aibu to realize marriage isnt like a fairy tale?

(58 Posts)
littlediamond33 Sat 11-May-13 10:23:11

Iam 34 years old and have been brought up to believe that your husband should be a knight in shining armour, protecting you,looking after you etc etc. (my parents were happily married and had 'traditional' roles within that marriage for 40 years until my father passed away) while iam an 'independant' lady (i have my own career,bank account ,friends, interests etc!!) i feel that my husband who, i have to say is lovely and hard working just 'lets me get on with things' without being a 'strong alpha male' and backing me up.I am sorry this makes me sound like an imature nutter, but only got married last september and it isnt how i imagined!

littlediamond33 Sat 11-May-13 10:56:03

my parents were not 'acting out' some 1950s stepford marriage, they were married in the 1950s! (they had me and my sis v late in life.)

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sat 11-May-13 10:56:34

So, is this just a period of adjusting (in which case, both of you should be changing) or, as Cogito suggests, just him taking you for granted? It's not uncommon, it's a sort of "Now we're settled I can slob out on the sofa instead of trying to impress you by cooking dinner" and it's not nice.

How does dh react if you pick him up on behaviour you don't like?

Kafri Sat 11-May-13 10:58:21

I do agree with oldlady though - DH and I did argue more in year 1 of marriage than other either before the wedding or after the first year. I remember thinking after my wedding that I suddenly had so much time on my hand and no 'project' (planning the wedding) so felt a little like I had nothing to occupy myself. so i had a new bathroom fitted

IrritatingInfinity Sat 11-May-13 11:02:15

Did you agree with the advice given in the thread about the payday loan? I think you need to take a reality check sad

kotinka Sat 11-May-13 11:02:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marriage wasn't how I imagined it would be either. After 13 years it still isn't. If I lived my life again I wouldn't get married. YANBU to have gone into it with hopeful dreams and been disappointed, many do. YABU to want a knight in shining armour though.

As for expecting things to change when you get married, well they do. Ime men get complacent, and take their wives for granted. I can't think of one relationship where this hasn't happened. Works both ways though, women do the same. Probably explains why so many people are fed up with their partners and spend so much bitching about them on mumsnet to their friends.

MsJupiterJones Sat 11-May-13 11:18:17

Wow you must be so relieved!

Instead you can have a brilliant partnership where you can both support each other regardless of chromosomes, be each other's knight in shining armour in times of crisis and the rest of the time laugh, fight and enjoy life on an equal footing.

FarBetterNow Sat 11-May-13 11:18:45

Diamond: Looking at your previous thread your DH isn't quite so dear.
Why are you having a down day today?

Are you planning to have DCs with him?

Best wishes to you

mrsjay Sat 11-May-13 11:19:42

did you expect your husband to swoop in and save you or something what do you expect him to do I am baffled women expect men to be some sort of prince charming and waft about saving the day being all manly confused

DolomitesDonkey Sat 11-May-13 11:20:12

YABU to put an exclamation mark after declaring you have your own bank account as though you're a feminist icon. confused

Mumsyblouse Sat 11-May-13 11:23:08

If you read the OP's other thread, her husband is far from a prince among men, sadly, and so perhaps this was phrased in an odd way, but I agree reposting in Relationships and giving examples of the real issues in your relationship would be helpful- here you are just going to get slated for your reference to a prince on a white charger, whereas actually you are using that to express something much more difficult about your marriage.

cory Sat 11-May-13 12:39:46

Marriage is definitely not like a fairy tale nor should it be. The fairytales you should particularly watch out for with a view to avoiding are:

the frog prince: uncouth and demanding male (read it carefully, it's not just his looks!) is magically transformed by love

Sleeping Beauty- female with no previous life, experience, views of her own is brought to life to experience all this through love alone

the Disney version of the Beauty and the Beast: scary and controlling male is magically transformed by love

That just ain't going to happen.

When I come across a fairytale which features two adult partners being mutually supportive and bearing each other's burdens, I shall change my views. Because that in my honest and experienced opinion is what marriage should be like.

Goldenbear Sat 11-May-13 12:48:04

I'm not married but have been with my DP for 9 years and we have two DC- 6 and 2. If we got married now I would imagine everything would be the same as it is in our unmarried set up and that is not a fairy tale so a wedding is not going to suddenly alter that. I actually do understand what you're getting at but I think as someone else pointed out it might be that you feel you're lacking support from your DH especially if you're providing it for him.

In all honesty I am attracted to the kind of personality that is driven, ambitious, protective as I think these personality traits suit parenthood better which is the stage I am at in my life. I have the same outlook as my DP in that sense so it is not about being weak and pathetic. When I was in my early 20's I lived with someone who was the opposite to this, he was a poet and thoughtful/obsessive about his work but had none of the above attributes and I always felt like he just didn't care. I had a really traumatic experience when I was 25 and his reaction was frankly pathetic, there was no strength of character that I felt I could rely upon to help me through the situation. I know that my DP's response would have been totally different in a good way.

SirBoobAlot Sat 11-May-13 12:50:58

I remember your previous thread. Your husband isn't just lacking in princely qualities, he's a totally arsehole.

StuntGirl Sat 11-May-13 12:54:22

You are so beyond naive it's a bit unreal. I don't really know how to respond to your strange view of the world. Were you just 'acting' independent til you got a husband to 'take care' of you? Why? What do you want rescuing from?

Fairylea Sat 11-May-13 12:55:59

I'm with sir boob.

BalloonSlayer Sat 11-May-13 13:00:07

I love the way you think that having your own bank account makes you an "independent lady."

Do you think some women have their salaries paid straight to Jimmy Choos or something to save them having to bother with all that Independent Feminist Ballbreakery shit like having to put their own card in a machine at the shoe shop and remember four numbers?

hmm

Fairylea Sat 11-May-13 13:07:56

I have a joint bank account. I'm a sahm. Dh and I share all our money equally and we have equal spending money. I used to earn a lot more than him and we have been through periods where I supported him when he was out of work for a year. Now we have a baby son and I am at home and it's the other way round.

Having your own bank account has nothing to do with equality or success in making a marriage work.

You should both be each other's best friends and "knights in shining amour", both looking out for each other. There's not a lot of that going on for you right now.

It took me one failed marriage and two failed long term relationships to find my much loved dh. Never settle.

DolomitesDonkey Sat 11-May-13 13:14:53

Balloon Wow! What kind of a Greenham-common-lentil-weaving-lesbian are you? My husband chooses my clothes & shoes for me. <powders nose>

PleasePudding Sat 11-May-13 13:18:00

Well OP if your husband is an arse who doesn't make you happy then think long and hard about what you want. Can he change if you point these things out to him - if so build a wonderful, mutually supportive marriage together, if not then consider the value of your happiness in your one and only life.

I am married, mainly happily but for the past six weeks it gas been a grind - it goes like that. every anniversary is a marker not only of happiness and love but hard bloody work, Tongue biting and trying to stop tears.

If you are going through all of that, putting someone's needs to at least equal with yours, giving support, not counting the costs or holding grudges and accepting that you too can be a total pain in the arse to live with too - and none of that is coming back tot you then leave, live and be free to love someone better because working hard at a sad marriage is a depressing sort of achievement for achievement's sake.

There is a long way from knight in shining armour to normal. There is a much longer way from normal to 'makes you go into debt to pay for safety equipment'.

This man wouldn't help you buy glasses you need to drive. You got a payday loan. He is a wanker. He doesn't need to be Prince Charming, he needs to be a decent human being. He is not.

ArtemisatBrauron Sat 11-May-13 16:51:00

Just read the other thread - your husband sounds dreadful. My husband would never let me take out a pay ay loan to buy something necessary like glasses. If I were you I'd be considering my options - relate/marriage counselling etc.
Marriage should be an equal partnership and what you are describing (esp. in other thread) isn't that your DH is not a fairy tale prince, he is not behaving as a husband should at all.

thebody Sat 11-May-13 17:12:51

Op, you need a life partner you can trust, depend on, have a bloody good laugh with and to be your best friend, advocate,support and lover.

This is mutual.

If you haven't got this then you may need a rethink.

ParadiseChick Sat 11-May-13 17:21:13

My marriage is like a fairy tale <climbs 18ft of mattresses to get to bed>

BalloonSlayer Sat 11-May-13 17:49:37

Well mine sort of is but DH still hasn't done anything about the corpse of the dragon he slew in order to rescue me and win my heart. It's starting to stink now. He says clearing up is MY job. hmm

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