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To still struggle with trust 7mths after DH's emotional affair

(103 Posts)
printmeanicephoto Thu 09-May-13 12:45:37

7mths ago I found out about DH's emotional affair (+ kissing). He ended affair which had been going on for 1 mth and said he wanted our marriage to work. We have been married nearly 20 years and have 2 kids in primary school.

I have a sneaky suspicion he's just staying with me for the kids and out of duty. We are also christians and are v. involved in our church. We have been taught from birth by christian parents that divorce is only really an option in exceptional circumstances. It would also send big ripples through our church family (although I know people would try to help and support us).

Am still struggling to trust although I know affair is over. Still feel heartbroken and a few times a week I still have a cry. Should I be over it by now?

printmeanicephoto Thu 09-May-13 18:56:48

Hadn't thought about it like that - that he's still having an emotional affair if he's still pining but no longer has contact with her.

I think what I'd like is some attempt at a sorry gesture - to make me really believe he means it. Like a written note, a gift, a break away just the two of us, renewal of wedding vows or the engagement ring he never bought me 20 years ago. Or something.

TroublesomeEx Thu 09-May-13 19:09:08

Hi

FWIW, I found out my husband was having an affair 7 months ago. He insists to this day that it was only an 'emotional' affair until after I found out and kicked him out. But anyway. I did so because I knew that months down the line what you are feeling is exactly how I'd be feeling.

Instead, 7 months on and I'm doing brilliantly. I have friends, a social life and, most importantly, peace. I don't care who he's pining for or seeing or thinking about.

I'm not going to tell anyone else what to do, but splitting up isn't the worst thing in the world. And I know that you're reading this thinking "it's alright for you, but I..." and I thought exactly the same. But I deserved better than what he was offering me and so do you.

everlong Thu 09-May-13 19:14:10

I'm sorry. This must be hell.
But you know what I couldn't carry on being married to someone that had done that and then needed therapy because of his pining.

Hard to know what to say to you, he's broke your trust and hurt you.
Do you want to stay with that kind man, is that what you deserve?

SirBoobAlot Thu 09-May-13 19:18:50

This affair isn't over. He's seeing a therapist because he misses her so much?

Darling... You're worth more than that.

sendingtheclowns Thu 09-May-13 19:26:53

I'll go against the grain here and say I think you're being a bit hard on yourself and on your husband, depending on how far his emotional affair went.

It's quite natural and it does happen that someone can fall for someone who isn't their partner - it's inevitable - but he didn't go ahead and sleep with her, and he has chosen you

everlong Thu 09-May-13 19:29:01

Big woopy doo.

He chose his wife over a woman he'd had an EA and kissed. He lied and cheated then can't get over her!

sendingtheclowns Thu 09-May-13 19:33:21

Yup... he chose his wife - that has to count for something. I take the view that at some level, emotional affairs are inevitable (depending on how we define them) in a marriage

AnyFucker Thu 09-May-13 19:35:03

Why are you clinging on to a marriage that "wasn't great even before his affair" Personally, I couldn't stand to see his pining, snivelling face over the cornflakes every morning

How do you manage it ? confused

everlong Thu 09-May-13 19:36:47

Men stay for various reasons. Their dc are probably quite high up as one of the reasons, disruption to the family/home, finance, logistics, shame.

Not just because he chose his wife.
Sorry OP I think you deserve more than he's given you and what he continues to give you.

sendingtheclowns Thu 09-May-13 19:42:49

Well, then the OP should leave him if she's unhappy with the marriage and feels it's over

AnyFucker Thu 09-May-13 19:49:31

Clowns, lots of women stay because of the influence of society....much of which is reflected in your comments on this thread

The most healthy way to view this man is as the sniveling inadequate he is

StuntGirl Thu 09-May-13 19:51:52

I wouldn't accept this 'pining'. Bloody hell, what is he, a lovesick teenager? It's either over with the other woman and he's 100% committed and dedicated to his wife and family, and seeks counselling to help with that (not to discuss 'the ex'), or he's not.

And if he's not then you need to decide how that makes you feel and what you want to do. Can you live with him every day forever knowing he's still in love with some woman who won't have him (and what does that say about him as well)? How will your relationship function with this new power balance, with both of you knowing he views you as second best?

I think you need to confide in someone you trust in the church as well as some friends. Don't worry about what people think; he needs to be held publicly accountable for what he's done and you need support to get through this, whichever path you choose.

printmeanicephoto Thu 09-May-13 19:53:14

I guess I just hoped it was for life ... like everyone I guess. People stay together mainly in my circle - I just don't know if I know him anymore.

everlong Thu 09-May-13 19:53:43

To me he may as well as slept with her.
Pining for someone is almost worst.

Xales Thu 09-May-13 20:00:51

He spent a month having an EA and 7 months pining. And poor little him is in therapy because he is missing someone he had an EA with for a month.

All the time while you sit there like a good little wife dealing with all the shit.

Where is your therapy for the pain and heartache you have gone through. Where is all the care, tenderness and understanding for you.

He is as selfish now as when he gave himself permission to do this.

Unless you get to the bottom of that, he gives himself a kick up the arse and sorts himself out and invests in your and your marriage rather than poor him you will still be stuck like this.

7 months. Over half a year wasted on this pathetic excuse for a husband.

What is your cut off point where you start to put yourself first?

Mindyourownbusiness Thu 09-May-13 20:05:00

Personally, I couldn't stand to see his pining, snivelling face over the cornflakes every morning

I know this is no laughing matter but...

AF You have such a way with words, grin

AnyFucker Thu 09-May-13 20:27:14

I am right though, MYOB sad

Mindyourownbusiness Thu 09-May-13 20:39:59

Oh yes definitely l agree. Sadly you are right, but still a great turn of phrase.

Jestrin Thu 09-May-13 20:40:30

I would be worried about the therapy tbh, to me he is keeping the affair alive by talking about he is missing her. Sorry sad

printmeanicephoto Thu 09-May-13 20:49:59

I have had some therapy too over all this. We are also having couples therapy too with same therapist. It helps to a degree.

I just feel he's not sorry enough. Or if he is he's not telling me about it.

AnyFucker Thu 09-May-13 20:53:33

All this therapy and he still doesn't get it ?

He doesn't want to, love. That is the bottom line.

sendingtheclowns Thu 09-May-13 21:07:25

I'm not trying to start a bun fight, just present a different point of view, but how do we know he doesn't want to get over this other woman. For all we know, he might desperately want to get over her.

It's really really common in a marriage to fall for someone else, to flirt - yes he took it too far when he kissed her but it physically stopped there. I think it' a little unreasonable to assume that in a marriage no one will ever get a crush on someone outside the marriage. From the little we know, that's what happened here - however, he is going for counselling, and therapy. What more can we expect the husband to do?- he can't control his feelings

ChasedByBees Thu 09-May-13 21:11:01

The therapy post EA would put the nail in the coffin for me. As others as said this is self indulgent and so dismissive of you and your feelings. Actually it's downright cruel.

I know you've said people stay together in your circle, but you don't have to. You're not the one that has broken your relationship.

everlong Thu 09-May-13 21:11:13

No clowns, being married is not about having crushes on people and then needing therapy to get over it.

The OP is well within her rights to finish this marriage.

sendingtheclowns Thu 09-May-13 21:14:26

Of course she's well within rights to - she can end the marriage whenever she wants, but what happened has happened, is really common and it may well be outside the control of the husband. The OP and her husband may want to save the marriage.

I'm just not quite sure what the husband here should be doing

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