To want to go to my Sisters' party?

(80 Posts)
LaraCroftInDisguise Thu 16-May-13 10:01:51

This might be a bit long so I apologise in advance.

Two of my sisters have big birthdays coming up. They will be 21 and 30. So they are having a joint party to celebrate.

My family live 100 miles away from me, so I don't see them that often. In fact the last time I was with my mum and all my sisters at the same time was about 3 years ago.

The problem is that DP's DF died last year and the party will be at around the time of his birthday and death. It would have been his birthday at the beginning of July and the anniversary of his death is towards the end of August. This party is happening at the end of July. So somewhere in the middle. (The party was booked before he died.)

I know this is going to be a very sad and difficult time for DP (as it will be for me too, but obviously not on the same level) and I want to be there to support him. But I also miss my own family and would like to celebrate a big occasion for both of my sisters.

I would love DP to come as well but I have never put any pressure on him to do so. Last night I was talking to my Mum and the party was mentioned. DP went in a massive strop with me and said he won't be going. And if I insist on going and blowing money on it then he is going to blow money and take himself to Europe for the weekend and celebrate his DF's life that way. He didn't talk to me all night and barely said goodbye this morning when he left for work.

I really don't know what to do for the best. What do you think, am I being completely selfish and should I not go to the party?

I welcome all your opinions but please don't flame me.

thebody Thu 16-May-13 10:03:49

Your dh sounds horrible, sorry.

Sugarice Thu 16-May-13 10:07:04

I would want to go to the party too, your dh's reaction to you is over the top and selfish.

I can understand he's still mourning the loss of his Dad but life does go on and he shouldn't be attempting to emotionally blackmail you to do as he is doing with the threat of going to Europe and ignoring you.

Was he a sulker before his Dad passed away?

LadyBeagleEyes Thu 16-May-13 10:10:47

I'm sorry, but life goes on.
My mum died in May last year, I'd still go to a family party.
What are we supposed to do, sit at home mourning.
Your dp is being pathetic.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Thu 16-May-13 10:14:35

Your DP is an arse. Sorry, but he is. You know it, we know it, he just needs to cop onto himself.

It's my Mum's 10th anniversary next week and we're having a big get-together for it. If my DH had a similar double-booking, I'd wave him off and hope he had a good time at his do.

LaraCroftInDisguise Thu 16-May-13 10:16:36

Sugarice he has always been a bit of a sulker, but nothing like this. It wouldn't last long and he would always apologise and say he was wrong.

goldenlula Thu 16-May-13 10:17:16

I can understand your dp is grieving but he is UR. My nan died on a Friday night, on the Saturday night we attended a reception for a close friend's wedding (this included my mum, whose mum it was that had died). If it as on the actually anniversary of his day's death I could maybe see it a little more from his point of view, but in effect he is writing of virtually 2 months due to 2 separate anniversaries. Yanbu to want to go to this party and you should go.

Cuddlydragon Thu 16-May-13 10:19:30

Your DH sounds quite awful, controlling and childish. You sound lovely OP but what exactly does he do for you? Do you think he might be isolating you from your family?

Cinnamom Thu 16-May-13 10:19:55

Sorry but your DH is being a selfish ass. My DM passed away and as awful as it is, life goes on. You have to live in the present and get on with it. I would never expect someone to put anything on hold for it a year later grin

Your family are alive and well. Dont waste an opportunity to spend time with them (the living).

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 16-May-13 10:21:06

Your DH's reaction is unfair. Throwing a strop and sulking is such a childish reaction. Does he always react like that? I can understand he's grieving and you want to support him but his reaction is selfish.

thebody Thu 16-May-13 10:21:22

Why can't he celebrate his fathers life with you and his in laws. I don't get this his/her family thing. When you are married its all one family isn't it?

For me if my dh acted like this I would question his emotional maturity.

My dh has lost both of his parents and wouldn't act like this.

Sorry again he's an arse.

Cinnamom Thu 16-May-13 10:21:42

That smiley face was not supposed to be smiley. It was supposed to be a shock

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Thu 16-May-13 10:21:56

Actually, the more I think about this, the more I think there has to be a whole lot more to this than meets the eye.

The party is a month out from the anniversary. A month...! Why on earth should he have dibs on you a month away from the anniversary?

Is he normally this controlling bossy?

Sugarice Thu 16-May-13 10:22:04

I would stand my ground and tell him you're still going.

Ignore the sulking.

squeakytoy Thu 16-May-13 10:23:08

Your partner is behaving like an arse.

Go and see your family.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Thu 16-May-13 10:26:05

Sorry OP, you are getting a bit of a vicarious flaming - but it's all for your DP, rather than you.

PeppermintPasty Thu 16-May-13 10:26:36

He's a big baby. Go to the party and enjoy yourself.

karinmaria Thu 16-May-13 10:27:36

Your DP is being over the top about this. I'd understand him being upset if your family party was on the same weekend as either his DF's birthday or anniversary but there is plenty of time between the dates. Does he expect to spend the months of July and August in mourning with you?

Perhaps you could ask him what he would like to do on the anniversaries and have a chat with him (once he's stopped sulking) about how important this family gathering is for you. It might also be worth letting him know that by coming with you he'd feel closer to, and more supported by, your family as he'd get to know them better.

NotSoNervous Thu 16-May-13 10:29:03

YANBU and your DP is completely out of order. Go to the party and enjoy it. He should be going with you aswell

Floggingmolly Thu 16-May-13 10:29:36

He's being a complete arse.

catsmother Thu 16-May-13 10:29:57

I'm sorry but he's being utterly ridiculous and extremely childish by threatening to go to effing Europe in some sort of tit-for-tat payback for you going to a family party in the UK. And say this is because his dad died and he wants to celebrate his life. Bollocks.

My dad died some years ago and I don't need to wait for the anniversary of his death, or what would have been his birthday, to remember him. I certainly don't decree that life should stop for me or anyone else during what amounts - in your case - to a two month period each year - all July and August.

I might be more sympathetic if the party was on the 1st anniversary of his death and he was worried about how he'd cope on that particular day but it isn't - it's a month earlier FFS and you're not showing him, or his father, any disrespect by attending. Unless he was a very unreasonable man I'm sure his father wouldn't be in the slightest bit offended if his son - your DH - attended as well.

I think he's using the co-incidence (and that's stretching it somewhat) of "the dates" clashing (which they're not) to go off and do something selfish for himself and I don't think his dad has anything to do with it. Has he been hankering after "him time" perhaps ? Have you had to watch the £££s lately and he's fed up about it ? By making a connection between his dad and this trip to Europe I think he thinks he'll get off the hook so to speak for blowing money (you haven't got ?) as you'll be too scared to object what with it being "for his dad" and all that hmm.

LaraCroftInDisguise Thu 16-May-13 10:30:13

He's not normally bossy or controlling. But then again I don't really do much for him to get controlling about!

I wouldn't say he was trying to isolate me. We do go to see my DM and DSF every few months and vice versa. He tells me he really likes them and I believe that's the truth.

IrritatingInfinity Thu 16-May-13 10:32:05

You DP is being very U and a bit odd. (And that's being charitable)

I'd tell him that his suggestion is a good idea and that, of course, it would be good for him to celebrate his DF by travelling to Euroupe.
Let him go and then you can visit your family in peace and really enjoy yourself. He clearly doesn't want to go with you.

Book both of your trips nice and early and keep the costs down.

Oh, it hardly needs saying but YANBU grin

Lj8893 Thu 16-May-13 10:33:07

Surely because of what has happened in his family with his df, he should realise more than ever how important family are and be encouraging you to spend time with yours?

That's what I would be doing it I was in the situation of your dp. And when you do speak to him perhaps you could say something like "with the death of your df it has made me realise how important family really are and I think its really important for me to spend time with my family on this special occasion, I don't want to regret it when it's too late"

I understand how he is feeling but he is acting like he is the only person in the world to have suffered a bereavement, which he isn't.

ihavenonameonhere Thu 16-May-13 10:34:50

He should understand after his Dad dying just how important family are and that you want to see them to celebrate a special time.

He is way out of order, someone dying doesnt give you a right to do anything you want

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