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to think if SD wants money from DH, she ought to see him? or at least be polite?

(107 Posts)
MoodyDidIt Tue 14-May-13 11:29:03

dh has SD, 16, from a previous marriage. after DH split with her mum (his EXW) he had regular contact and things were OK. but suddenly, nearly 5 years ago, SD just cut contact with him. it co incided when she found out DH and I were having a baby, DD, who is now 4.

despite his best efforts to keep in touch and maintain some kind of relationship, she just refused to see him or speak to him civilly. she spent a few years just occasionally getting in touch via email to give him verbal abuse. (as did her mother. hmm )

but in the last year or so, the abuse has stopped, and she gets in contact with DH every few weeks to ask for money for various things (dh also pays maintenance to SDs mum) and DH always gives it to her. she sends really short, to the point emails just asking for money. no how are you, love, etc. not even any, please, thank you, hello. things along the lines of "i need money for XXXXX can you send some" - its like she just uses him as some kind of cashpoint sad

aibu to think if she wants money she ought to see DH, even occasionally. or at the very least be more polite. we'd both love to have her in our lives, and DD has a half sister who she has never met (and vice versa) and if she ever wanted to see DH (or any of us) we would welcome her with open arms.

although the "contact" is better than what it was, dh feels bullied into giving her whatever she wants otherwise there probably would be no contact at all sad

fedupofnamechanging Wed 15-May-13 17:43:09

If I was your dh, I would be making a proper effort to find out where his dd is living. That's important. Never mind what the exw says, as a father he ought to know where his child is living - get legal help if necessary. Not insisting on access has made her feel like she is not his priority. When you had your baby was the time he should have been fighting the hardest for continued contact.

I think if I was him, I would send regular chatty emails and texts. I would repeatedly tell her that I miss her and would love to see her. She possibly thinks he is giving her money out of guilt/obligation and so he feels 'off the hook' for doing anything more. He needs to let her know that having a new baby hasn't made her less important to him.

I think he should sometimes say no to giving her money - it's not good for any teenager to have the expectation that dad will always pay on demand! A simple 'sorry, I can't afford X' would suffice - then just carry on with the chatty stuff.

If he puts the work in now, eventually she will mature and there will be a chance of fixing this.

thebody Wed 15-May-13 17:48:05

Karma, spot on.

LemonsLimes Wed 15-May-13 18:22:31

Did your husband go through the courts to fight for proper access to his child?

MoodyDidIt Wed 15-May-13 18:36:25

no he didnt lemonslimes

because he was told (by her mum) she didnt want to see him

he should have though, and believe me we still have arguments about it (ie that i think he was a twat for not going to court) but he can't turn the clock back now. i told him at the time i thought he should still go through court, but he thought it would just make things worse. and as by then SD was 12 or 13 she couldnt have been forced to see him anyway.

MoodyDidIt Wed 15-May-13 18:37:55

what we think was happening was EXW was telling DH to stay away and then telling SD her dad didnt want to see her

fedupofnamechanging Wed 15-May-13 18:57:58

If he had gone to court, then sd would have known that he wanted to see her. And even if it was truly her choice not to see him, at least when she grew up, she would know that he had fought for proper access.

MoodyDidIt Wed 15-May-13 19:02:58

i know karma

thats exactly what i told him

<sigh>

spidersandslugs Wed 15-May-13 19:04:31

Yanbu. Your sd sounds like a spoilt brat.

FrogInABog Wed 15-May-13 20:00:39

It sounds like she is testing whether he cares enough to give her the money. Does he reply saying 'I would love to see you, would you like to have a day out doing whatever you like with just us soon? we could go shopping if you like, i miss you lots, love you' or similar?
Even if she just goes for the shopping to begin with, at least they will see each other and begin to rebuild the relationship.

MoodyDidIt Thu 16-May-13 10:06:55

yes he does frog

even though as i said, she just sends really short, to the point emails, he always replies, saying how are you, great to hear from you, love you, etc. and when she asked for the money for the prom dress he asked her to send a photo of her in it.

i have spoken to him about it now and he has already sent the money for the last thing she asked for, but he says next time thats what he will say. ie suggest meeting etc

Mimishimi Thu 16-May-13 10:14:59

Sounds like she is trying to play on any guilt he might have. Perhaps your DH should jut give her a set amount each week, aside from the maintenance he gives her mum, and she has to buy anything she want out of that. Like any regular teenager with their pocket money...

GoingUpInTheWorld Thu 16-May-13 10:20:25

16 year olds dont get pocket money.

They have to get a job. Why should her father give her money when she wont even be polite?

thebody Thu 16-May-13 10:26:54

Because her father left?

ryanboy Thu 16-May-13 10:32:30

I repeat can you say what sort of things she is asking for money for? ie Is it things she needs for school, or that she has inadequate clothing or is more like a new phone and designer bags?

MoodyDidIt Thu 16-May-13 10:35:24

because her father left

sorry but this attitude makes me angry. why is it always the dads who have to be condemned for "leaving"

unhappy couples split up ALL the time, but the majority of the time the DCs stay with their mums

i left my eldest (ds's) dad when ds was a baby, because i didnt love his dad anymore and neither of us were happy. and all i ever got was constant praise for people for being sooooooo brave making a new start and getting out of a bad relationship. my ex was devastated at the split - not because he wanted me to stay - but because he wouldnt live with DS anymore.

but if dads leave, dads get berated for leaving a shit relationship - just because they generally don't get to "keep" their kids - when most of them would LOVE to have the dcs stay with them but it just doesnt happen

angry

thebody Thu 16-May-13 10:38:43

Moody, you need to read the whole thread.

GoingUpInTheWorld Thu 16-May-13 10:40:56

1 in 3 marriages end in divorce.

She has a hell of a lot of growing up to do if she thinks that she can sponge off her father because her parents marriage broke down.

If she looks around, she will see that its very common for childrens biogical parents to not be together, and does she see them getting everything they want and being able to be rude to her parents because they are not together?

Ryanboy

Its more for cinema trips with her friends, money for alton towers with her friends.

No basic living essentials. He pays maintenance for that.

GoingUpInTheWorld Thu 16-May-13 10:43:56

Next time she emails asking for money

Reply with

GET A JOB!

Yes ask to meet her and spend time with her, but make it clear that he wont be spending money on her for spending time with him.

I bet she wont want to know.

You cant buy people.

burberryqueen Thu 16-May-13 10:44:22

could i just suggest that you stop calling her a 'half sister' it is an incredibly hurtful phrase, one that suggests that you are perhaps, only half a person.
other than that, perhaps her dad should try and do some of the 'running'?

wishingchair Thu 16-May-13 10:51:27

GoingUpInTheWorld - you have no idea what her mum has said to this girl about her dad. What damage that might have done to her feeling of self-worth etc etc.

Yes 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce. There are also starving people in Africa. None of this helps you feel any better about the difficult situation you find yourself in.

FWIW - I think he needs to be emailing her anyway and not waiting for her to get in touch with another request. What's wrong with him just sending her a "hi, how are you" type message. Does he do this? Or is his contact with her purely reactive ... i.e. when she gets in touch with him he responds??

MoodyDidIt Thu 16-May-13 11:12:32

burberry i would NEVER describe them as "half sisters" in RL - its just for the purposes of this thread. for example when we told DD about SD, we said she was DD's sister.

you have no idea what her mum has said to this girl about her dad. What damage that might have done to her feeling of self-worth etc etc. - agree with that as well - we are very sure she will have said awful, untrue things about DH to SD sad

and wishingchair yes he does contact her, but never gets a reply. she only contacts him when she needs money. but he knows he needs to keep contacting her nonetheless.

and thebody i have read the whole thread thanks, i am the OP grin

burberryqueen Thu 16-May-13 11:16:23

that is good moody, I am still recovering from being 'only a half sister' at my late age, and what really got my goat was my children being described as 'half nephews/nieces' right in front of them!!

Dahlen Thu 16-May-13 11:44:43

I totally agree with karma - we are talking about a hurt, angry teenager who is lashing out while at the same time trying to exploit a situation in the way of teenagers.

Moody - It's great that you've been able to see what your DH should have done when he split from his XW. You sound as though you'll make a lovely SM if this relationship can be salvaged.

From the SDs POV though, I'm not surprised she's using her dad as a cash cow, and sullenly at that. In her head she's probably thinking, "I'll ask dad for that, it's the least he can do since he doesn't care about me and can't be bothered to see me." The fact that he hasn't fought to see her will equate in her head as not bothering, especially as she was still a child when this happened, and particularly because it has coincided with a new baby.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 16-May-13 13:52:45

It is quite normal for teenagers to keep asking for money its just what they do.

Nothing wrong with saying no tho.

badinage Thu 16-May-13 14:26:32

I was on your other thread about your husband's daughter OP.

Like I said on that one, I suspect you haven't been honest here or there about the circumstances of your husband's break-up with his wife or about your involvement in it and that this is the context to the older and younger woman's previous bitterness towards your husband. The 16-year old might still feel bitter about that and seeing as no-one's heard from his ex in years, there's no reason to think she feels anything towards your husband other than a reluctance to associate with him now that her daughter is older and can see her father independently. She's entitled to do that.

Furthermore, I suspect you're being disingenuous again by claiming that your husband would have loved to have taken his daughter with him, but even if he had felt that way, that would have been wholly unfair to his daughter, who had the right all along to have contact with both parents.

Instead, what your husband did was to fail to exercise his daughter's rights to see him and instead, put all his energies into creating a new family and being a stepdad to your child.

Yet again you are making unequal comparisons on this thread. If a mother left a relationship and a child behind, went on to create a new family and supported another man's child as well, while simultaneously failing to exercise her own daughter's rights to see her, she would have been castigated by society far more than your husband has.

Judging from the other thread about this teenager's difficulties, it's abundantly clear that this girl is mixed up and in pain still, while also going through the usual teenage angst that is typical of her age group. Her father throwing money at this without trying to build a relationship with her is not going to help one bit. But then neither will it help her to have a stepmother who has an irrational hatred towards her mother based only on uncorroborated stories from the man who left her and because she was angry and bitter towards your husband and you, years ago when this was still quite raw.

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