To find my MIL so obnoxious

[Nora2012]

This is possibly more of a rant as a means of therapy, but I'd like to know if I'm the only person who found their relationship with the MIL changed dramatically as soon as my daughter was born.
DD is now five months old and I'm living every second of parenthood, except the in-laws are like having a sword hanging over my head which could drop (in) at anytime. They live only a mile or so away and despite repeatedly asking them not to they just turn up unannounced. In the seven years we lived her per-baby I could count on one hand the amount of times they've popped round, but now they even let themselves in and wait for us or drive round the estate looking for us if we're out on a dog walk. When they do come in the expect tea making for them and then leave me the washing up. But this is the least of my worries, the MIL just has nothing nice to say. She is constantly commenting on what I'm doing wrong with my baby, dressing her incorrectly, not putting her nappy on right, I'm being "too educational" by going to baby classes she hasn't hot time to be a baby, teaching her baby sign means she won't learn to talk, taking her swimming will ruin her skin etc. At about a month old we had to take DD to hospital to have sons tests as she lost weight and all MIL could say was "I told you you weren't feeding her enough". I was breast feeding every two hours 24 hours a day but still felt guilty, as mums do, so I don't need anyone else telling me it's my fault. She has no respect for me, and if I ask her not to do something she says "I have raised two children of my own you know". I had to introduce house rules, which I would have thought were just common sense; no hot drinks near the baby, no sweating, no smoking near her and wash your hands after a cigarette. But she just ignores my wishes, I have to constant remind her and I just get tutted at.
She snatches the baby as soon as she walks in the door which I originally said no to, but she still took he'd anyway, so this had twice resulted in practically wrestling the baby. If she's on the play mat or in her chair she'll just take her out, I have to physically block her. But if DD cries she doesn't know how to deal with her, she shouted "shut up, no one wants to hear you" and "I'll make you disappear". I'd like to make her disappear!
Two more points and I'll stop... She insults my baby, chanting "gurney gob" at her when she was crying and also saying "urgh, you've got a spotty face" which was then followed by "that's your mums fault for talking you swimming". I can't stand the thought that she might have a negative impact on my baby's self confidence. Her children both have confident issues and I now see why!
Finally, this isn't supposed to sound materialistic, but they haven't bought her a single thing. She's their first grandchild and she's recived

[Nora2012]

....that should finish off with, nothing! Please give me some words of wisdom to cope.

[squeakytoy]

" no sweating "

thats a bit harsh isnt it?

[Nanny0gg]

Change your locks, don't give her a key and don't answer the door.

What does your DH say?

[NeoMaxiZoomDweebie]

Don't engage in ANY conversation with MIL about DD. I had to learn this...my MIL constantly engaged me about DD and would then talk anxiously for HOURS about her development.

I just stopped discussing her...so MIL would come round and make a comment or ask a question...I would feign being busy or just change the subject.

I only discuss incidentals with her now...like "DD drew you this picture..here you are!"

If she says anything about DDs diet, clothing, toileting, education or social life I just avoid it.

I leave the room if she persists "Just getting the laundry!"

[NeoMaxiZoomDweebie]

Just read the baby wrestling bit...my MIL also wouldn't hand DD back...I just grabbed her...BUT...I don't see what's wrong with MIL pocking the baby up from her chair when she arrives...it is her grandchild after all.

[BuggerLumpsAnnoyed]

What nanny ogg said

[LookingForwardToMarch]

Easy

Kick her out, if she refuses to leave threaten to call the police.

It does work. MIL is meek as a little mouse now on the occassion I let her in

[yaimee]

My thoughts too squeaky

[pictish]

So what has dh to say about all this?

[WandaDoff]

Sweating or Swearing?

[thistlelicker]

As
Soon as she walks in make arrangements to go out. Your husband needs to tell her to behave

[LookingForwardToMarch]

Must be swearing

The mind boggles at how you would enforce no swearing rule

[Nora2012]

Sorry, the sweating should be swearing! I'm not that controlling. DH agrees largely and tries to fend them off as much as possible but I think it's difficult cause she's quite a forceful woman for him to stick up to. I do understand its her granddaughter and she obviously wants cuddles but she wants it on her terms. If DD is happy playing on the mat and she lifts her off all that happen is DD will start crying then MIL will tell me what a winging baby I have and no ones happy. If she'd let me hand her over at an appropriate moment wouldn't everyone be much more happy and relaxed?

[burberryqueen]

take the key off her and do as thistlelicker says.

[Nora2012]

Certainly see your point Neo that sounds like good advice. Thank you.

[mameulah]

I feel your pain.

You sound lovely.

Unfortunately you are going to have to be a bitch about this.

I could not bear the popping round thing.

Do what you need to do.

[UnrequitedSkink]

Was she not like this (overbearing, patronising) before your DD was born then?

[KC225]

You really have to make a stand, You may have to be the bad guy and say it but at least get your husband to stand with you when you do say it. They need to see that you are both united on this. Get the key back for a start, Say you feel uncomfortable with them letting themselves in as you could be changing or getting out of the shower, think it's an intruder etc. If they say they won't do it, tell them you will have to get the locks changed and that means you will have less money to spend on you DD. I think the not entering into conversations about DD is good advice. Can you give them some set times to visit ie twice a week on arranged days when your husband is around. Are there any other siblings that could help your cause?

[whatamardarse]

Oh lord I'm dreading this!! I'm over due and all ready had dramas about mil being present when I'm in labour, inviting her 12 year old grandson too! Over my dead body! DH is under strict instructions not to tell her!

I've taken to locking the door as she was 'just popping' in constantly (seeing if I had hone in labour!)
My mil is a bully and has terrorised her other dil with her other grand kids so I know I'm going to have to go in to battle and be the bad guy when baby comes. I'm actually going to take to my bed to breast feed every time she comes round!

Well done on the sign and swimming !! I can't wait to start them!! Get all mamma bear crazy on her !

[OpheliasWeepingWillow]

Get your key back!!!

[Damash12]

Oh poor you, this sings exactly like how my mother was when ds1 was born. It's a bloody nightmare. She was even at my house on the day I came home from hospital and it resulted in a huge fall out.
Good luck with this one but like many posts have said you may have to get tough and tell her to f@@" off oops maybe not quite as blunt but you get the gist, oh and I think it's down to your other half to man up and tell her to do one... All easier said than done I know but the only way to keep your sanity!! Congratulations on your baby by the way and don't let her stop you loving every second.

[claremp7]

I could have wrote this about my MIL except she won't come and see us! She visits her other gd a lot further away but won't come to us.
She's constantly putting me down as a mother. We can't always go there as I don't drive and public transport would take about two hours for a ten minute car journey and my OH works away.
I've got no family down here so would quite like to have some contact with her!
In her defence she's been used to controlling everything and I think she's finding it hard to relinquish that.

[Thumbwitch]

1. Get your key back.
   
2. Set times for visiting, lock the door from the inside every other time they feel like "just popping round" and don't answer the door.
   
3. Get your DH to grow a backbone and stand up to his mum (and dad)
   
4. Keep going re. the smoking and washing hands thing - swearing, not so much at this point in time but they might as well get used to it now as they'll have to turn it down when your DD gets older.
   

Apart from that, you will have to let her handle your DD, but she HAS to learn to respect your wishes a little more.

I can't bear people being rude to babies and telling them to shut up - FGS!! So unnecessary. But that doesn't mean she'll necessarily carry it on - if she does, however, you can say you won't be allowing DD to see them because you don't want her to pick up all these bad behaviours.

I feel for you - you live, basically, far too close to them and need to move at least half an hour away.
I live 15 minutes from my MIL and that's just about right, but even so she still pops in randomly far more than I'm happy with - she's a lovely woman but she really gets on my tits, and I have troubles with the "coming in and swooping on the baby" thing too, but I just bite my lip and let her have her cuddle. Mind you, Ds2 doesn't cry when she picks him up more's the pity sometimes or I'd be more stroppy about it.

[TheRealFellatio]

I agree with her about the baby signing - I think it sounds like new-fanlged, money-spinning pointless load old tosh, and re-inventing the wheel. why on earth do babies need to learn to sign - assuming they are not deaf mutes? However, she is wrong to say it out loud - she should stick to thinking it privately. It's a bit of harmless fun and if it keeps you happy....

Many of the other things I think YADNBU. Constantly turning up unannounced is just not on, and undermining your choices (re: the smoking etc) and making passive aggressive comments about feeding and how you spend your day with your DD is none of her business.

but some of the other things I think you are becoming a bit hyper-sensitive about. Does it really matter if her grandma picks her up from her mat, or whatever, assuming you haven't just tried to put her down for a sleep? And the little comments about 'gurney face' are only good natured jokes, not cruel digs.

but you've become so incensed by the big things that you can't be rational about the small unimportant things. You definitely need to establish some boundaries, and get your DH on side.

[TheRealFellatio]

Sorry, meant to say establish some boundaries in oder to have a bit of space from them for a while, before you end up exploding over something silly, which will make you look like a bit of a loon - which would be unfair under the circumstances.