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I really hope its not me (IL related)

(72 Posts)
Kat101 Wed 15-May-13 19:41:42

Back story: since we had kids, my MIL has been down to stay for a week maybe twice a year or so. This has got more complicated as we've had more children, as she doesn't drive and it involves DH going to pick her up and take her back at the weekends (the IL's live 300 miles away). Its basically me babysitting her for a week taking her to garden centres and shopping while trying and failing to juggle work plus the whole young kids routines at the same time. FIL doesn't come as he is not keen to spend a whole week with young children , which is fair enough, and DH usually can't get time off work to help out.

So, fast forward to this summers visit. She wanted to come down for a week in May/June. We are horrifically up against it with change of jobs, house renovations, endless kids hobbies and taxi-ing around, zero time for ourselves let alone enabling a visitor to have a holiday. Nevertheless, I found 5 separate weeks that we could juggle around so she could come and stay.

They phone up, apparently none of those weeks are any good. They have a foreign holiday booked, medical appointments and a wedding to go to. They name 2 different weeks that we can't do as we have a pre-existing commitment (friends visiting) and get a barbed comment back about how busy we are. I stick to my guns though and tell DH I cant cope with her staying on top of the original arrangements, so he puts her off. She's upset. I scrabble around for a solution: aha, DH has a week off in the school summer holidays and the kids will be home all the time, perfect time for MIL to visit and she gets to spend all the time with her DS and DGC's. So we suggest it to her expecting her to jump at the chance, but the suggestion is met with silence and a "oh, I really wanted to laze around go clothes shopping in the daytime and then collect the kids from school".

I am trying to be as flexible as possible but we have so much on our plates and I am not a flaming travel agent They reject ideas of B&B's "don't like them". We are meeting at a mutual friends house this weekend and will talk about it more then apparently.

Any suggestions? Without me caving and then spending a week quietly seething with resentment. They have been good to us in the past, but I just don't have the time or energy for this.

Off to find a backbone

Kat101 Wed 15-May-13 19:42:50

I should probably add, all her visits are on the premis of "helping out"

No is a complete sentence!

Euphemia France Wed 15-May-13 19:45:15

YANBU. Fuck 'em - you've bent over backwards to come up with solutions, and they've thrown them back in your face. No visit from MIL this summer. Yay!

RandomMess Wed 15-May-13 19:45:30

I would keep offering her weeks that suit you later on in the year - it's tough really, you're not free every week and neither is she!

TheseFoolishThings Wed 15-May-13 19:45:45

They're your in-laws? Then DH should be fielding them off. He asks you when you can do, you tell him (presumably having discussed it together) and he deals with his Mother. It really shouldn't be your problem.

Go and get your big girl pants out and put them on.

Finola1step Wed 15-May-13 19:49:00

How lovely for her. So she gets a week off at yours while you run around after everyone. No wonder she doesn't want to come in the summer holidays. Too much like hard work for her.

I would tell her it's the week in the holidays or very sadly you will have to start thinking about dates for next year.

You've offered her six separate weeks and they've said no to all of them. And the reason for saying "no" to one of them is because her grandchildren will be off school that week and she doesn't want to spend too much time with them.

What you should do now is sigh loudly, and say "what a shame you can't come, how busy you are, well never mind". Actually, stick to "I've offered you a choice of six, yes six different weeks, let me know if you'd like to do one of those". Or you could go for hurt "but but but don't you want to come when the children are home? Don't you l-l-l-ove them?" Or announce that you've visiting them grin.

Why doesn't FIL drive her down, btw?

redwellybluewelly Wed 15-May-13 19:57:15

You have been more than reasonable, stick to your guns and put an end to this manipulation!

Also ensure your DH backs you up.

I like Bertha's approach ^

Kat101 Wed 15-May-13 19:58:49

FIL meets DH half way, historically its always been this way. They are nice people, just oblivious to what having zero time means. And MIL is lonely, doesn't drive and gets depressed.

Hassled Wed 15-May-13 19:59:38

If I ever ever become one of those MILs I really hope my children will take me out and shoot me.

Stick to your guns - you're right, she's wrong. One of those 6 weeks has to be OK.

forgetmenots Wed 15-May-13 20:00:26

YANBU. What Bertha said.

LittleEsme Wed 15-May-13 20:09:51

Wow, OP. You've been really accommodating. Agree with Bertha.

Squitten Wed 15-May-13 20:12:34

Just tell her that it's a shame she can't make it but the offer of the SIX weeks still stands if she gets a free window. Stop negotiating

Helenagrace Wed 15-May-13 20:16:42

Negotiation is over. You've offered a number of weeks. Don't offer more just say "oh what a shame perhaps we'll be able to find a suitable week in the autumn".

You're being waaaaaaay too accommodating!

Kat101 Wed 15-May-13 20:23:56

I try to be accommodating as their health is not the best and their age means they are oblivious to our demanding lifestyle though I am still bitter about the time I told them my mother had terminal cancer and they were worried this might affect our joint planned holiday

forgetmenots Wed 15-May-13 20:30:38

Flipping heck OP. definitely stop trying to suit them then, you've been hugely accommodating and lovely. Let your DH deal with them.

Sugarice Wed 15-May-13 20:44:51

Stop being their travel agent/ hotel!

Give the dates that suit and say you can't accommodate any other times.

Keep your game face on and dont fall for any sad faces off Mother!!

foslady Wed 15-May-13 20:52:17

So let me get this right OP, she doesn't work, but refuses to be flexible....and you and dh work/run the home/dc's & their lives/renovations/have a life of your own/own friends but are expected to fit around a sulkly mil.......

Nay, nay and thrice nay!!!!!

Six different weeks, bloody hell OP. That generation (generally) really doesn't understand how busy we are with school-aged children and both parents working these days. As a parent you have to be so much more involved with their schooling nowadays for one thing. There are way more school plays, assemblies, school trips to volunteer for, sports days, PTA events, parents evenings, homework, reading records, music practice, after school activities to organise and chauffeur to (or arrange for someone else to do it) and on and on. I know when I was in primary school in the 70's there was none of that. Maybe one event a year.

Work and social lives move at a much faster pace these days too, with all the technology, email, social media etc.

Did your MIL ever WOH?

pictish Wed 15-May-13 20:54:30

Why are you even dealing with this?? Why is your dh not?? It's his bloody mother who wishes to trample all over your home when it suits her, no matter whether it suits him, his wife and his kids.

She sounds really annoying!

Springforward Wed 15-May-13 20:59:06

Just tell her to get stuffed say no. Honestly, you've offered lots of options, it's ok not to offer any more if they don't work for you.

What's the worst that can happen if you say no?

Am a bit shock about turning down the week with her own DS TBH.

LemonsLimes Wed 15-May-13 21:06:01

Just Say No.

phantomnamechanger Wed 15-May-13 21:12:37

You are not a hotel.
If she can't come in one of the many slots you have offered she's obviously not that keen.

Just say, sorry you wont be coming this summer, we were looking forward to seeing you.
Do not be bullied/blackmailed into letting her have her own way!

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