to think if SD wants money from DH, she ought to see him? or at least be polite?

(107 Posts)
MoodyDidIt Tue 14-May-13 11:29:03

dh has SD, 16, from a previous marriage. after DH split with her mum (his EXW) he had regular contact and things were OK. but suddenly, nearly 5 years ago, SD just cut contact with him. it co incided when she found out DH and I were having a baby, DD, who is now 4.

despite his best efforts to keep in touch and maintain some kind of relationship, she just refused to see him or speak to him civilly. she spent a few years just occasionally getting in touch via email to give him verbal abuse. (as did her mother. hmm )

but in the last year or so, the abuse has stopped, and she gets in contact with DH every few weeks to ask for money for various things (dh also pays maintenance to SDs mum) and DH always gives it to her. she sends really short, to the point emails just asking for money. no how are you, love, etc. not even any, please, thank you, hello. things along the lines of "i need money for XXXXX can you send some" - its like she just uses him as some kind of cashpoint sad

aibu to think if she wants money she ought to see DH, even occasionally. or at the very least be more polite. we'd both love to have her in our lives, and DD has a half sister who she has never met (and vice versa) and if she ever wanted to see DH (or any of us) we would welcome her with open arms.

although the "contact" is better than what it was, dh feels bullied into giving her whatever she wants otherwise there probably would be no contact at all sad

badinage Fri 17-May-13 08:15:55

I am really very sorry for your loss.

redbunnyfruitcake Fri 17-May-13 08:22:21

Moodydidit I'm sorry you are getting flack as I think you are right in what you say. I am the daughter of divorced parents (violent alcoholic father left and got sober when I was 9) and we would never have been allowed to ask him for money without seeing him. He had court ordered access to us one evening a week until we were 16 then we could choose if we saw him. He was not in a position to give my mum maintenance but luckily she met a wonderful man who supported her and my 3 siblings.

So despite all the misery my real dad caused in our lives we were never allowed to disrespect him in any way. Our mum made sure she never spoke badly of him and we all had to maintain a level of respect regardless of our own inner turmoil. I have since had counselling and feel I have dealt with my issues with my real dad but know I don't have the relationship with him I wish I did but there you go. However I am grateful that my mum maintained some dignity and taught us that we should respect people even if they make mistakes.

My advice is to set boundaries regarding money and contact. Your husband may well have left the family home but it sounds like he has tried to maintain contact and pays maintenance which is more than a lot of fathers do. His daughter may well be angry and hurt but allowing her to manipulate him for money will not help her heal. Strong boundaries and fair treatment will. Giving her money when she has no respect for him just teaches her that she does not need to treat people with respect if they have hurt her and that she has a right to whatever she feels is appropriate recompense which will not help her as an adult.

I know some may think I am wrong but this is my experience and I hope it helps.

Yonihadtoask Fri 17-May-13 08:24:15

From a 'child's point of view:

My F left when I was 5. He went to live abroad. He did send maintenance money - but I guess it wasn't enough -as DM complained constantly that there wasn't enough money.

I have seen my letters to him as a young child.

'Dear Dad. For Christmas I would like.....' Love from Yoni.

Even as I got to be older - teenage years I would write and ask for money - first car etc. (even though I was working).

I am very embarrassed that I was like that.

It has to be the bitterness that came from my DM. Even though she was the one who instigated the separation.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 17-May-13 08:41:30

Yoni

Or perhaps it was not bitterness from your mother and she was just broke.

Snog Fri 17-May-13 08:57:51

I think it would be nice to keep trying to build up contact - but initially just between the father and his daughter not the rest of your family.

However, linking extra money to contact visits seems wrong to me.
If your dh would pay for extras if they lived together then why not now?

If it is just guilt money then there are other ways to show you care.

Goldmandra Fri 17-May-13 09:35:54

If your dh would pay for extras if they lived together then why not now?

The OP has said that her DH feels bullied into giving her whatever her wants just in order to maintain the current, very unsatisfactory, level of contact. It doesn't sound at all like she would get those things if they lived together as they are not exactly flush themselves.

If he would pay for them for a child who lived with him then fair enough but he has two children to consider and perhaps this level of treat-funding isn't sustainable.

Yonihadtoask Fri 17-May-13 18:41:43

sock maybe. But she still goes on about it now.. 40 years later - and she isn't broke.

I dont' think it is good to let the young DC know about financial issues though.

My XP doesn't contribute much to DS - but I don't let DS know, I just suck it up and pay for stuff myself. I don't want DS to be upset or 'take sides'.

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