To be fucking angry at dh spying on me?

(26 Posts)
StickEmWithThePointyEnd Thu 09-May-13 23:04:46

I posted recently about being upset as its my mums birthday tomorrow and its the first one since she died.

Dh has been a knob all week, having a go at me for not doing enough housework and then staying ins mood long after the argument. So I have just avoided speaking to him because I don't want an argument.

Tonight all was going well, nice conversation when he asked if I wanted him to call in sick on my behalf tomorrow. I asked why I would want him to do that (as I know he doesn't haw a clue when my mums birthday is) an he said that he thought I'd be upset.

He only knows this because he has been reading my mumsnet posts, well specifically that one. He knows my username and password and I leave myself logged in bbecause he has no interest in mumsnet. I told him I didn't like being spied on but apparently it was "freely available information " so it doesn't matter how he found out. I say it does matter as he could have just asked me what was wrong but he was too busy having a ducking go at me for not picking up a dirty sock.

So now while I was doing well to goth, I'm now wide awake, anxious angry and upset and the bastard has come to bed t the same time as me, which he never does, so I can't even fume quietly on my own until I manage to fall asleep because he is here fucking annoying me just by being in the same room as me. I didn't want to ring I sick to leeks. I wanted to get on with it and move on bit now I'm more of a mess than before .

And I don't care of he sea this either ad he doesn't think I should be upset about him reading my posts. I never hi my passwords because I trusted him not to snoop! If I had a diary would he think it ok to read that too?

CatelynStark Thu 09-May-13 23:08:03

My ex husband used to do this to me - stalk me on forums and hack into my emails etc. it destroyed any respect I had for him. I'm sorry your DH has done this - it's just shit.

CatelynStark Thu 09-May-13 23:08:30

And I hope that tomorrow isn't too painful for you.

TheCunnyFunt Thu 09-May-13 23:09:33

I'm really sorry about your mum, that must be very difficult for you. But in the nicest possible way, yabu. MN isn't private by any means, it's a public forum, anyone can read anything posted here.

Nagoo Thu 09-May-13 23:11:00

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

I'm a bit torn on this one.

I'm going to piss you off now, and say, best case scenario, you left the page open, he had a half-hearted kind of look, saw that you were upset, and used that information in the best way he knew how to help you?

I leave my MN open, and I do expect that DH has had the odd look. In fact sometimes he says things and I think hmm definitely he's had a look.

He's spoken to me about how he feels I am getting a level of friendship and intimacy from people on the internet that I am not giving/ getting from him. He wants me to talk to him.

Possibly yours is feeling isolated from you and wants to re-connect?

Or maybe he's an arse. I dunno blush

SlatternismyMiddlename Thu 09-May-13 23:12:57

All the best for tomorrow.

oscarwilde Thu 09-May-13 23:13:03

Firstly, let me say I am really sorry about your mum. Mine is ill and I am not looking forward to being where you are now.

Apologies but your post is difficult to follow. I think yabu.
You don't hide your username or password
You post in a public forum, it's not a diary.
You are pissed off that he has taken advantage of both these facts to establish that you are upset and to offer to stay at home with you.

Yabu and you should tell him to grow up and just put the sock in the laundry basket.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Thu 09-May-13 23:17:51

Sorry for the typos, angry iPhone typing makes autocorrect go bonkers.

With my level head on I know he could see what I've written at any time and I never say anything I wouldn't want him to see. It's the going behind my back instead of just asking that has pissed me off most. That and the fact that I'm angry and upset anyway at the moment. I feel like he should have known it would annoy me. I want some sympathy from him rather than blaming me because he feels he has to spy on me!

CloudsAndTrees Thu 09-May-13 23:19:20

If you have left your posts open and easy to access for him, YABU. It may be understandable that yabu because of the way you are feeling just now, but it's not as if he went way out of his way to snoop on you.

You are having difficulty understanding each other at the moment, and he read something, possibly thinking it might help if he condo understand where you were coming from better. Then he offered to do what he thought you wanted. I don't think he's done anything that bad really.

mrsdinklage Thu 09-May-13 23:35:16

stickemwiththepointyend (love your name)
I Know how hard tomorrow - and all those first occasions without your mum are.
My dh sadly too - doesn't ask - when that is what you want and need more than anything.
On my late dm's birthday - I do things that remind me of her - and I think of very happy memories of her. I always raise a wine and smile and cry.
Tomorrow will be awful.
I will think of you and I wil raise a wine to you and you dm and think of mine thanks x

AmberLeaf Thu 09-May-13 23:44:51

Think I agree with nagoo.

It does also depend a bit on how he usually is.

ChippingInLovesSunshine Thu 09-May-13 23:53:00

<Big Hug>

It was a shit thing for him to do - we use 'user names' for a reason, if we wanted people IRL to know who we were, we'd use our real names. He should have more respect for you than to do what he has done, which - as you say - is spy/snoop. The way he has done it, is exactly like reading your diary. Dirty & low.

The 'firsts' are all really really hard - it's a horrible thing to go through, you need love & support, not him being a prat. I'm sorry he's not giving you what you need.

...and tell him to just pick the sock up and grow the fuck up.

StuntGirl Fri 10-May-13 00:14:19

1. Your mum only died 6 months ago. It will still be so, so raw. He can stop being such an insensitive prick and realise you're still grieving and help make life better for you, not harder.

2. If he wants to know how you are feeling he'd bloody well do better by talking to you instead of getting his info second and third hand.

3. While public forums are indeed public, there is a certain degree of anonymity to them. If one posts on a forum asking a question and looking for support and advice, there's usually a reason they have done so anonymously. He should have known better than to read your posts online.

4. If he did read your posts (and you did after all leave the window open so he came across it innocently rather that seeking it out) then there are about a thousand more tactful ways he could have raised his concern.

Pointy's husband - since you're probably reading this too now you know her user name - stop being a petulant child and support your wife during this incredibly, unbelievably difficult time in her life. None of this is about you buddy and you'd damn well better realise that and buck your ideas up. What kind of husband can't see the pain and suffering his wife is going through? Or what kind of husband can see that and chooses to ignore it in favour of berating her over housework? Pull yourself together and give your wife the support she needs to grieve and get better. Prat.

lottiegarbanzo Fri 10-May-13 00:28:37

YANBU, we post anonymously for a reason (well a few) but viewing your posts as private and unconnected to your real life is one of them. You weren't talking to him and if he wanted you to, he could have started a conversation, asked how you were, even asked what you'd been posting about recently.

I think it is exactly the same as reading your diary, then blaming you because you didn't hide it well enough.

AThingInYourLife Fri 10-May-13 00:47:13

YANBU

I agree with lottie and Chipping.

Just because you can earwig on something not meant for you doesn't mean you should.

Wowserz129 Fri 10-May-13 07:50:39

I agree with Stuntgirl.

He should be able to identify your hurt and pain IRL and not through a website forum. Maybe he should stop making it all about him and offer you RL support. Lastly, you are not a maid so tell him to pick up his own socks!

DaemonPantalaemon Fri 10-May-13 07:59:43

He should indeed be able to identify her hurt in real life. But has she spoken to him about it, or has she simply been ignoring him because she is angry about the socks?

This seems like an attempt to be nice, but the OP is too angry to see it. Also, from her posts, she doesn't seem to like him very much, so maybe there is more to this.

Either way, I am very sorry about your mom.

Hercy Fri 10-May-13 08:11:37

I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt re reading your posts. Could you honestly say that if you went to use the computer and he'd left it on a page where he'd been posting that you wouldn't read it? Honestly?

It's entirely different if he's actively seeking out your posts, emails, texts etc. but I think I think that most people, when faced with something like this in front of their face without looking for it, would find it too hard to ignore.

I've seen posts on here advising women how to download software to recover their partners deleted text messages. Not saying you would, but I think some of the posters here probably have double standards.

And you said in you post that you weren't talking to him last night, so perhaps he felt it hard to broach talking to you about what was wrong.

I'm just playing devils advocate really. And I'm not trying to detract from the difficult time you're going through.

I would say that life is too short for arguments like this and I would place emphasis on the fact that as soon as he realised what the problem was, he offered ways to help, rather than focus on the fact he read your posts.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Fri 10-May-13 08:14:18

With Hercy on this one

MorphandChas Fri 10-May-13 13:13:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Branleuse Fri 10-May-13 13:17:11

I think if its at the stage where you cant talk to your dh about being upset at your mums birthday then maybe he IS actually wondering if there is something wrong and trying to work out what it is?
sounds to me like he actually made a nice gesture

LimitedEditionLady Fri 10-May-13 15:01:26

I agree with hercy cos id read oh if he left it open but i dont look at his accounts or phone ever but if it was there i think i would.

chansondumatin Fri 10-May-13 18:08:42

I'd be more hacked off about the housework jibes tbh.

Pigsmummy Fri 10-May-13 21:54:29

Hercy speaks wise words. He did try to help x

Pigsmummy Fri 10-May-13 21:55:45

If you want him around tomorrow then do agree to his suggestion. I hope tomorrow goes well x

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