To think I shouldn't have to show my appreciation all the time

(46 Posts)
Mummabubbles Tue 14-May-13 09:51:56

Bit of background.........
I was self-employed, working from home, full time. Before becoming pregnant partner and I discussed financial issues and decided that if we were lucky enough to have a baby I would not work for a year so I could spend time with the baby (job would mean I would be at home with the baby but have very little time to give her time, attention and proper care) and he would support us all financially (he earns enough to be able to do this).
Anyway, baby is now here smile but already I am feeling awkward about asking for money. I only ask for money for essential things -car needing mot etc.- and partner does give me the money but he makes sure I 'show' appreciation!! And tells me and anyone who will listen how good he is to be giving me money. He even brought it up at a recent family gathering, listing almost to the penny how much money he has given me since our baby arrived!!
Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate his help but AIBU to think he shouldn't go on about it, making me show eternal gratitude and telling everyone how good he is to support me financially??

Jan49 Wed 15-May-13 15:20:53

Does he thank you and show appreciation for what you do in caring for the baby?

If I was at a family event and a man started talking like that about his partner who was SAHP, I'd think he was very odd. It makes it sounds like you're not a couple. Discussing all the details of your finances with other people is unusual too.

Hell no. Him acting like the big man in front of everyone and expecting you to be all obedient wife about money! The income is family income. He had better not be having fun and spending money and hobbies while you beg for money to MOT the car.

Put your foot down OP. If he won't provide enough money for you to buy what you need when you need, and without you having to report back, you might want to consider going back to work. Not to be rude, but if he's counting every penny (and letting your friends know this too) maybe you need the second income anyway?

Is it worth being home for a year if your self-esteem will be crushed to bits by the end of it? He shouldn't be able to reel off a list of what you've bought with 'his' money. If you both arranged for you to stay home it's family money.

Patosshades Tue 14-May-13 12:13:41

Agree totally with Dawndonna and Stuntgirl.

He's made you believe he's doing you a massive favour allowing you spend time with your child!!

What are the arrangements for childcare goingn to be when you resume work, are you going to have to pay or sort it all out? 1 year olds are no easier to work alongside in the house.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Tue 14-May-13 12:08:33

Has he said that he expects lots of thank yous and you being grateful?

What were the words he used to express that requirement, is what I'm wondering?

Did he say "I expect you to thank me when I give you money."

What did he say that has left you with the understanding that thanks and gratitude are required for access to the family money?

StuntGirl Tue 14-May-13 11:56:55

He's being a twat.

When you decided how to organise the logistics of family life with a baby why did you not set up a joint account straight away?

It's definitely sit down and serious chat time with him. Ask him why he's been keeping track of every penny he spent? Does he think you've kept track of every day of childcare, every nappy changed, every sleepless night, every load of laundry and every floor swept?

He's behaving like an intolerable idiot. Time for him to grow up or you'll need to have a long hard think about how you need to change your set up.

Dawndonna Tue 14-May-13 11:56:23

If he is mentioning this in public in an attempt to display his peacock feathers, he's an idiot. This is financial abuse, he has total control of you, your child and the relationship. I would be sitting him down and saying change it or else.

NatashaBee Tue 14-May-13 11:56:13

This is financial abuse. I would ask him to set up a joint account - his response to that might tell you whether he's just being a thoughtless twat and hasn't realised how ridiculous he's being, or if he's actually intentionally being abusive. Either way, I would make sure you don't close any doors with regards to work, in case things change and you need to go back. Are you still officially on maternity leave at the moment?

valiumredhead Tue 14-May-13 11:48:21

If he expects thank yous and expects you to be verbally grateful then you do have to do stuff for money OP.

pinkyredrose Tue 14-May-13 11:46:07

on himself not know

pinkyredrose Tue 14-May-13 11:45:07

That's financial abuse. You both contribute to the running of your house and the bringing up of your baby.

You should both have the same amount of leisure time and spare cash. Do you know how much he has to spend know himself? And why does he think you deserve no spending money?

It smacks of him thinking he earns and owns everything and is being v generous in 'giving' you money.

He's treating you like a servant.

HazleNutt Tue 14-May-13 11:44:21

OP and if he claims that well of course all the SAHMs would say that, they don't have to earn the money, easy for them to share - I'm a main earner in our family and make several times what DH makes. All our money is joint and I couldn't even imagine it any other way. That he would have to justify his expenses and I would tell everybody how much pocket money I gave him - ridiculous. We're a family.

Mummabubbles Tue 14-May-13 11:34:18

imtoohecsy probably sounds wrong for me to say I have to show appreciation, I don't have to do anything for money!! He just expects lots of thank yous and me generally being grateful iyswim.

valiumredhead Tue 14-May-13 11:29:08

You need to suggest a joint account first and watch his reaction - that will tell you everything.

Mummabubbles Tue 14-May-13 11:28:24

He does put money into my account that covers food and household bills but this has been worked out exactly so there is none left for me, I will have a stern talk tonight and show him this thread!
Now going to work out my bill for him! Thanks ladies I'm not normally so weak but baby hormones and all that grin

buildingmycorestrength Tue 14-May-13 11:11:15

Just FYI

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic_violence_topic.asp?section=0001000100220049&sectionTitle=Financial

valiumredhead Tue 14-May-13 10:49:16

And bill him Nanny over night nanny rates not childminder rates to really get the point across!

pictish Tue 14-May-13 10:49:02

The fact that he has kept track of what has been spent thus far, shows where his values lie.

HazleNutt Tue 14-May-13 10:42:48

YANBU. You are a family. As a family, you both need to a) take care of baby and home and b) earn money. You have decided that you will do A and he will do B. Therefore money earned is family money and you should have absolutely the same access to it than him. Get a joint account, asking your partner for pocket money and justifying every expense is ridiculous.

Would he think it's reasonable if you also listed - to the minute - the childcare and housework you provide "for him"? That he would have to ask you to change diapers, feed the baby and do dishes - the same way you are asking for money? Does he show enough appreciation that you do all that?

HalfBakedAlaska Tue 14-May-13 10:32:12

YADNBU.

There was an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond on recently (I'm on maternity leavesmile ) where the central character was saying this so the wife provided him with a bill for child care, housework, etc. Turned out he couldn't afford her. smile

Seriously, though, this is about respect, or his lack of it. You need to have a conversation about why he places so little value on the care of your child. He is not "doing you a favour" by supporting you financially.

LadyClariceCannockMonty Tue 14-May-13 10:30:35

He's not 'helping' or 'giving' you money. You're a family and a team and it's all of your money.

I agree with KellyElly. Show him the actual monetary worth of what you do. Then ask him to grow the fuck up.

ThingummyBob Tue 14-May-13 10:30:32

Bill him all the childcare hours to date.

Push the point enough to make him cough up.

If he won't then tell him you are returning to work full time and he will have to share childcare costs 50% with you, and do 50% of everything else.

If he still doesn't get it then you have a real problem going forwards and I'd have to sit and re-think my entire future.

Drastic, but then so is years of drip, drip, drip financial abuse in the end sad

exoticfruits Tue 14-May-13 10:28:07

He is being ridiculous - I would make sure that he should give you full appreciation for allowing him to work while you do his childcare for him.

I would give him a straight choice, a joint bank account for your money that you spend, as and when you need,without asking him OR you simply bill him for childcare, laundry, cooking, cleaning etc.

KellyElly Tue 14-May-13 10:25:30

You shouldn't have to ask for money, you should have access to 'family' money. He is financially controlling you and you need to put a stop to it. If he doesn't agree, find the going rate for a full time nursery and bill him each month for your 'job'.

valiumredhead Tue 14-May-13 10:25:24

You need a joint account asap, you shouldn't have to ask for money ffs!

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