To really not want to move? Advice and possibly stern talking to needed

(52 Posts)
Lambzig Tue 07-May-13 14:29:18

I have lived in London for all my adult life. DH and I live in SW London with two DCs in a small two bedroom house.

Since DC2 was born, we have been very squashed in this house, we cannot afford a bigger house in the area or anywhere near. I now work part time (full time wouldnt help much due to double childcare costs) and we cant afford to extend the house. We have some debt which we are struggling with too. Schools are also really overcrowded and not the best, and we might struggle to get DC 1 in anywhere near us in a couple of years. Also DH is just sick of where we live, the traffic, the noise and hates the commute into central London which he does for work most days.

DH has an option to work from a different office in a city still in the south. I didn't like that city to live in as its expensive again, but there is a nice location nearby which would give DH a short commute, but is still relatively quick into London (35 mins) for my job, we can afford a much bigger house and pay off our debt without increasing the mortgage (have seen one we love) so less money worries, the schools are fabulous, naice shops, lots for the kids to do, it seems a nice community and DH is really excited.

We just got an offer on our house and I am in floods of tears. I don't want to leave here and I am so worried we are making a mistake as there will be no going back as we be going for a slightly cheaper house than our current one.

On the other hand, I don't know why I am hanging on to london. I only have one friend in the area as they have moved out, one of my closest friends is going to be much nearer and I very, very rarely go to central London for anything but work since the kids were born. I think I need to face up to the reality that I can't afford to live in London anymore.

Has anyone else moved out and either loved it or hated it? Should we just stay here and squash the children or am I being ridiculous? Do I need to get a grip and do what is best for the whole family.

DIYapprentice Wed 08-May-13 09:44:35

We moved out of London nearly 5 years ago now. DS1 was born in London, DS2 was born here. We are a commute out of London - about 45 mins by train. But we picked a very rural spot. Yes, if we want to go somewhere we need to drive a lot.

But we have found a lovely house in a small rural village, the DSs go to an infant school and nursery in the village. It's taken some time, but I've made some good friends here. Moving with young children is perhaps when you will find it the easiest to make friends, as you will be meeting a lot of other mums at nursery and school runs.

DH has now joined the local cricket team for Sunday afternoon games, we attend the local church, and really feel a part of the community. And I LOVE my trips into London to work now!!! smile

The DSs have so much fun playing in our large garden, exploring our local woodlands, we see deer in our garden (not so nice when they eat our veg!!) and have lots of sheep nearby. We even have newts in our pond!

There is no way any of us would have this in London.

flipflump Wed 08-May-13 09:10:57

We moved out last year and it's the best thing we have ever done! I thought I'd miss my old life, our house, the shops, bright lights of the city, how wrong was I?!

We've made more friends in 6 months than I'd made in 12 years in London. We have everything we need here, ok, Harvey Nic's and Selfridges aren't accessible these days, but we can all live without them.

We now enjoy the simple things, country walks, cycling, gardening, having a local where people know your name. We have been back to London once since we left, having thought we'd visit often to get our London fix. I now find the tubes hot and exhausting and people are less friendly (I'd have defended Londoners to the death whilst living there)

You have to think about what London gives you that no where else can - do you use museums and galleries often? Do you eat in lots of different restaurants? Are the shops exclusive? Do you visit all the big attractions? Like I said, thought we'd miss it and now realise how wrong we were. We will of course take our children to visit and it's always there if we feel the urge but life doesn't revolve around London.

ivanapoo Wed 08-May-13 08:34:54

You know, visiting London is (I think) better than living there.

You make more of an effort to see/do all the great things on offer, and see friends.

You (can) save a LOT of money IMO.

I live in a city 1.5 hours by train from London now. When I lived in the SW London burbs it took me longer than that to see my sister, who lived north and not near a tube stop.

Kasterborous Wed 08-May-13 00:23:05

We had to move in January due to DH work which meant selling the house we had lived in for seven years and leaving an area I loved. I was heartbroken. But we went back end of April to visit our friend and popped into our old house. I thought it would make me miserable about the home we had left behind but it didn't at all. Our home is where we live now. It sounds like you are moving for all the right reasons, do it and don't look back.

Finola1step Tue 07-May-13 23:04:47

We did the big move out nearly two years ago. First six months were tough and we were in a rental for a while. But, we now have our lovely house on the very road that I really wanted (and thought we would never be able to afford). DS goes to a fab school and we should get DD in for Reception later on. Lots of lovely new friends. Great things to do outdoors esp in Spring and Summer. Fab garden. And I even love going to the local country fairs and shows!!

All this from a born and bred Londoner who had lived in central London all her life. I thought I would never settle elsewhere but it's the best decision we ever made. This is despite being very attached to our london house which was meant to be our forever home and where I gave birth.

magimedi Tue 07-May-13 23:00:22

I really have lost the plot, haven't I?

NO!!

You have just listened to lots of people & come to your own decision.*

(*Helped by wonderful Mn all over the place).

Get the to bed & have some rest!

Lambzig Tue 07-May-13 22:57:39

Yes, weirdly I found myself feeling defensive against and arguing in my head with people who were saying stay in London.

This is despite crying for an hour about leaving earlier.

I really have lost the plot, haven't I?

Mums net is so helpful as DH did indeed roll his eyes at me over this.

magimedi Tue 07-May-13 22:51:06

Feeling a lot more positive this evening,

HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life can be a bit of a bugger at times...........

So pleaed you are feeling a bit better.

Lambzig Tue 07-May-13 22:20:09

This is definitely not London suburbs and definitely away from London. I agree that suburbs wasnt for us.

Feeling a lot more positive this evening, your comments for and against have really helped.

happyyonisleepyyoni Tue 07-May-13 20:28:17

What does doing it properly mean though. On TV property shows , leaving London seems to mean you have to move 400 miles away! We live in a small market (commuter) town with a lovely community. There are fields backing onto our house but We are 5 mins walk from a mainline station and can be in central London in 40 minutes. Ofsted outstanding schools and nice coffee shops, pubs, parks, loads of local groups. Lots of people here have "moved out" from London when they've had their first DC.

Cakecrumbsinmybra Tue 07-May-13 19:55:39

I agree with getting out of the burbs. We felt that if we were going to do it, we should do it "properly".

kerala Tue 07-May-13 19:23:00

If you are going to move out of London I would move right out - the outer suburb thing looks unappealing to me. I felt like you did, we were relatively central and I loved the buzz of the City and didnt really want to go. But... the area had dodgy bits, the schools were crowded, neighbours were drug dealers and it took so long to get everywhere it just got exhausting.

We moved to a smaller, pretty city in the south west and we LOVE it. It is way way easier than London life is so much more pleasant. Lots going on culturally but we can walk/cycle to it rather than 20 min bus ride (and we were quite central in London). Met much more friendly interesting people here and now have a good strong group of pals all with kids the same age which we didnt have in London as our old friends lived all over town and it took at least an hour to get anywhere. We are in walking distance now. I am so pleased we made the move. Still go back to visit friends but not that often to be honest as so much going on here.

RenterNomad Tue 07-May-13 19:00:24

I wish we hadn't moved out of London (zone 3, walking distance of zone 2). I really dislike the sprawl of the "burbs", which means we I do a lot more driving, and DC2 is growing up walking a lot less. DC1's old friends are still where they were and both he and I are having a hard time, breaking into social networks, mostly, again, because the "sprawl" means people don't "pop" casually to the park and know they'll see someone they know (though we were spoiled with our local park, which really was excellent).

Sorry to be negative and moany, but it's not helpful to listen exclusively to good news: if it does go wrong for you, you might feel a real failure because "everyone else manages/d it".

I don't think that, by the way. Moving is hard, especially at the stage you describe. I would have done a lot better, had I been working, as you say you are: keep hold of work, as it will ease your trandition! smile

Cakecrumbsinmybra Tue 07-May-13 18:40:24

We moved out 5 years ago and it has been the best thing ever. We have moved to a particularly amazing part of the UK, but tbh, all my friends who've left London are all really happy with the move, wherever they've moved to. DH still commutes there and we can visit friends sometimes (however, his commute is very long - but that's a downside we decided on). We lived in a really nice part of London, but I've never regretted leaving. And a house, is just that - you will make lovely memories wherever you go, as long as you're all happy and together.

MistyB Tue 07-May-13 18:33:41

I know this is going against the grain but moving takes a huge amount of energy and is a big upheaval.

Do you usually find your gut feelings to be right?

Can you write down all of the reasons to go and the reasons to stay as well as the down sides of both?

Can you try and put youself in a positive frame of mind about moving for a few days and talk the positive points through with your DH?

If at the end of all of that, you still feel sick at the thought of moving, then I think you need to see if there is another solution.

I have moved a lot and each time have been positive about all the reasons it is a good move. If everyone is not happy then the bad times can be really rubbish. I really think you have to be positive about a move to make it work. We considered a move where we couldn't really see the positives outweighing the negatives and despite trying hard to be really positive about it, in the end decided against it and felt huge relief.

Good luck!!

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Tue 07-May-13 18:18:33

Mmm, I can guess which town it might be. Train commute adds up. hmm

Well, I think it a lovely area, there is beautiful countryside and easy access to everything. I would move with no hesitation. I must admit to never feeling sentimental about houses. I even happily moved out of a fairly new and beautiful house we built for ourselves. It's only bricks and mortar or wood and chipboard if its timber frame

It may take you a while to feel settled but you will get there in the end. It's much easier to feel part of a community when you have little kids.

Good luck.

(Ps YABU but its understandable smile )

Vakant Tue 07-May-13 18:16:09

We moved out of London to a small town still within commuting distance of the city when I was pregnant with our first child. We don't regret it. Bigger and more affordable house, family orientated area with great schools. It was the right choice for us as a family but I do miss London and if we won the lottery I'd move back. But where we are now is right for now, we will possibly move back to the city once the kids have finished school though!

Lambzig Tue 07-May-13 18:08:40

Oh thank goodness some really positive stories about moving out. Thank you so much for all your replies and sympathy, I am feeling a little better now. DH just rolls his eyes at me, so really good to get some other views.
Glass of wine and deep breath now I think.

Wishiwasanheiress Tue 07-May-13 17:59:20

London won't explode. It will still be there. Your memories go with u too.

Reread ur post. And MOVE! Good luck smile

gindrinker Tue 07-May-13 17:42:32

Not being in London doesn't exclude you from London.
I'm about 90 mins door to door from Oxford Street (live 70 miles away) my friends live in the greater London boundary and it takes them as long to get there.
Trains run to my town until about midnight.
You can have fun in London and not be in the M25.

apatchylass Tue 07-May-13 16:48:04

If the commute to London really is only 35 mins then you can return to your old neighbourhood easily and friends can come out to visit you.

Fear of the new can put you off making a change you need. the way you describe the new place makes it sound ideal. You could all be much happier with more space to spread out, great schools not to worry about and your DH happier.

You'll not only survive, you'll probably love it within six months of settling in.

Apparentlychilled Tue 07-May-13 16:39:01

We moved from London pre-DC and though I was sad leaving (and was sad after we moved till we had DC), it was definitely the right thing to do. And I say that even after just spending this weekend in London, which used to invoke huge amounts of nostalgia and homesickness for London.

And I think it's an easier move to make w DC.

TheBookofRuth Tue 07-May-13 16:19:06

We moved from North London in January for very similar reasons and like you, I was reluctant, as was DH - we loved where we love.

We love where we are now even more. Seriously, it was the best move we ever made. We have so much more space, everything we need is in waking distance, it's really child-friendly - it's pretty much perfect. Yes, there are things we miss about London, but it's only a short train ride away, and the positives about where we are now more than compensate.

EssieW Tue 07-May-13 16:12:24

We moved from London when DD was 4 weeks old. I was so sad at the time even though I wanted the move (more space less traffic etc). It was fear of the unknown and change. It wasn't easy for about 6-12 months but 3 years down the line, it's great. We have a good networks of friends here (more so than in London) and a much better lifestyle.

MaryPoppinsBag Tue 07-May-13 16:04:51

We are moving 10 minutes up the road (a 10 minute walk that is!)
And I feel sad about leaving my beautiful home. We've been here nearly 10 years, got married, had two babies in that time and those memories belong in this house.

We aren't moving for any of the reasons you are just for a bigger 4 bed detached backing onto school fields. With potential to extend for my CM business.

But I cried when the Estate Agent came to do the pictures and have asked DH a million times is the right thing to do?

Your move sounds like a great opportunity.

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