...or is OH?

(44 Posts)
littleginger Wed 15-May-13 21:52:16

So LO is 5 months old now and I need to know if I should be putting my foot down with my OH!

We got off to a bad start when LO was born. She would cry if anyone held her but me. This, along with the shock of what a newborn is REALLY like, meant there was no instant bond between OH and LO. This improved when the crying calmed down but still 5 months on and I do absolutely everything for LO. I really don't mind as I enjoy my LO so much but it winds me up so much to see my OH's lack of interest. I've had so many moments of anger but talk myself out of saying anything hurtful because i think he will be so good with her once she is that bit older.

But it frigging kills me sometimes. HV suggested early weaning due to reflux and after a few days of the boring stuff I was very excited to give LO her first veggie puree. I purposely timed it for weekend so he could be there. But when I was all set up he said he wasn't bothered about watching and stayed on his computer!! I had to bloody try and spoonfeed, stop her putting fingers in mouth and film with my phone at same time (because our parents seem to care more than he does). He realised I was mad and came in in the end but that's not the point...

Things got a bit heated when LO was 2.5 months old and before I knew it I had said that my dad had done more bottle feeding than he had and my parents had only visited 4 times as they live so far away. This made OH extremely upset and he agreed I'd hit a nerve cos he knows he's not done enough. But nothing's changed.

I'm sick of offering, suggesting and nagging in a polite way. I want him to just want to do it!!!

If anyone here had an OH who was exactly the same please tell me that an amazing bond was formed once LO wasn't a baby! All I hear from other new fathers is a completely different attitude!

McNewPants2013 Wed 15-May-13 21:57:49

is he a gamer

SprinkleLiberally Wed 15-May-13 21:58:56

I don't know who is U, but I'd probably back off. You can't force him to feel an interest in details. Give him time and the bond will likely develop as the baby grows. Nagging and pressuring him may make him dig his heels in and ruins uour day too.

Vividmemories Wed 15-May-13 22:01:14

He is being unreasonable. My DH did skin to skin and lots of cuddles with our newborn, now she's 6mo we essentially co-parent (as best we can, he works full time, I'm still on maternity leave). He is being crap but I don't know what to suggest sorry.

Squitten Wed 15-May-13 22:01:23

Can you just go out and leave him with her?

My Dh was kinda like that with our Dd. She was bf to start with and also cried with anyone but me.He didnt know what to do with her. As she was my 4th I just got on with it ( my exh was no help with the first 3 either so I wasnt expecting any help tbh ).

Once she grew up a tiny bit,about 9 month ish Id say,and started showing her "personality" and becoming more interactive he became more and more fascinated with her. ( she was also big enough that he wasnt afraid hed break her ).

They have the BEST bond ever now,always together.She keeps him well amused and interested and hes always coming up with things for them to do,projects,trips etc. I love watching them together.They have a very special relationship.

Shes 8 now btw but this started from 9 month ish

inchoccyheaven Wed 15-May-13 22:05:24

My Dh wasn't too keen on the little baby stage especially as both my dc were also very clingy etc and only wanted me. I can't imagine he would have been bothered about watching them eating their first mouthful of food or stuff like that but once they were more active and could do more then he enjoyed being with them.

Mine are now 10 and 12 btw and he is taking eldest to watch cricket at Lords tomorrow as they have that as common interest.

Numberlock Wed 15-May-13 22:06:06

What's he like in other respects, housework, emotional support, giving you leisure time etc etc.

iamamug Wed 15-May-13 22:08:15

My DH just 'didn't do babies'. Simple as that. When they get nothing back I think they find it hard to connect. It is hard and it is the closest I came to killing him when my babies were tiny.

However, now I have 3 strapping boys who adore their Dad. He is supportive, understanding and has been a brilliant hands on Dad, once they could speak!

Don't give up on him, in my opinion they are just not interested in first mouthful of food, first burp etc etc!

PollyPlummer Wed 15-May-13 22:09:34

Do you think he is scared, lazy or just not interested in babies ?
Yanbu btw, he needs to pull his weight, you are both parents.

TheCrackFox Wed 15-May-13 22:11:25

Is he doing anything to support you or just playing computer games?

LemonPeculiarJones Wed 15-May-13 23:00:26

Wow. Does he have form for being a lazy, selfish bore who lacks empathy, imagination and a sense of wonder?

He sounds like a waste of space.

littleginger Wed 15-May-13 23:07:13

Thanks for all the replies! I'm pleased that others OHs have been the same and it's not mattered as I'm now confident that this will be the case here smile

Pre-baby OH was amazing. He probably did more housework and he definitely did all the cooking grin. Understandably this has changed while I'm on maternity leave. But I think we both assumed he would be a better mum than me so I think when I've been stuck in the house all day or just tired I've come to the conclusion he doesn't care.

I had to leave LO with OH while I went the dentist and it was a nightmare. He also seemed to think he had done me a huge favour as though I had been on some sort of girly outing hmm

OH is not a gamer he just justhappened to be on the internet doing nothing of any importance when the food thing happened. But I realise now that after feeding LO almost one million ounces of formula the food thing is a big deal to me only!

Wow AIBU is so useful I did NOT want to get into a OH bashing with mum / friend!

steppemum Wed 15-May-13 23:09:18

I think the only way is to force the issue. In other words, go out for 2 hours, over a feed. hand baby to him on a clean nappy, tell him what time feed is and leave (make sure baby will be awake too)

When you come back, do not criticise, even if it went badly.
Do it again as often as you can, even if it is just while you go to asdas for the weekly shop.

heinztomatosoup Thu 16-May-13 05:49:27

He may be lacking in confidence with LO, it can be demoralizing if he/she cries every time he holds her. He possibly feels left out and grumpy about it? Good advice given to leave him alone with her, and definitely not critisise, even if he doesn't do it 'your' way. Also 'praise' him, even if it was a 'nightmare' (for who?), after all, he is a man! That way, he not only gains confidence and starts building a bond, but also appreciates how much work it is for you and will hopefully pull his weight going forward, especially if he has been helpful around the house in the past. Good luck.

delboysfileofax Thu 16-May-13 06:17:33

From a blokes perspective when they're shiny and New they're a bit boring to be honest. Don't get me wrong I loved him from the start but felt very much a spare part at the beginning. Give him lots of encouragement and praise (we're blokes we love that smile ) and he will grow in confidence. At about 4/5 months I started to enjoy it more. he's 15 months now and it would take a crowbar to get him off me. he's the cats pyjamas.

conorsrockers Thu 16-May-13 06:33:52

My DH was useless. Completely useless. And he would agree.
He worked away during the week (and still does) which helped. Even if he had a bit of time of work and I didn't, I would still take the kids to day care rather than leave them with him. It was soul destroying for me, and I felt very sad sometimes.
However, fast forward many years - we now have 10,7 and 6 yr old boys and he is great with them. Still doesn't do bath/bed, that kind of stuff, but he is a footy coach for one of their football teams, takes them swimming/cricket etc... sits and plays on the computer with them .... helps with some sorts of homework (!). I know as time goes on, he will do more - he is a Uni lecturer and his speciality really is teenagers, not babies - and, if I'm being honest, that bond didn't start to come until the boys were about 4/5.
Hang on in there - for some it's natural, others its really not - and it's not always just down to laziness or selfishness.

Numberlock Thu 16-May-13 06:34:36

Thank Christ I didn't have kids with a man child who I had to 'praise' for looking after his own kids.

JugglingChaotically Thu 16-May-13 06:34:37

Sometimes they just don't know what it do! I agree with other posters. Arrange to go out. Little and often. (Do the supermarket shop!) Don't criticise on return.
It gets easier as the babies become more "interactive". Good luck.

AuntieStella Thu 16-May-13 06:38:21

Yes, you have to go out.

Then you won't be tempted to swoop in to come to the "rescue" if she cries or he does things differently you.

He'll only get it by doing it.

HeyMicky Thu 16-May-13 06:41:44

Can you nudge him into doing more in stages? I find closed choices work well with DH: "Would you like to feed DD tonight or bath her?" Give yourself a task too so no one is 'lazing about': "You get her dressed while I clean up after breakfast."

Then set up the activity to make it easier for him eg run the bath and lay out her pyjamas, or prepare her breakfast in advance. That way he gets the task without the hassle (you can add the more tedious aspects in later wink) Not entirely fair he only gets the enjoyable bits for a while, but he might need the chance to build up his confidence.

Trazzletoes Thu 16-May-13 06:43:07

Show me a mother who gets to say "newborn babies aren't the most exciting things so I'll not bother with the feeding and nappy changing, you can do it" (incidentally, I do not agree that newborns aren't fun but...)

How come its ok for men to take zero interest in their own child, to not help out with feeds etc simply because they don't really fancy it?!

Yes he might not care about the first mouthful of food but he needs to pull his weight with the other stuff whether he likes it or not. This is his child!

LookingForwardToMarch Thu 16-May-13 06:48:42

Fuck me

'He's a bloke'

'They just don't know what to do'

'They just aren't interesting when they are tiny'

I really didn't think these attitudes still existed?! None of these are good reasons for letting a partner check out of their
responsibility.

None of us ( mums or dads ) know what to do the first time round. We have to learn, through experience! One parent can't just wait until the interesting bit.

Dads are just as responsible for their babies as mums. And ofcourse the baby will not get used to them if at the first sign of a cry or whimper they hand them over to someone .

I had to check the date on this thread wasn't the 50's

FadBook Thu 16-May-13 06:49:08

Yanbu

I would have an honest conversation about how you feel. You and him are both parents and have an equal responsibility for dd's upbringing. Don't pussy around dropping hints about how you feel, say it how it is: eg

"our daughter doesn't trust you because she's with me 24/7 and you don't do your fair share; you need to start taking care of her like I do my own and the trust will start to develop..." or something like that grin

See what his response to that is and support him where you can if he comes back with any fears.

I'd be upset re: missed weaning stage but you need to tell him "you've upset me" not huff and puff about it. smile

LookingForwardToMarch Thu 16-May-13 06:52:34

And also lol at the rewarding and praising them for looking after their own baby.

'Oh you just looked after your OWN baby for an hour! It's dirty and you didn't feed it but well done you! How did you manage it you wonderful man?!'

Barf

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