to think if SD wants money from DH, she ought to see him? or at least be polite?

(107 Posts)
MoodyDidIt Tue 14-May-13 11:29:03

dh has SD, 16, from a previous marriage. after DH split with her mum (his EXW) he had regular contact and things were OK. but suddenly, nearly 5 years ago, SD just cut contact with him. it co incided when she found out DH and I were having a baby, DD, who is now 4.

despite his best efforts to keep in touch and maintain some kind of relationship, she just refused to see him or speak to him civilly. she spent a few years just occasionally getting in touch via email to give him verbal abuse. (as did her mother. hmm )

but in the last year or so, the abuse has stopped, and she gets in contact with DH every few weeks to ask for money for various things (dh also pays maintenance to SDs mum) and DH always gives it to her. she sends really short, to the point emails just asking for money. no how are you, love, etc. not even any, please, thank you, hello. things along the lines of "i need money for XXXXX can you send some" - its like she just uses him as some kind of cashpoint sad

aibu to think if she wants money she ought to see DH, even occasionally. or at the very least be more polite. we'd both love to have her in our lives, and DD has a half sister who she has never met (and vice versa) and if she ever wanted to see DH (or any of us) we would welcome her with open arms.

although the "contact" is better than what it was, dh feels bullied into giving her whatever she wants otherwise there probably would be no contact at all sad

Lj8893 Tue 14-May-13 18:22:21

Ok sorry I read it differently.

I used to be a step mum (never married but as good as) and when I broke up with xp I still kept in some kind of contact with both girls but didn't pay maintenance or access meetings etc. will always say hello and chat to them if I meet them in the street (when they are with their mother, I stay well away from xp and his current gf) but they wouldn't ever ask me for money!!!

thebody Tue 14-May-13 18:42:50

Yes agree pig. This kid needs time not money but I expect that's how she is reaching out to her step dad but keeping her emotions safe.

Op if she could meet up with dh a few times and re connect, then meeting you and finally your dd.

Think you are both able to really help and be there for her but 'normal' teenagers from stable homes can be very difficult at the best if times so may not be an easy oath.

MoodyDidIt Tue 14-May-13 18:45:32

sorry, she is MY sd, not DH stepdaughter

she is DH's daughter

just realised my OP was a bit unclear blush

cozietoesie Tue 14-May-13 18:48:54

thebody made a good point - it's a few meetings that will be needed. The first one is likely to be harrumphs and silences with things not easing up until later.

Lj8893 Tue 14-May-13 18:50:09

Ahh I did read it right then smile thought I was going mad!!

I really do believe this is her way of reaching out to her dad, she's possibly a little bit shy because she has made him become a stranger to her and maybe she's a little embarrassed because of this? I think he needs to invite her round, perhaps "yes I can give you some money for Alton towers, perhaps you can come round for dinner and ill give you the money then, be great to see you an you can tell me all about your plans for Alton towers!"

MoodyDidIt Wed 15-May-13 08:17:32

I really do believe this is her way of reaching out to her dad, she's possibly a little bit shy because she has made him become a stranger to her and maybe she's a little embarrassed because of this

god i really do hope thats the case

will suggest your ideas to DH.

flanbase Wed 15-May-13 08:20:18

It's totally unacceptable to be emailing and asking for cash like this.She needs to interact on a family level and not to use your dh for money. She needs guidelines set now

DontmindifIdo Wed 15-May-13 08:39:30

Can I just ask, are you certain this isn't accidentally undermining exW? If she, as DSD's mum has already said "no", is she happy for her DD to contact her dad to ask for the money or is it reinforcing "mum pays for dull things, dad pays for fun things" (even if he doesn't see his DD, this doesn't mean his ExW isn't hurt/undermined by this if she's said no and DSD just says "i'm doing X anyway because dad's given me the money"). It might be worth before agreeing to give the money to DSD, he makes a point of contact his ExW each time and saying "just to check, DD wants £x for ABC, I'm happy to give her the money but let me know if you would prefer I didn't."

MoodyDidIt Wed 15-May-13 09:21:32

hmmm good point dontmind

but exW doesn;t talk to dh at all now, dh has got no way of contacting her, he doesnt even know where they live now. any communication with SD is done via email. although EXW has contact details for dh so if she wanted to she could get in touch

its a very strange and complex situation tbh - and if i had known all this would happen i would never have got with dh

Goldmandra Wed 15-May-13 12:02:50

I think you're in a very difficult situation which is going to take a lot of thinking through before you make any moves.

I wouldn't want anyone to teach my 16 year old that she can demand money and it will be forthcoming without question. That isn't helping her to learn about and understand the financial or social realities of adult life.

Your SD's motives and feelings aren't clear but what is clear is that you and your DH need to talk this through and work out an approach that you both feel can be carried through and will be sustainable when his other DD is older and also wanting money for clothes and treats.

I would suggest that he offers to take her out on his own to buy whatever she asks for next. If it isn't something he can take her to buy he can ask her to meet him for a coffee to hand over the money.

He could then build on that and make it clear that he will make time for just her if that's what she wants. Baby steps are probably the best he can achieve but he isn't going to do her any favours by allowing her to push him around.

LemonsLimes Wed 15-May-13 13:07:38

I think her refusal to see him or speak to him civilly was her acting out her hurt at her dad not living with her and then having another baby that he would be living with. Of course your dh was doing nothing wrong, but it wasn't wrong for her to be hurt about it either at age 12. Sometimes kids act angrily when they are hurt. I think your dh has to continue his efforts to see her and have a relationship

Goldmandra Wed 15-May-13 13:34:36

Of course your dh was doing nothing wrong, but it wasn't wrong for her to be hurt about it either at age 12. Sometimes kids act angrily when they are hurt.

I completely agree that it was an understandable reaction when it was a new situation and she was 12.

This girl is now 16 and has had 4 years to get her head round the new family dynamics and having a half sister. There comes a point where teenagers have to learn to moderate their emotional responses and make an effort to be civilised.

16 isn't too young to start taking the needs and feelings of others into account and understanding that you can't take your resentment out on people and expect them to reward you for it by dishing out money for treats.

CloudsAndTrees Wed 15-May-13 13:43:22

She was obviously very hurt at her dad leaving and then having a new daughter, she deserves some understanding.

She is sixteen, she is allowed to be a little self centred. She may well turn out to be a lovely person when she has grown up a bit, your DH should do whatever he has to do to maintain any kind of relationship, and most importantly, show that he cares.

It would be awful of him to stop giving money. He might pay maintenance, but there are very very few non resident parents that pay half of the true cost of having a child, so he has probably not done too bad with what he has had to pay for his daughter.

She might not be being a great daughter at the moment, but it doesn't sound like your DH is a great dad either, and he's the adult.

GoingUpInTheWorld Wed 15-May-13 13:56:01

Your dh is crazy for just handing money over when she cant be arsed to be civil or be bothered to have anything to do with him.

Shes 16, she needs to start growing up, shes not 12 anymore where she can act like a child and her behaviour be excused because she is a child.

I hate men that are scared of rocking the boat with their kids, its pathetic.

If your dh takes your sd out for the day to get her what she wants, what is that showing her?

That if she spends time with him, then he buys her gifts.

Hes therefore paying to spend time with his nearly adult daughter

Ridiculous!! She knows hes a pushover, and thats why she keeps asking for money.

PrincessScrumpy Wed 15-May-13 13:57:22

Just a thought, I like the idea of taking her to get item she requests and adding lunch. for timea when she wants money for say Alton towers, yep I'll give you the money when you come over for dinner

GoingUpInTheWorld Wed 15-May-13 13:59:11

The 16year old should see her dad because she wants to, not because she knows shes going to get rewarded for it.

LemonsLimes Wed 15-May-13 14:02:23

The OP said the girl's mum is "vile, money grabbing, spiteful and materialistic." I reckon I'd be left feeling pretty resentful and angry if I'd been left to live on my own with someone like that, even four years later.

Goldmandra Wed 15-May-13 14:35:05

The 16year old should see her dad because she wants to, not because she knows shes going to get rewarded for it.

I couldn't agree more. However it could be the best way to start building a more appropriate relationship; one which is not on based solely on demands and money.

MoodyDidIt Wed 15-May-13 14:39:59

i know lemonslimes

i know DH would have loved to have taken his dd with her when he left, but it just doesn't happen does it, the dcs tend to automatically stay with their mum dont they. (unless in very extreme cases ie drug abuse, alcoholism etc)

DH says when he was with EXW, she was cold and uninterested towards her DCs. yet EXW is almost certainly responsible for SD's feelings towards her dad, it would have been her making out DH didnt want her any more because he has a "new family" hmm - as in any communication DH and I have had with EXW, this is what she accuses him of. yes technically DH has a "new family" but that does not mean SD can not be part of it.

i had never seen a mum use her own DC as a weapon until i got with DH, i didn't believe it really happened. but it does sad

i don't know how any mum can do it, its the child who ultimately gets hurt the worst.

ryanboy Wed 15-May-13 15:04:19

It depends what sort of things she is asking for money for really.
Could you give some examples.If it is things she needs money for then she has every right to ask her parents for it.The details of the maintenance arrangement shouldn't be her concern.

50shadesofvomit Wed 15-May-13 15:05:14

The SD is copying how her parents interact. She'd probably be more polite and civil if her parents were acting like that to one another.

I am a single mum to 3 kids and oldest is 12. He won't see or contact his Dad at all because he's very angry and hurt. His Dad thinks he's doing the right thing by letting things drift and simply paying him his monthly allowance into ds1's bank account. Personally I could never take this head in sand approach but ex has not seen ds1 for contact in 2 months and he left the marital home only 3 months ago. I feel like the longer that ex leaves it, the harder it will be to repair things. lIf SD is jealous then your h needs to make one on one time with her- even if it means 30 minutes at the local McDonalds for a meal before handing out money.

Ashoething Wed 15-May-13 15:55:40

Why does your dh not know here his 16 year old dd lives? Why is he not doing all he can to rectify this immediately? Btw badmouthing the mother is bad form-you dh liked her well enough once to have sex with her at least once.

The sd is testing the boundaries and trying to see how far she can push it to see if your dh loves her. Very sad she feels she has to do this.

LoveItLongTime Wed 15-May-13 16:03:05

She's a child. He's a grown up. She doesn't owe him anything. Yes, asking nicely is polite, but you can't deny she must have awful feelings of hurt and confusion about her dad. He needs to be looking to repair that.

MoodyDidIt Wed 15-May-13 17:00:58

he has tried and tried to repair it loveit and he still is

and ashoething i can "badmouth" her mother, she deserves it how she has behaved to her own DC and the father of her DC. i am sure she was a nice person once as DH married her! but she isn't now and IMO she is not a good mum either (see my previous posts)

and DH has tried and tried to be civil with his ex, but she won't be. the animosity has only come from her side.

and the reason DH doesn't know where they live is because the last contact DH had with his ex was an email from her telling him they were moving house and to basically f**k off out of their lives. so all dh was left with was an email address for SD.

sorry, all this is probably drip feeding but if i had have put it all in the OP it would have been an absolute essay

GoingUpInTheWorld Wed 15-May-13 17:06:26

Op

In that case, the sd obviously has no interest in your dh, only interested in contacting him for money.

Hes being walked over and treated like shit, then he hands money over for treats she should get a part time job to pay for.

Your sd needs a reality check.

Dont let your dh have the piss taken out of him. Stop all family money being handed over to sd until she can learn to not be a brat.

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