To be upset that DP's mum will help look after DD?

(54 Posts)
OhThePlacesYoullGo Sun 12-May-13 22:40:30

I know I am not being rational and almost certainly pretty overemotional and hormonal. With my due date moving ever closer and having had a pretty rubbish time of things health wise (epilepsy) throughout my pregnancy, my DP's mother has offered to take two months leave off work to come stay with us and help once DD is born.

DP thinks it's a brilliant idea and doesn't really seem to get why I am in floods of tears over this. DP's mum is utterly lovely and his parents have been nothing but supportive and kind to us; they're not the problem. I guess I am just so sad that we will not be alone as a family with our first baby and that I will not get to do all the mummy things myself. Does that make sense?

I know realistically we need help, DP is studying and while he wants to do most of the nights, I will still need someone around during the day as it would not be safe for me to be alone with DD at the moment. It's just not how I thought things would be.

LimeLeaffLizard Sun 12-May-13 22:43:06

YANBU. It is ok to feel overwhelmed and emotional at this time. I hope you get some good support here but AIBU is sometimes rough. Are you on one of the antenatal threads? Have you a nice RL friend that you could invite for a cuppa and cry on her shoulder?

Tommy Sun 12-May-13 22:43:43

it is a good idea but why don't you leave it open and see how you go? 2 months is a long time and you probably won't need her for that long but if you do - you'll be glad of it.
Why don't you tell her not to take the time off until well after your due date? The first week or so are not when you need someone around IME

Gossipmonster Sun 12-May-13 22:44:22

I do understand how you feel but tbh you are really lucky that she can take two months off and help you - I would have no one.

squeakytoy Sun 12-May-13 22:44:36

I would bet most new mums would tell you that if you get on well with the woman, you dont know how lucky you are.

Set some basic ground rules... and you should be fine.

freemanbatch Sun 12-May-13 22:47:29

you need to have a good chat with her about how things are going to be and tell her that you accept that you need someone there because of your health but that it is important to you that you and your husband and child have time to bond together.

YANBU to be upset about it, everyone imagines how it will be in those first weeks as a new family and other people aren't in those imaginins all that much but if you know you need someone there your best bet is to talk to her a lot about it and make sure you are agreed as to what will happen and what her role will be and that you have your partners support.

Good luck and I'm sorry that you're struggling so much.

AnaisB Sun 12-May-13 22:48:48

Yanbu and sorry your pregnancy has been difficult. I second tommy - could you ask her to come after the first week?

Fleecyslippers Sun 12-May-13 22:52:56

She has had a baby herself - she will KNOW what it feels like to have a newborn and if she is lovely, she will be in the background making you cups of tea and quietly loading the washing machine whilst you enjoy your baby. I know it's no comfort at all if you are feeling vulnerable but i would have given my right arm to have have had someone lovely stay with me when I had my first baby.

And if she's only offered, you can still say no if you really, really don't want her to come.

Fairylea Sun 12-May-13 22:53:24

Two months is a very long time - could you shorten it?

Could you manage between you and your dp? If your epilepsy is managed well you might be able to cope between you. I have complex medical issues and have two dc and my dh and I have no one to look after the dc but ourselves. If it's making you this sad to think of someone else taking this time away from you maybe you need to rethink the idea of her coming to stay.

CornishYarg Sun 12-May-13 22:54:01

YANBU to be unsure about having her to stay at this stage, but YWBU to say you definitely won't want her help. DBro and SIL were adamant that they didn't want anyone to stay for the first month after DNiece was born so they could find their feet alone. Things were much harder than they expected, esp as the birth was bad so SIL was very weak, and they begged for both sets of grandparents to stay in turn!

Just keep your options open and see how you feel when your DC arrives and you know what sort of birth you've had.

starfishmummy Sun 12-May-13 22:54:22

I agree with others, assuming your dp will be with you for the first week, ask her to come after that. Then imo her help should be focussed on the general household stuff while you concentrate on looking after baby.

LemonsLimes Sun 12-May-13 23:14:47

Can your dp take a fortnight off so you can have family time to yourself for 2 weeks before she comes?

OhThePlacesYoullGo Sun 12-May-13 23:22:34

That's the problem. My epilepsy was controlled well prior to pregnancy, but for the past few months things have been pretty horrid. As I have several seizures a week at the moment, my specialist has advised that I need to feed DD on floor with cushions around me and someone within calling distance, have to change her on the floor, carry her in car seat, not bathe her and so on. Hopefully it'll all get back to how it was before after DD is born and they'll find a medication mix that works, but as things are DP's mum will effectively have to 'supervise' me. Which I can't even think about without starting to cry again. Ridiculous.

i'm sure if you talk to her about how you feel she will be fine.. she can 'supervise' from the sofa or a chair in the corner without directly interfering!

She is coming to help you so you can concentrate on looking after your new baby, not to look after the baby for you... and i'm sure if she is as lovely as you say, and you're honest with her, she will understand that and not step on your toes.

somedayma Sun 12-May-13 23:29:25

Oh sad

Discuss it with your DH and MIL first- establish that she should be there as ONLY someone to call out for if necessary. I'm sure if she's as lovely as you say, she'll be understanding of your need for her to be there only as 'insurance'. Make it clear you want to be as independent as possible.

Hopefully you will get your medication sorted ASAP after birth and won't need the full 2 months

btw.. with the bathing.. i have back problems and never got on with bathing dd in the bath or a baby bath.

I used to have a bowl of warm water and a flannel and sit on the floor with my babies laying on a towel and i would flannel wash them.. absolutely no risk of injuring them or myself!

Can you perhaps try that so that you can still bath your DD yourself?

raisah Sun 12-May-13 23:30:22

think of your own safety and that of your childs and accept the help thats been offered. My son was very ill at birth & after a long hospital stay he came home and am v grateful my mum was with me. It was tough looking after a sick baby and I was well so it will be even tougher with your medical history.

BoundandRebound Sun 12-May-13 23:38:16

Out your foor down and say no

What a nightmare

You need time to bond as a family and develop as a mother, you need to do this in private

BoundandRebound Sun 12-May-13 23:39:41

If you need help ask

I am surprised at anyone thinking this is a good idea when its upsetting you to think about it

Barbarashop Sun 12-May-13 23:47:32

Have you read the op's other posts Bound? smile

ladymariner Sun 12-May-13 23:53:18

Clearly she hasn't, barbara.......

Op, YANBU to want some time on your own as a family, but I'm sure if your mil is as lovely as you say she will understand this totally. It's really great of her to offer to come and help you, but I can see where you're coming from. Why not have a chat with her and tell her honestly, as you've told us, exactly how you feel so that she can reassure you. Like someone else said, I bet she'll be sorting out the washing, making the tea etc but remember she's not a mind reader, I think she'll appreciate the fact that you can be so honest with her xxxxx

Booyhoo Sun 12-May-13 23:54:01

in your shoes OP i would agree to her coming but i would make it clear upfront that she would not be coming to do feeds, nappies etc but to be an 'in emergency' person there. make sure her and DP know that she isn't there to look after the baby- she is there just incase you have a seizure and that she isn't to be taking over from you. let them know how important it is to you that you are teh one doing the baby stuff etc.

ladymariner Sun 12-May-13 23:55:22

Oh and the tears and emotions are totally normal. I can remember my mum showing me some beautiful knitted cardigans and coats that she'd got for my ds when I was 7 months pregnant and me sitting howling in tears because I didn't know the difference between them and how would I know when to put him in which.......

Good luck xxxx

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Sun 12-May-13 23:58:05

Two months is a very long time. Is that how long the doctors have said you need to have someone with you even if they get your medication stabilised quickly? I would be tempted to take it a week at a time - if you need another adult with you then your MIL is available. If not then she can go back home.

YANBU to be upset - this is not the start to family life you've imagined but if you need someone with you it is lovely that she's offered. I agree with others that you should ask MIL to help you out with other things around the house while you take the primary role with your new baby.

farewellfarewell Mon 13-May-13 00:00:09

I am feeling so sorry for you! I had a similar situation but for a longer amount of time than 2 months, lots of joking from friends about how lucky I was to have the help. I desperately wanted to be alone and independent. My mil was wonderful, generally she left me to babycare and she looked after meals/washing/housework. The simplest things made me upset-not being able to do ordinary things with my baby, not having the newborn time with my husband. TV in the evenings! Being permanently grateful...........Without her I don't know what I would have done. I know you are sad, it is a real shame. There is nothing you can do however and you have to try to look at things in another way, beautiful new baby who you are caring for with someone there who also loves baby and is there to help. It is so kind of your mil, I'm sure she will feel sensitive to your situation and is probably feeling very anxious about it (wouldn't most of us?), now that my firstborn is almost a teen it all seems so long ago. Imagine the stress and panic that you would feel if mil could not come and help? As it is you will have your gorgeous newborn and you won't need to worry about being ill and alone with baby. Try to relax and enjoy. I do have some lovely memories of that time with mil as we both admired baby!!!

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