to think friend's ex-husband isn't to blame in this instance?

(121 Posts)
enpointe Sun 12-May-13 14:12:35

My friend split up from her husband a year ago, and they have two pre-school children. I'm using the word 'friend' here for the sake of convenience: while on the one hand we haven't fallen out as such, her behaviour to me at a mutual friend's wedding was so appalling I am trying to distance myself from her.

The reasons the marriage broke down were quite complex but ultimately, the husband did have an affair with another woman, who he left my friend for. I don't condone this behaviour for a minute. However, it also has to be said that he had reason to be very unhappy in the marriage, mainly due to the housework and childcare (he did everything, despite the fact she was a sahm and he worked full time) and she has struggled with keeping the house safe and hygienic to the point where social services have been involved. A custody battle was started then, and he was given more access to their children (50-50)

Anyway things broke down to the point where they weren't being civil to one another as he was getting a lot of requests for the same amount of money he was paying to start with even though the children were with him less time. He started to get an increasing number of texts/voicemails just saying "ring me, urgent." He asked her not to do this because it made him panic but she carried on, so he has changed his phone no and asked for contact to be via the solicitor or through email only.

Is he BU? She thinks so.

mumandboys123 Sun 12-May-13 19:00:53

yes, you are gossiping. And probably gossiping about someone who's life has fallen apart in quite a spectacular way and who probably feels...rubbish right now. Even worse if you're not really a friend. If you're not really a friend, how could you possibly know the ins and outs of their relationship, what money he did/didn't throw at the 'problem', details of text messaging, messages left etc. etc. etc.

You are far too involved in something that clearly doesn't concern you and are taking an incredible amount of detailed interest in someone's life who you clearly don't care for at all. With 'friends' like you, who on earth needs enemies? !

Fleecyslippers Sun 12-May-13 19:15:02

Oh YANBU. She needs to pull herself together and move on for goodness sake. I mean it was probably her fault he left her in the first place cos she didn't give him enough blowjobs. And then the cheeky cow expected him to come home and do housework when he was all worn out from shagging his secretary ?
And as for a bit of PND - well of course its not a real illness. She really must blame herself and he and OW myst be allowed to live their new dream.lives unsullied by the reality of this screeching harpie and her pay per view brats. hmm

enpointe Sun 12-May-13 19:21:55

Mum - her life hasn't fallen apart hmm Her house is a tip, yes, but it's ALWAYS been a tip. She's got a new partner, in any case. I was a friend when all this was going on, but having money and expensive items belonging to my DD stolen sort of put an end to the friendship!

She hasn't got PND either, or even been diagnosed with depression. Of course, she could have it, but she might not. Some people are just messy, y'know.

enpointe Sun 12-May-13 19:25:14

But in any case, I've not said in any of my posts having an affair is OK. I do think it's reasonable for him to not accept calls from her - that's all.

McNewPants2013 Sun 12-May-13 19:25:52

I can't really believe that a marriage would fall apart solely on housework issues.

enpointe Sun 12-May-13 19:27:54

No, it didn't, you're right, it fell apart because they weren't working together, helping one another or supporting one another. Both were to blame, I am sure. I was horrified by how she lived, and I am no pearl-clutcher usually but no way was my DD going into that house. He was totally out of order having an affair. It's sad it's come to this really.

WafflyVersatile Sun 12-May-13 19:31:29

On the basis of what you say, I'm picking the husband's side.

I'm a bit confused at how defensive of this woman every one is being. If it was him texting all the time posters would be suggesting she report him for harassment. An exit affair does not give you a free pass to harass your ex.

LemonsLimes Sun 12-May-13 19:39:47

he had reason to be very unhappy in the marriage, mainly due to the housework and childcare (he did everything, despite the fact she was a sahm and he worked full time)

How did he do all the childcare if he was working full time?

scaevola Sun 12-May-13 19:43:54

Oh dear. Drip feeding.

AnyFucker Sun 12-May-13 19:45:52

For a person you only met once, you seem to have an uncanny insight into his actions and into his mind

enpointe Sun 12-May-13 19:46:09

Sorry, I didn't mean to.

I was meaning childcare as in baths, bed, getting them up and washed, stories, actual care smile

WafflyVersatile Sun 12-May-13 19:46:17

''It depends how clear he made it that she shouldn't use the 'ring me- urgent' thing unless it what actually urgent, and it depends how trivial the things were that she contacted him about and how frequently. If she was particularly over the top, then he may be justified, but it would take a hell of a lot for someone to want to be virtually uncontactable when the other person has their children.''

Cloud Surely it's common sense that one shouldn't use 'call me, urgent' unless it is urgent.

And yes it does take a lot for someone to want to be virtually uncontactable when the other person has their children, doesn't it.

WafflyVersatile Sun 12-May-13 19:47:45

As she only met him once then her info has come from the ex wife who has had all her chance to put her side, and yet the OP still doesn't think she's in the right...

So no actual care takes place during the day then with small children, then that's a new one on me.

And what AnyFucker said. For someone who only met him once you know a helluva lot about how his mind works.

enpointe Sun 12-May-13 19:50:46

Waffly, the info has come from the ex wife and I still think she's in the wrong.

Having spent some time in her company I immediately had a new sympathy for him. At first I thought he was a bastard. I still think he was wrong to have an affair but I now understand why he left. Stupid, maybe, but I have never known someone so self-involved and who thought such awful behaviour was acceptable.

enpointe Sun 12-May-13 19:52:43

I don't think care does take place when someone stays in bed/on the sofa and lets the kids rampage through the house tbh no

McNewPants2013 Sun 12-May-13 19:53:15

Op I don't see how you know the full story.

enpointe Sun 12-May-13 19:55:15

I don't think I do know the full story, you are right. But, at the same time, I've got enough insight into her behaviour to understand how it must have been a major contributor in the marriage breaking down - which doesn't excuse his behaviour or actions either, of course.

Have you ever lived with a man who is having an affair enpointe?

How would you know if she has had PND, assessments are not done that quickly, speaking as a CP SW. We don't fund nursery places for people capable of pulling themselves together and getting the house cleaned, nor do we facilitate parents not to parent. There is more going on with this woman than you know, the same can probably be said for what life was like "behind closed doors" for her. If the house was that bad then he would have had temporary residence, whilst it was sorted out. If it was acceptable to end your marriage, or have an affair because your partner did no housework, then every other woman would be going down that route. On the face of it, there has been very little love in the marriage, which would severely depress any New Mum. So he has left his children with his ex, who isn't coping and obviously has problems, but wants to only be contactable during office hours? Yes he is BU.

WafflyVersatile Sun 12-May-13 19:58:28

That's what I'm saying, sorry if it wasn't clear. When people have an argument and complain to a friend they tend to give them their 'reality' of the situation, emphasising the other person's bad behaviour and downplaying their own. And still with only her side of the story on the table this friend has not convinced the OP that she is the victim in all this.

Viviennemary Sun 12-May-13 20:01:15

I think this is one of those situations where you just have to leave your friend and her ex to sort out their issues themselves. From what you've written it sounds as if the husband is being reasonable. But whether this will go down well with your friend is another matter.

" I have enough insight into her behaviour to know that it contributed to the marriage breakdown". You said that she had always been messy? There is more than one child? In the words of Judge Judy, "he picked her to be the Mother of his children". Either way, he shares PR, if one of the children is rushed to hospital in the night, he needs to be contactable. By building up evidence of unstable behaviour, in the way of txt and phone calls, he can help SS to direct the correct help to the Mother of his children.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 12-May-13 20:05:13

Putting aside everything else apart from her contacting him then I think he is bu.

If someone is harassing you then there are legal steps you take to prevent it,not one of these steps in the case of both parents having decent contact with the child will stop genuine parental concerns being talked about directly.

He sounds like a child who cannot be arsed to deal with issues that do need dealing with and would rather just ignore.

What's wrong with having either a single email or mobile number that he agrees to check daily for urgent topics? That way if she really is harassing him he will have the proof to evidence it.

And if one parent really is that shockingly bad the other ( if they really are so much better)does not just get refused full residency unless they decide to either give up or don't really want it.

McNewPants2013 Sun 12-May-13 20:06:13

Speaking from a personal experience from friend who have been divorced, that for a long while after they truly believed it was all their fault.

It's only after many years later they actually seen that it wasn't all there fault.

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