To say no to their request to visit so soon after the birth?

(52 Posts)
chocolatesolveseverything Tue 07-May-13 23:50:39

Feeling stressed about this so (gulp) hoping that the collective wisdom of AIBU can help...

I'm due to give birth to our first child on 27th July. None of my family live nearby and they rarely visit so I was surprised to get an email from my brother (who lives in the USA) yesterday suggesting that he and my sister (who lives in the UK) would like to visit for a week, starting on 14th August. It would be the first time either of them have stayed in our new house which we bought a year ago, and obviously, they'd like to meet the baby.

DH is not naturally a sociable guy and finds having houseguests very stressful at any time, but he's totally freaked by the idea of people coming for a week so soon after the birth (which given our collective family histories, could easily be a couple of weeks late) and thinks it's extremely presumptive of them to suggest it like this. He insists that he doesn't have a problem with them visiting, but it would have to be in later weeks. For myself, I feel a bit uncomfortable about the idea too. On one hand it might be helpful to have other experienced parents around to offer advice, etc. But I guess I don't see enough of them throughout the rest of the year to feel that having them around the entire week would be completely relaxing. I would feel I had to play hostess to some extent IYSWIM.

But I know that they both have family and work commitments and pushing things into a later time may not be possible for them, particularly for my brother who is so far away. I'm genuinely touched that they want to visit, and don't want to cause offense by saying 'no'. Them staying in a hotel is not going to be an option on cost grounds as it'll be the height of the tourist season here.

I get on fine with my siblings, but we've never been very close, largely because they're both over 10 years older than me. I think I could probably explain my feelings to my sister and she'd understand, but my brother might not. I already sent them both a message pointing out that if I was late and had a difficult birth, I might only just be out of hospital by the 14th and he responded with a 'Well you can't plan for the worst all the time. Babies are unpredictable. That's life. We'd manage.'

Are me and DH being silly getting wound up about this or would others see it as a totally normal thing for families to do? Any tips on how to suggest that it's not a good time without coming across as stand-offish?

If it's relevent, our mother died some years ago and we have different fathers so there is no parental involvement to this.

Thank you!

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 09-May-13 12:17:54

That's a good update.

I think it's incredibly rude to impose on anyone after they've just had a baby, unless you're there to do the housework and generally help.

My Mum and inlaws visited after we had DS but stayled in hotels. I felt like I'd been hit by a bus after giving birth. It's hard enough trying to establish feeding and get used to the exhaustion, plus you need time to bond, without having to play host too.

Yes people want to meet the baby but how the new parents, Mum especially, feel takes priority.

chillynose Thu 09-May-13 12:58:58

Yanbu shock
Dhs parents live up north came to see new dds a month after they were born i found this bad enough

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