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to think if SD wants money from DH, she ought to see him? or at least be polite?

(107 Posts)
MoodyDidIt Tue 14-May-13 11:29:03

dh has SD, 16, from a previous marriage. after DH split with her mum (his EXW) he had regular contact and things were OK. but suddenly, nearly 5 years ago, SD just cut contact with him. it co incided when she found out DH and I were having a baby, DD, who is now 4.

despite his best efforts to keep in touch and maintain some kind of relationship, she just refused to see him or speak to him civilly. she spent a few years just occasionally getting in touch via email to give him verbal abuse. (as did her mother. hmm )

but in the last year or so, the abuse has stopped, and she gets in contact with DH every few weeks to ask for money for various things (dh also pays maintenance to SDs mum) and DH always gives it to her. she sends really short, to the point emails just asking for money. no how are you, love, etc. not even any, please, thank you, hello. things along the lines of "i need money for XXXXX can you send some" - its like she just uses him as some kind of cashpoint sad

aibu to think if she wants money she ought to see DH, even occasionally. or at the very least be more polite. we'd both love to have her in our lives, and DD has a half sister who she has never met (and vice versa) and if she ever wanted to see DH (or any of us) we would welcome her with open arms.

although the "contact" is better than what it was, dh feels bullied into giving her whatever she wants otherwise there probably would be no contact at all sad

Mosman Tue 14-May-13 11:40:37

Well he needs to stop giving her money and direct her to her mother I guess

MoodyDidIt Tue 14-May-13 11:53:21

ha that would go down like the proverbial lead balloon .....

Patosshades Tue 14-May-13 11:59:04

I think you both might need to cut her some slack. New baby came along when she was 12, quite a vunerable time for children, in her mind she may have thought she was being replaced.

The emails are abrupt alright but it sounds like she's reaching out to some extent. I'd imagine she's had her feeling hurt so no you're not going to get "how are you, love" or any small talk in the emails. Teenagers tend not to do that anyway, not the ones I know anyway, they're all quite direct and to the point.

Patience is required I think and if your DH was still living with her he would still be used as a cash point, such is the way of living with a teenager.

gordyslovesheep Tue 14-May-13 12:01:18

Maybe money is all she feels she can as from him

WileyRoadRunner Tue 14-May-13 12:02:19

aibu to think if she wants money she ought to see DH

Yes YABU ^ to put it like that. Supporting your child and helping her financially is not dependent on her behaving as you see fit.

BUT manners cost nothing and YANBU at all to be disappointed about the way in which she demands money.

Has your DH sent her an email saying how much you would love to have her in your lives! Or could your DH suggest spending some time together, just the two of them? I can imagine she feels "replaced" by your DD.

It sounds like a difficult situation - it could be an unresolved resentment causing this or it could just be plain p* ss taking by her.

titchy Tue 14-May-13 12:06:48

He needs to reply something along the lines of 'Hi dd - how about we spend the day together, just us two, shopping for [insert item requested] - I'll even buy you lunch! I've missed you - let me know when you're free.'

Goldmandra Tue 14-May-13 12:09:28

If the situation is as clear cut as you describe and she really has no justification for refusing to see him other than the existence of a half-sibling she is being rude and unreasonable.

I generally advocate cutting children some slack but she is going beyond that. I don't think he is doing her any favours by rewarding rudeness and blunt demands for money.

Could he offer to take her to buy the things she needs so she has to see him to get the money?

valiumredhead Tue 14-May-13 12:39:34

WHat titchy said and gordy too.

holidaysarenice Tue 14-May-13 13:06:36

Maybe at 16 its time to tell her that she gets X maintenance, and propose she discusses with her mother regarding it. I.e how it is split, maintenance is meant to cover clothes etc should a porportion be paid to her as an allowance for these things. Budgetting skills are useful.

Soon she will be off to uni and maintenance will have to go to her to pay her rent and living costs.

MoodyDidIt Tue 14-May-13 16:55:26

thanks for the replies

yeah thats a good idea re offering to take her to buy stuff. although the last item she has asked for is money to go to alton towers so not something he can take her to buy.

before that she has had an iPhone and a £200 prom dress, and DH has also paid for her and her friends to go to the prom in a fire engine

we are not exactly flush with money either, but if dh suggested any of these things came out of her mum's maintenance her mum would completely rip us to shreds. dh just wants SD in his life and doesn't want to rock the boat

Goldmandra Tue 14-May-13 17:15:18

dh just wants SD in his life and doesn't want to rock the boat

I can't think of any other situation where having a person who behaved like this in one's life would be considered desirable. Does he really feel that she and he are in each other's lives? It sounds to me like he's no more in her life than a cashpoint would be.

I don't think she's going to develop any respect for him while he's doling out cash in this way. Sometimes the more you give to someone, the more they feel entitled to take and the less they think of you for handing it over.

How, exactly, is her mum going to rip you to shreds?

I think your DH needs to put some boundaries in place and stop worrying about rocking the boat. This girl needs to learn to treat others with respect and she's clearly not going to be learning that from her mother.

MoodyDidIt Tue 14-May-13 17:27:32

This girl needs to learn to treat others with respect and she's clearly not going to be learning that from her mother

no she isn't, sadly. her mum is pretty vile, money grabbing, spiteful and materialistic and DH worries SD is turning out exactly like her sad

ll31 Tue 14-May-13 17:32:00

Otoh op, he married her so had good relationship with her once probably. Maybe she thinks poorly of him with good reason

AThingInYourLife Tue 14-May-13 17:40:15

"if your DH was still living with her he would still be used as a cash point, such is the way of living with a teenager."

If she was still living with him she wouldn't get to be rude to him and still ask for handouts for treats.

I had to well behaved and pleasant to get money for things like trips to Alton Towers.

And my Dad expected me to pay for my own "prom" dress.

I think you both might need to cut her some slack. New baby came along when she was 12, quite a vulnerable time for children, in her mind she may have thought she was being replaced.

I disagree! My DSD was almost 11 when my dd1 was born and she didn't react like that at all. She was very much involved and excited. She was the same at the age of 13 when dd2 was born.

I think from what you've said that her attitude has most probably come from her mother. It's possible she was a bit jealous when she found out you were having a baby, (completely understandable). And her mother has played on it to the point were she's stopped contact. Now at the age of 16 after her mother has been whispering in her ear for 4 years she's got to the point were she's probably very jealous and resentful. It's a shame, but I think if he wants any kind of respect or relationship with her he has to stop giving her money. her mother already gets maintenance, anything more and she should be having a relationship with her father, stepmother and younger sibling!

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 14-May-13 17:50:23

How is the mother money grabbing? Is it something obvious that the child is picking up on?

AmberLeaf Tue 14-May-13 17:54:17

Zombies it is also perfectly possible that it wasn't her Mums influence!

Some children in situations like these don't take a new sibling well for reasons relating to insecurity etc.

How does an 11 yr old with a good relationship with their Dad just just 'cut contact'?

I mean, how did your DH handle that at the time?

thebody Tue 14-May-13 17:54:28

So this girl who had already presumably been abandoned by her 'real dad' felt she was the one girl in your dh life. His girl. She's 12 just the age when girls need a strong make hero in their lives.

Then he splits up with her mother and starts a 'new family' a shiny new baby girl, his 'real daughter'.

Can you not understand how hurt, unhappy that might have made her. It might be that the ex shit stirred as well.

She is testing your dh to see if she can trust him.

Why would she put her heart on the line again??

Your dh needs to DO things with her, take her shopping, take her and maybe her mates for a pizza.

You sound lovely and I do hope this girl manages to trust the adults around her. ( not meant for you op or your dh as you sound like you are really trying)

But keep it up.

pigletmania Tue 14-May-13 17:55:48

Op your dh sounds lovely. Mabey he should try saying no like any other parent and suggest tey spend som time together. Go out for the day, for a meal etc.

cozietoesie Tue 14-May-13 18:02:36

I would treat this as if she was trying to start up a proper contact but doesn't know how to go about it as she's only 16. (Now that may not actually be the case but it would do no harm to act as if on that assumption and see how it works out.) As above - get DH to invite her out, shopping or something as a starter and let him see how she reacts during and after that.

loofet Tue 14-May-13 18:04:03

I'm with thebody and also piglet on this.

12 is an extremely delicate, confusing and vulnerable age. Her dad gets a new woman and baby, she feels replaced and shut out. I can totally sympathise with her. Also I think ALL teenagers are shut off and direct to the point, I know I was (well, I still am. I don't really do small talk). So I wouldn't be taking that as rude, that's pretty normal behaviour for a 16yo.

I was going to suggest what piglet did, why doesn't DH try to have one to one time with her? Sounds like that's what she's crying out for. I feel quite sorry for her actually.

Lj8893 Tue 14-May-13 18:05:19

Thebody, I think the daughter is his real daughter but of course the ops stepdaughter, and that's why she calls her dsd.

None the less, I absolutely agree that she needs to learn some respect, if she really despised you DH than she wouldn't want any money from him at all.

So perhaps this is her way of trying to make contact with him, although not done particularly well! I agree with other posters that your DH should suggest taking her shopping for xyz.

pigletmania Tue 14-May-13 18:07:13

Your dh should put his foot down with down with te demands of money or things and have her over, do things together just tem and some with the family

pigletmania Tue 14-May-13 18:08:34

No op says it's her dh SD

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