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To still feel upset and a bit confused about this incident?(80 Posts)
Went out for a meal with some acquaintances the other night. Had a nice time and got to know one or two new people. Whilst I was talking to one woman, someone's Mum, in the middle of a conversation she said to me "You're a bitch!". I genuinely had/have no idea where that came from. I didn't want any confrontation and didn't respond at all. Later on, when she was saying goodbye to her daughter, I was right next to her and she said, very loudly "She's a bitch!". I still don't know what I might have said to offend and honestly don't think I said anything. This lady lives some way away but I live close to her daughter. I want to text the daughter to ask what I have done. I don't want to fall out with anyone but I have now been bothered about this for a few days, can't seem to let it go. I would really like to ask what I did and to explain that I think this woman perhaps misunderstood or misinterpreted something I said. I loathe the word bitch and am probably reacting more because of this word than if she had used another one. Please talk me through this!
Well, I did promise to return with an update! I managed to speak to my neighbour briefly this evening as I was giving her a lift, but only had a couple of moments as I was giving someone else a lift too! I asked if she had heard what the Mum and I were talking about and she said that she hadn't really been aware. She certainly didn't hear what the Mum said, as I thought. She was quite shocked but then we stopped discussing it as our other friend got in. So nothing else to say, really, except that I am not bothered about it any more. I was genuinely upset for a few days (pathetic, i know but it was a bit of a shock at the time) and asking for advice one here did help me get it into perspective. I haven't seen the neighbour whose birthday it was. Not sure if I would say anything now, I don't feel so bad about it, although I do feel pissed off that it spoiled my night and if I do tackle her it will make her feel bad. Have to see how I feel when I speak to her.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
It is really odd, please do update us though.
Sweetie, given how concerned you are and worked up trying to work out if you had done something wrong, albeit unknowingly.
My Thoughts are that she has a medical issue.
((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))) And give yourself a break.
If it was YOU, your friend would have said something to you
Is there anything else which sounds like "bitch"? Just asking because I know of someone who was very offended at being described as a "hussy" type, and the speaker had actually said "horsey"-type (based apparently on the idea that her trousers looked as though they might have been, but weren't, jodhpurs.)
Hahaha, it's definitely true!! Thanks ever so much for your thoughts. I don't want it to affect my relationship with the daughter, I don't know her well but we go out with our other neighbours every now and then for Sunday lucnh which is really nice. I will report back, even if I ask the daughter and she says "Well you are a bitch."
I think you need to ask her daughter. You could speculate till christmas and still be none the wiser.
Be fairly neutral about it, it shouldn't impact your relationship with her if you've no reason to come into contact with her mother that often.
Or...maybe, for example, she has had a scandolous heart breaking affair with a toy-boy and thought you were taking the piss. I think its something you have said, that has been totally misinterpreted by her
If she was ill in someway, surely the dd would have explained another day
If this is a true story, then it sounds like the lady has Tourette's Syndrome or dementia, and everyone was ignoring her because it is what she normally does. Perhaps they thought you knew. I would stop taking it to heart.
I can't really remember exactly what was being said. Something like she was travelling back home that night (an hour and a half's distance) and that's when I said it. It wasn't a serious offer just part of what I thought was a light-hearted conversation. Perhaps she did take offence but it seems huge offence for that. And to carry on later I think is just a bit weird. If she does have a problem I wonder why her daughter didn't say Oh, sorry about that, she gets a bit like it when she has had a drink or whatever. I don't know, I can't really clarify anything except from my own point of view. Daughter doesn't have a lot of spare room and anyway Mum was going on holiday the next day.
The second time she said it when we were back home I kind of pretended I hadn't heard and maybe the daughter hoped I hadn't? Anyway I think it could have turned nasty if I had challenged her, and I would have ended up being more upset than I am, possibly falling out with the daughter (everyone had had a few drinks, including me) and I would not want that.
Why would you offer someone to stay who you barely know?
Why wouldn't her daughter say she could stay with her if she lives next door to her. Maybe she thought you were stirring ?
My grandma does something similar, after suffering a minor stroke. We will be sitting quite happily chatting, then she will suddenly seem to slip back 10 years and can't understand who my DH or DS are and gets scared and aggressive to the point of swearing.
I think it sounds like a condition of some sort with her, and not a reflection on your personality!
I used to know someone who said a phrase (can't remember what it was now) just randomly in the moddle of a sentence.She had no control at all over it and was completely nornmal in every other way.I think this lady is the same.
Were you talking to her much during the evening, before the bitch outburst?
It's a possibility that she has taken great offence at your half hearted offer of her to stay and felt that you were "taking the piss". I can see how someone who doesn't know you, or is older could take offence by you making the offer, without meaning it, anyway, but withdrawing it if the possibility of a shag came along, IYSWIM. You should have asked her first time and sorted it out, tbh. Seeming as you know the daughter well enough to "relieve the babysitter", you should have sorted it out, there and then and could of done so without it turning into a confrontation. I don't think you should approach the daughter from the POV that her Mum may be unwell, she surely would be defensive, better to just say that you think her Mum has misinterpreted what you said.
I suppose dementia is a possibility and I don't know much about it but I have heard her Mum mentioned a few times and never that. She was flying off on holiday the next day and so if obviously able to function. If that were the case I would have thought that her daughter would have apologised and explained that she sometimes took against people for no apparentl reason. I will try to see the other people who may have heard (or who may give feedback on whether or not I had spent the evening being bitchy or not!) and see what they say.
Add message | Report | Message poster JesusInTheCabbageVan Sun 12-May-13 11:11:08
"My first thought was early onset alzheimer's or dementia. Someone the other day was describing his mum who was exactly the same - long periods of clarity interrupted by occasional WTF! moments."
That describes my gran very accurately- though thankfully she didn't know any bad language. But the same pattern of long periods of complete clarity followed by utter inconsequentiality.
If the daughter heard and did nothing, I would guess she was too embarrassed. She might be hoping you'll understand and shrug it off - because I agree this sounds exactly like a MH problem: dementia or Alzheimer's.
The really, really important question is:
Are you a bitch?
I presume you're not, so why ever are you worrying about it?
The only person who definitely heard it was the daughter, when she said it in the house. I am not sure if anyone else heard it, if anyone it would be the people sitting opposite and if I see them I will ask.
There is no way I misinterpreted the tone. It wasn't coupled with anything else either time - not She's a bitch she looks nice, or she's a bitch how does she stay so slim (the latter highly unlikely to be said by anyone!! She is probably late 50's I should think. I saw the daughter the day after, I was in the car and stopped and just thanked her for a nice evening. Didn't bring up the Mum thing. if I see my next-door neighbours today I will ask if they heard anything. They have met the Mum and might be able to confirm that she is a bit like that (Or say she is a lovely person!)
Is there any possibility you've misinterpreted the tone of it, it sounds very bizarre that someone would be that rude, without provocation and nobody even acknowledge it, maybe not say something but at least give you a look or gawp at the woman.
I mean bitch isn't considered that offensive by most people I don't think, I know one of my friends calls me this every time we eat out because I normally shovel down the food but am still slimmer than her, I guess to someone listening or someone who didn't realise she was joking it would seem a bit shocking.
I personally though of dementia,thats why I asked I she was elderly but I think it's so odd the daughter didn't react and at least apologise that maybe its something else.
Oops - just as well, because I wasn't, was I?
Daughter said/did nothing. The woman was talking to her that time, not to me. Yoni you are right not to care. I don't know this woman and I suppose I shouldn't care either - but not used to being called a twat!!
Early stage, not onset. Get me trying to sound like I know what I'm talking about
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