To be hiding upstairs instead of going and having it out with my mum

(11 Posts)
YesIamYourSisterInLaw Mon 06-May-13 19:21:23

I have recently discovered my mother is a compulsive liar. Her lies are extreme and down right evil. They range from people having been mean to her for no reason to sexual aduse from a sister.
She has told people she overheard me and my partner plotting to kill dal that do abuses me, that I punched my aunty in the face (cos she abused me too!) and she suspects do abuses our son.
I'm finding all this incredibly hard to deal with as my mother was always my rock and she doesn't know I know.
She lives in my house, and pays minimum rent. if she didn't I could still afford to run the house but would have no spare cash at the end of the month. A clos Friend has suggested I move in with her for a year or so to save cash and ask my mum if she wants to rent the house because I'm struggling to be around her.
I should be down there now talking to her but at present I'm hiding upstairs pretending to be asleep because I'm feeling sick about the whole thing. To read this you'd think she was downright awful when you met her but she's not, she's lovely on the surface and the last person you would ever suspect such things of. I can't comprehend how she can stab me in the back then look me in the eye and not feel guilt. She was always my rock and there isn't another person on earth I'd be more hurt by doing this.
The problem is when I'm around her because she doesn't know it's like it hasn't happened and I go from feeling sorry for her to feeling hurt about 50 times over. She also used to be aggressive at points when I was younger and I guess I'm still a bit worried in case she does turn violent. I still feel like a scared little child.
Dp isn't here, we split for a while before Christmas and he moved back home, he has a job there now so lives there while we try long distance. Ds is with him this week.
So Aibu to be hiding like a child? Tell me I should man the fuck up and get down there!

YesIamYourSisterInLaw Mon 06-May-13 19:22:02

Kill ds, that dp abuses me *

YesIamYourSisterInLaw Mon 06-May-13 19:23:02

Sorry for all the typos it's a mix of autocorrect and nerves

kotinka Mon 06-May-13 19:26:03

very odd! yanbu.

is there a possibility your mother is having the onset of dementia?

YesIamYourSisterInLaw Mon 06-May-13 19:31:53

No this has been going for on for years it's just I'm fairly young (early 20's) so have only just starting to realise.

RiotsNotDiets Mon 06-May-13 19:34:09

How did you find all this out? Are you 100% sure it's true?

Perhaps the person who told you is the liar?

kotinka Mon 06-May-13 19:35:30

sounds like you'd be justified to cut contact.

how did you find out? are you certain about lying?

YesIamYourSisterInLaw Mon 06-May-13 19:36:38

Rio I wish they were but their not, a lot of stuff I've thought odd over the years is now making sense. The person who told me is actually my boss and a family friend who didn't tell me as such but we figured it put together on an off chance during a conversation then started putting more pieces together. She has told a lot of lies about her too, none of which she knew about

fluffyraggies Mon 06-May-13 19:54:02

Bumping for you.

Plus - don;t feel you have to deal with this now, while you are alone and still a bit in shock. Go down, be normal, ride todays visit out and then take time about how you want to handle this. Maybe wait till your DH is back.

fluffyraggies Mon 06-May-13 19:55:33

Oooh sorry, i see you have split from DP.

Still - ride out today with normality, then take some time and find some support to help you deal with your DM. You don;t have to do it alone.

WynkenBlynkenandNod Mon 06-May-13 20:08:13

I fully understand you hiding. I'm having to come to terms with the fact that a lot of what my Mum told me over the years isn't true. I've thought for the last 20 years my Dad had an affair, my Brother is estranged from him partly due to this. I guess we can't be 100% sure but i think it's all a load of rubbish. She was very convincing, even told me the supposed name of this woman and where she lives. She is also estranged from her sister for reasons I doubt are right in actual fact but she's convinced they are.

However I can see that my Mum has been unwell for about 20 years now, she's clearly been suffering with paranoia. She also has been recently diagnosed with Dementia which she's been showing signs of for the last 3 years. I wish we'd realised 15 years ago that she was unwell, things could have been different.

Obviously your Mum's situation could be very different but I would just stand back and consider whether she could be ill. It's incredibly painful to deal with something like this, take your time and only engage when you feel ready.

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