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AIBU?

AIBU to start ttc despite being matron of honour next year?

66 replies

thecakeisalie · 07/05/2013 14:10

I posted a similar post on one of the other forums but still feeling slightly conflicted about it.

I'm going to be matron of honour for my cousin next May 31st which I'm looking forward to and appreciate the thought on her part. The problem is I'm desperately broody and can't imagine waiting all that time to start ttc our 3 dc. Considering she set the date a year ago I would feel a little selfish for causing problems over dresses if I'm pregnant or having a small baby as I will be expected to participate more than other weddings I've been to.

So aibu to start ttc but avoid trying over the months that would result in a May due date, meaning I could be fairly heavily pregnant or bf'ing a small baby at her wedding? Would you wait?

OP posts:

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HoHoHoNoYouDont · 07/05/2013 14:11

No, don't wait. You can't put your life on hold just because you might look big in a dress. The bride will want you there for 'you', not because of what you look like.

BedHog · 07/05/2013 14:13

Personally I wouldn't prioritise a cousin's wedding above my own family plans, and would start ttc. It would perhaps be kinder to tell her as soon as you know you are pregnant, in confidence, so she has time to alter her plans as necessary.

TheChaoGoesMu · 07/05/2013 14:13

No I wouldn't. You can't put your life on hold.

Seeline · 07/05/2013 14:14

Don't wait. You've no idea how long getting pg might take. If you put it off for another year and then it takes a while... If you don't conceive straight away, you probably won't be that big anyway.

grograg · 07/05/2013 14:16

Don't wait!!

rambososcar · 07/05/2013 14:18

Of course not! It's your life and family, it's perfectly reasonable to prioritise them over someone else's wedding regardless of your part in it. Anyone who'd want you to put your plans on hold is a bridezilla whose wedding would be best avoided!

thecakeisalie · 07/05/2013 14:23

Thank goodness I'm not alone in my thinking on this one! My husband has said the same but obviously he's bias and its easier to say as its my side of the family not his. I just dread any comments of 'selfish' from my family but I just can't stand to feel this broody any longer. It took 6 months with ds1 and I fell the first month with ds2, but I'm fully aware it could take months or years this time.

Was a little worried about posting on the aibu forum as I know people will be very honest when replying lol!

OP posts:

YouDontWinFriendsWithSalad · 07/05/2013 14:38

No, definitely don't wait. Anyway, should you fall pregnant straight away your cousin will have plenty of time to decide whether she wants a new MOH.

PicardyThird · 07/05/2013 14:42

I really don't get how weddings seem culturally to have become these events which other people are expected to plan the most intimate areas of their lives around.

Don't wait, don't avoid 'those' months. This is about something a lot bigger than a wedding.

LemonsLimes · 07/05/2013 14:44

Of course you mustn't wait. TTC is more important. I wouldn't avoid any months. I'm sure the bride would understand if you had to pull out or be on reduced duties due to bfing or being heavily pregnant. I would have. To be honest my bridesmaids didnt really help with anything. I didn't expect them to. They just turned up and looked pretty so the wedding would have still gone ahead fine if they'd had to pull out!

LemonsLimes · 07/05/2013 14:45

PS I wouldn't have minded at all if my bm was heavily pregnant in the photos. I think it would have made a funny talking point.

LemonsLimes · 07/05/2013 14:46

Surely no one would call you selfish!

MyNameIsLola · 07/05/2013 14:51

Don't wait! My sister was MoH at my wedding and was due to have her DS a week later. I wasn't in the slightest bit upset about the timing, I did ask her if she still wanted to be MoH at that point just to make sure she was comfortable with it but I was thrilled that she still wanted to.

We had dresses specially made to accommodate the bump and it wasn't too expensive and she looked gorgeous (as she always does anyway). The only thing I was a teeny bit nervous about was her going into labour when walking down the aisle but luckily she went overdue.

thecakeisalie · 07/05/2013 14:51

YouDontWinFriendsWithSalad: I don't understand the wedding thing either tbh. Our wedding was 20 people and cost as little as we could. All the wedding fairs and tiny details were just lost on me. I just know its a big deal to her and sometimes I know from our childhood there can be a big drama over stealing her thunder!

PicardyThird: I suspect we won't end up avoiding 'those' months as dh is very unhelpful when it comes to contraception - I think its a risk thing or something lol! Hence why I ended up getting an IUD as the pill sends me loopy juice and dh just cannot be trusted!

OP posts:

thecakeisalie · 07/05/2013 14:58

LemonsLimes - I wouldn't put it past some of my family members. Even tbh my Mum might as she wasn't keen on me having a second let alone a 3rd (I'm an only child) she doesn't understand what being broody feels like.

MyNameIsLola: That's lovely that your sister was able to still be MoH at your wedding and v reassuring that it can be done with minimum fuss.

In all fairness my cousin was bridesmaid at my wedding and did pretty much nothing except turn up. We didn't even get ready at the same place but I feel like I should make the effort as were exactly the same age and grew up more like sisters than cousins.

Thanks for all the replies v reassuring!

OP posts:

EldritchCleavage · 07/05/2013 15:13

Babies trump weddings, I think. People seem to forget that it's the marriage that's the main event, the wedding is just a little party send-off.

If anyone gives you any grief over getting pregnant, you have my permission to bash them about the head with a giant 'favour' bag of sugared almonds.

And I'm v. jealous-too old for a third, but I'd love another baby!

Rosesforrosie · 07/05/2013 15:18

Get pregnant! My BF was 8 months pregnant at my wedding and It was a total non issue.

thecakeisalie · 07/05/2013 15:18

Lol at bashing people in the head with favour bags!!

I agree babies trump weddings but not sure everyone is on the same page sometimes!

Just really glad dh is on board with the big family idea! That's the other point I forgot there's only 18 months between our boys who are 3.5yrs and 2yrs old so to then have a 4-5yr gap feels a bit weird to me (unless mother nature decides for me). It'll be around a 3 yr gap if I fell quickly and although 18mth gap was bordering on torture at points its so worth it they get on really well and makes life easier having kids who are of similar development for things.

OP posts:

bigTillyMint · 07/05/2013 15:22

My Best Woman was 7mths pregnant at our wedding. It was absolutely fine.

And I looked really slim next to her

Gooseysgirl · 07/05/2013 15:27

Another saying don't wait... My sister was MOH for her best friend who knew she was TTC and they got fab dresses which were stretchy and would have still been fine if she or the other BM were pregnant. One of my own BMs was 16 weeks along at my own wedding and she was stressing a bit about the dress but I told her not to worry that we would alter if needs be, I was delighted for her and it didn't bother me in the slightest. I didn't put off my own TTC plans for my sister or cousins weddings and ended up pregnant for both, no problems with either. Genuine friends will really not be bothered and will be thrilled for you. Good luck with TTCing

Gooseysgirl · 07/05/2013 15:29

And you are absolutely not being selfish!!

Lambzig · 07/05/2013 15:29

Go for it. You don't know how long it will take. You don't say if age is an issue, but even if not, then you need to put your family first.

Its hardly like you will ruin the wedding if you have to step down

I do recall a thread on here where the OP was asked to stop ttc for a few months by the bride and groom and she wasn't even in the wedding party!

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GiraffesAndButterflies · 07/05/2013 15:30

I just know its a big deal to her and sometimes I know from our childhood there can be a big drama over stealing her thunder!

So if you go into labour at the wedding, try and leave discreetly

EldritchCleavage · 07/05/2013 15:36

Anyone who might conceivably mind about this should stick to 8 year old bridesmaids. Sorted!

MumnGran · 07/05/2013 15:38

My daughters MoH was pregnant .... and it all went beautifully.

Perhaps if you do conceive it might be tactful to offer to step down from the role if the bride would prefer. This is what DD's MoH did .....after first saying that she was really happy to carry on with the job and would do whatever the bride thought best.

Just means that everyone can be upfront about things, and there are no simmering issues .....always a good idea when it comes to weddings

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