to ask how do you do it?

(295 Posts)
catgirl1976 Wed 08-May-13 06:59:55

DS wakes at 5am - 5:30am every day.

Then I have to go to work all day, then come home, feed him, play with him, bath him, put him to bed, tidy the house, do laundry, finish off some work, eat, get ready for work, maintain some semblance of a beauty regmine (and mean finding time to wash my hair or shave my legs, nothing intricate) and try to have some quality time with DH.

DS is amazing. He's worth every 5am start, but I am so tired today and have a busy day ahead. I do get a lie in on Sundays but it feels so far away today!

How do you cope with it? Any top tips?

Coffee is my good friend, but I'm considering swapping sweeteners for speed.

HazleNutt Sat 11-May-13 18:36:51

i will be getting up with ds m,t,w,t,f,s. dh will have relaxing child free days m, t and thurs. i will be at work all week. i was up m.t.w.t with ds this week
and yet he feels hard done too because i wont give up my lie in day tomorrow just because he had to get up on fri when i was away

And what did he reply when you pointed this out? How could he justify that what he asked is in any way fair?

ImperialBlether Sat 11-May-13 18:36:57

So, he's selfish, he's lazy and he's entitled. You do all of the work. He has whole days when he is alone and he still does nothing. You pay for a cleaner - what exactly is he doing while the cleaner's there?

He cooks dinner - big deal - everyone knows it's the cleaning up that's a pain when you're cooking. Cooking itself is never the problem if you have a household elf clearing away. And that's you, isn't it? And by then it's 10 pm and you're ready for bed but you stay up and watch a film with him because he's not tired, because, let's face it, on the days your child goes to nursery, your partner goes back to bed, doesn't he?

OP, you know what? You are mad. Absolutely bloody mad.

scottishmummy Sat 11-May-13 18:38:59

cat you want to offload,get mn reassurance but you're defensive about dh
neither of you is making significant changes
this wont change

catgirl1976 Sat 11-May-13 18:40:05

i know sad

sorry

I don't want to get to the point where I feel like I can't post on MN. I get a lot of support and advice from it, even if I am not always able to implement it

scottishmummy Sat 11-May-13 18:41:50

cat,you don't owe anyone on mn an apology.you do owe it to self to change this
it's horribly apparent the burden if all this is upon you
but you seem stuck,that's all. I do wish you well

ImperialBlether Sat 11-May-13 18:46:14

What sort of life would you like to be living? Are you happy in your job? Would you prefer to work part time or to be a SAHM?

When did he last work? What did he do? Could he return to it?

Can I ask whether he smokes weed?

GoodtoBetter Sat 11-May-13 18:50:46

Nothing will ever change. Going to the doctor won't help because he's not depressed, he's just a lazy cunt. I know you don't want to hear it, but that's the long and short of it. We can listen all you like but unless you do something(like boot his lazy arse out) nothing will ever change. Ever. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? What is sooooo special about him? And don't say "I love him"..how can you love someone who treats you with such utter contempt and disdain?

GoodtoBetter Sat 11-May-13 18:51:31

Sorry that was really harsh. I just feel so fucking angry on your behalf.

Exhaustipated Sat 11-May-13 19:01:09

OP, if you really look within and ask yourself 'what will change this?' what answer do you get? Do you think going to the GP will make all the difference?

Are you at the point now where you see that things absolutely must change, urgently?

Also (sorry for all the questions) what did he say when you pointed out the lie in situation? What have you agreed?

LadyBeagleEyes Sat 11-May-13 19:04:18

I know you need MN to come and vent Cat, and hopefully there'll always be someone to listen to you.
Did he ever pull his weight in your relationship?
I think we're all struggling to understand why such a strong, intelligent poster will put up with being treated like this.
Have you considered a trial separation?

catgirl1976 Sat 11-May-13 19:08:48

He used to be very different

Losing his job was the trigger for this (3?) years ago - now he is in such a rut he can't see it

I am getting my lie in tomorrow, we agreed that but I can tell he thinks I am being unfair

How do I want my life to be?

I want to be with someone who enjoys life. Someone who says 'let's do this today or lets go here' not who has to be dragged to do anything. Someone who comes to bed at a reasonable time. Someone who has interests and friends. Some one who has some zest and spark and wants to do things and go places. I want some spontaneity. I'd like to work pt. I'd like how hard I work to result in us being comfortable financially, which we would be if DH worked. I'd like me time without having to juggle it or feel guilty. I'd like someone who surprised me and did thoughtful things. I'd like DH to be that person. And he used to be.

Exhaustipated Sat 11-May-13 19:17:52

Oh catgirl, that's really poignant. Of course you want that. sad

Could you show that (or say that) to your DH? Maybe it would spur him on to get help and sort his life out.

catgirl1976 Sat 11-May-13 19:29:35

Actually exhausted I thought I might write him a letter along those lines...maybe to give to him or give to him at counseling. Maybe it would get through to him,

MexicanHouseThief Sat 11-May-13 19:40:52

Write out what you've written above, give it to him along with your assurance that he will be moving out unless he seeks and implements help within x period.

OR just carry on flogging this dead, stinking horse and flogging yourself into the ground along with it. It's your life..but you'll never get it back.

catgirl, all those things you want -- you totally deserve them

I don't know why you would want to go through life without them, rather than stand up to a man who's treating you so badly.

I understand you hope to get back to a place where he can be a good man.

But it's been 3 years

He needs a massive kick in the arse and you need to stop looking at every tiny promise as progress.

It's entirely possible that what you're seeing now is the real him. All those good times, all those nice things he used to do -- it sounds like you guys used to experience life as a big party (from your previous threads) -- and hey, good for you! but you know, it's easy to be a nice guy at a party. It's easy to drink and party and have fun and be a good guy.

I'm really struggling to imagine that someone is a good guy and loves you AND is willing to treat you like crap for 3 years. Even if he is depressed, he would be hating himself for what he's doing, not justifying it.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 11-May-13 21:09:39

He used to be that person, but that was before you had DS and a responsibility to do more than have fun together. He has never stepped up since you two have been parents.

Cat I so feel for you, you are clearly a good mum and work hard for your family. You deserve a husband who keeps his end of the bargain, who doesn't expect you to do all the grind while he only contributes occasionally.

I don't know what else to say. You know the truth of your own situation better than any of us on here. Only you will know what it will take for you to reach breaking point with him and tell him to shape up or fuck off - and really mean it.

scottishmummy Sat 11-May-13 21:28:03

you both take small steps to his recovery.must see the gp to access service and referrals
3working days already passed,you're still as tired,its all v stuck
depression is treatable illness.alcohol dependence is treatable too

jellyandcake Sun 12-May-13 07:03:07

Hope you're enjoying your well-deserved lie-in!

Hey catgirl please don't feel you will one day have to stop posting,there will always be someone to listen on here, one day this will be sorted,one way or another.

hope you had a good lay in,and are ready to come down on DH to go to the frigging GP, he must start to change before you pay the price.

Thurlow Mon 13-May-13 12:48:23

Hope you enjoyed your lay-in? Great news that he as agreed to call the GP.

Don't feel like you have to stop posting. Maybe it's time to start a new thread in Relationships about this? I'm sure there are plenty of posters here who have been through the depression of one party, and counselling, and all these things, who could give you some practical advice on how to take this one step at a time. Staying on an AIBU thread means people posting without reading the whole thread and seeing how it's moved on.

If you want to try and make this work, MN are here to help.

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