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AIBU - I am starting to seriously dislike my Dad.

(54 Posts)
radicalradish Sat 11-May-13 07:48:05

Trying to summarise...My mum died a long time ago. Within 2 days one of the women from their bowls was coming around with cottage pies. Within 2 weeks my dad was getting togged up and wearing aftershave and going on dates. At the time we were very upset about my DM dying as it was really sudden and found it difficult to deal with this. Anyway, along the way I hid my feelings about this other woman. TBH she is really not very nice and it is not only me who thinks so. My Aunt used to come over to see if we were OK and get a bit of a shock when new woman was sat there on our couch. In the end she stopped coming (mum was her sister) and they slagged my aunt off no end for this. I adore my aunt and she has always been there for me. Over the years new woman has been quite nasty to me and my brothers wife. She has basically pushed us out and my Dad spends 99% of his time with her and her 4 grown up kids and their offspring. I went to stay with him a few months ago with my 3 children and she brought her GC over and they basically told my GC that he is their granddad and wouldn't let them near him. Ons sat on his lap and refused to move.

Anyway OW face booked me and I felt I had no option but to add her in. When I looked on her page there are photos of my Dad, her family and things that they do together e.g. holidays (where I knew he was going, didn't realise that her 2 kids and 5 GC's were going too), days out etc. I felt that it was a person I don't even know. We used to be a really tight knit family with a lovely mum and dad and 2 siblings. Going on holidays and days out. Now it couldn't be any further from that. I feel like she stole my Dad and he went along with it. When I go to see him, he goes round to her place or brings her GC over and I end up on the phone to my DH saying I'm not coming again, it was a waste of time. When I invite him over he brings her (they are not married) and they stay 1 night (as she clearly doesn't want to be there, but dad says she won't let him go alone). Either way I am usually in tears.

My DH says she is awful and I am not being a spoiled brat throwing my toys out of the pram.

I am starting to think that my Dad is actually a pile of crap. I look at my DH's parents and see that they would rather cut off their own head than upset their kids and I feel like shit. I am beginning to think that perhaps I should just let them get on with it and make no more effort as I usually end up in tears.

Livinglavidafoca Sat 11-May-13 21:32:30

Welcome to the world of the stepmother. I am afraid I can't help you, but my brother went through the same and we both now live in different cities away from our father and stepmother. Lucky her, she got my mother's house.

radicalradish Sun 12-May-13 09:10:05

Thank you for the kind responses. I think the reason I am posting this is because I feel at a cross roads and feel that I am in a bit of a toxic circle. This has/ is causing me a lot of pain and I am trying to decide what to do about it.
In answer to some of your Q's:
No, they are not married, nor live together. If they were married/ cohabiting I think I'd have to accept her as a StepM. If they haven't made that commitment, I don't see why I always have to have her there too. FYI she stays with her family often without my Dad.
My DM died when Iw as still living at home, late teens. I met my DH after. I left home at 18, largely due to this situation.
Over the years I've tried to convince myself that I am immature and throwing my toys out of the pram because my Dad has a new woman in his life. However, everyone I know dislikes her and my siblings and their partners, rational, educated, open minded people despise her. My SIL, a mature, reasonable woman is regularly in tears over her behaviour according to my brother. I myself have adopted the shut one eye philosophy over the years only to come to the conclusion that I am SICK and TIRED of being the pacifist. I think calling her the OW was a freudian slip. However, I think that my feelings for her are probably very similar to what a wife would feel about an OW.
There are lots of small things that I have made excuses for over the past and now I look at them and consider myself a fool. We have a big family with nieces and nephews in their 20's. My siblings regularly invite him over and he doesn't go. They are 10 mins away. We are 1.5 hours. For example, for a few years after my DM died we carried on our tradition of going to Dad's on Xmas day. All of us, even with small kids, my DB's brought them over. After a few years he said that he was going to GF's son's for Xmas and has done so ever since. Now we all spend Xmas at home and go give him the presents.

Finally I don't think my DF is dependent on her. In fact I think it is the other way round. In fact when I have had them here or been in his house he cooks all her meals whilst she sits on her arse. He will be in the kitchen making her tea and toast and running round like a headless chicken. That's another thing. In all the time I have know her she has never ever sent me or my kids a birthday/ christmas card or present, never ever cooked a meal or made me a cup of tea, never ever offered to hold a baby or help a little and never washed a dish in my house whilst staying there. She doesn't touch my kids, but my DF is a Granddad to theirs.

Obviously I need therapy! There is a lot of bitterness here!!!!

radicalradish Sun 12-May-13 09:16:13

One more thing. Sorry!
I have talked to my Dad a few times about this. In fact last year I did open my heart to him and tell him, sorry I just don't like her. I told him that I want to see him on my own sometimes. One of the things my Dad says to me is not to discuss personal things in front of her as she tells everyone so when he comes over I cannot tell him about my life and what we are doing or discuss any problems. When I spoke to him he did say he wanted to spend time with me alone, however the next time he came visit, it was same old same old. Apparently my kids are spoilt, they never shut up and they get on her nerves. So she says. Other people say my kids are lovely shock

HollyBerryBush Sun 12-May-13 09:22:58

I see where you are coming from. You were only 18, and with the best will in the world, in mourning for your mother and it is a bit of a shock to the system when another woman pitches up. I wasn't emotionally prepared for it at 28.

The tone was probably set back when you were 18. It will be very difficult to alter the family dynamic now and make a friend of her.

Perhaps your Dad just likes having someone to look after. If she knows you resent her, and you have told your Dad this, then things are never going to defrost.

Female relationships are peculiar, what you tolerate from one, you wouldn't from another. Some women give off the vibe that their kitchen is their domain - you'd let your mother/sister/best mate into it - but not another woman. I certainly wouldn't be offering to make a cup of tea in the house of someone I knew resented me simply because I would treading on their territory.

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