appropriate day (not 2 month period) and go and have a couple of drinks to toast the transition of his Dad's immortal soul.

(You may want to substitute activities, churching and drinking, to something more suitable to your lifestyle and culture. Opera and golf?)

So does your DH expect the two whole months between the anniversary of his father's birth and the anniversary of his father's death to be a period of mourning the likes of which Queen Victoria would have approved? shock Will he be going to work wearing a black armband and refusing all invitations to socialise? Will your DC be expected to spend their summer not smiling or playing? No, thought not.

He is being incredibly unreasonable. And as has been stated, if he is so affected by losing his father, it would be more logical that he celebrated his father's life by ensuring all family ties were kept strong, i.e. encouraging you to go to this family party.

I would guess that you don't make a big thing about his sulking. I think you should consider changing that. I personally would read the riot act to him about his sulk over you wanting to see your sisters and over this manipulative threat to splash out on a Europe trip in revenge for you spending £40-50 on petrol/party. I agree with catsmother that he might be using your family party to disguise some other motive, because it's just such an extreme reaction to something which is not clashing with his father's birth or death in any way at all.

My mum died on New Year's Eve.

We still manage to celebrate New Year

2rebecca Thu 16-May-13 11:29:00

I don't feel particularly sad on the anniversary of my mum's death, it's at her birthday, Christmas and mother's day that I miss her most. I generally try not to mark the anniversary of people's deaths, it shouldn't be the important bit you remember about them.
My mum died just before my daughter's birthday. We don't not celebrate that.
I think your husband is being very selfish. Celebrating the living should come first. Why can't he have a drink to his dad at your sisters' birthday party? Surely that's what his dad would have wanted, not a misery fest.

CinnabarRed Thu 16-May-13 11:32:21

I could almost feel sympathy if he said something along the lines that witnessing your whole birth family celebrating together would merely emphasis that his own birth family is now missing a key member, and therefore he felt unable to attend this one event with good grace provided that he waved you and DS off so he could quietly contemplate his father's life at home.

That's not what he's proposing.

He's being a controlling arse.

I'm with KurriKurri on this: "But I don't buy your DH's 'anniversary grief' - I think he doesn't want you to do things, so he's trying to guilt you out by bringing his dad's death in as a weapon. And that is a very nasty thing to do because you have no defense against it which doesn't make you look uncaring - and he knows that."

LadyBeagleEyes Thu 16-May-13 11:34:01

The first anniversary of my mum's death is in two weeks, she died the day before her birthday.
I think of her everyday, the day will pass as does every other.
Your dh sounds very attention seeking.

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