To feel defriended cos I don't have biological kids?

(30 Posts)
Primadonnagirl Sun 12-May-13 10:25:33

I think my best friend is making it clear to me we no longer have anything in common because in her words I'm not a mum. Our partners have significant age gaps so I have grown up SDC s( who I've known since they we 9) whereas she has little ones. My Sdcs still have their mum but have lived with us at various times and over the difficult teenage years so they very much see me as a parent. I love them dearly but I don't feel like their mum because they have one already and of course I don't really know what being a mum feels like.
My problem is though since my friend gave birth she is in a whole new world..she socialises with "the other mums" and as such never invites me. When we meet up its always without her kids and I'm sure she enjoys a break but it means I never see them so feel increasingly out of touch. We don't live close by so that doesn't help.the one time recently I did go to a gathering at her house she worried I wouldn't have anything to talk about with "the mums" ..I'm sad I might be losing my closest friend but frankly I'm also thinking if that's how she wants to think of us mum v non- mum I'm not sure we will be friends for much longer anyway..can you please give me your honest opinions? Did you did this, perhaps unthinkingly , when you became parents?

Primadonnagirl Sun 12-May-13 14:51:38

Iwore That's it! That's exactly how I feel

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Sun 12-May-13 16:31:30

Fucks sake this is my nightmare. I have a 2 year old. None of my original friends have any kids. I've made plenty of mum friends and still massively value my original friends. Who i was friends with for more reasons than producing spawn around the same time. Shes probably just wrapped up in child world and will realise that your good company soon, regardless of spawn.

squiddle Sun 12-May-13 16:42:55

The nicest thing my oldest friend said to me when I had kids was 'I know that I won't see much of you for the next few years!' At the time I thought I would be out of touch for a few months at most but she was right. I love her dearly, see her most Christmas Days for a quick drink and am the first person she calls when in crisis. But we don't see each other more than a couple of times a year (we live in different cities) and I rarely call her as I just can't fit in long phone calls now.

My kids are 8 and 5 now, and I am starting to see old friends a little more often - it is still difficult though as I work fulltime, the kids have social lives to coordinate and frankly the only way to hang out with people easily is if they have kids that will play with mine while we chat.

WileyRoadRunner Sun 12-May-13 18:24:45

I also often presume my child free friends won't want to spend time being interrupted by my children, and I can not gossip talk "freely" in front of them either as it will be repeated.

Talk to your friend, don't think she wants to let the friendship go, I think it's a lot more to do with other factors and that you are being understandably sensitive.

Decoy Sun 12-May-13 18:42:20

I can understand why you're a bit upset by this. Yes of course it's nice to see people with children of a similar age, but that shouldn't be at the expense of your long-term friendships. It can certainly be very hurtful to people without their own biological children when "friends" start ignoring them as if they are second-class citizens.

However, in this case, maybe your friend is saying that she values you as a different type of friend and that's why she doesn't want to bundle you together with this other group?

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