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To think that nearly 2 will be old enough to go to a family wedding without mum?

(217 Posts)
DaddyAndDaughterTime Mon 06-May-13 16:29:38

My mum is getting remarried next year in france. We live in South england, so it is a short flight away. I have said about this to my ex, and that I want to take our daughter as all my family will be together which happens very rarely as we all live far apart.
She has said she will be much too young, and to tell my mum to visit her here if she wants to see her. She doesn't seem to understand that this is our daughters family as well not just mine.

I have said I would be happy to fly out with her the day before the wedding, go to the wedding with her, and then have a flight booked for that evening so she can sleep on the plane back, then be home by morning, rather than staying a few days.
She is saying it's not going to happen as she isn't happy with her being in a different country. Is this a reasonable 'mother thing' or should I push the point? I have mentioned to my mum and she said she doesn't want my ex to be invited as she doesn't get on with her.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Tue 07-May-13 14:47:06

Is there any reason bar anxiety as to why your Ex needs to be there?

ChocsAwayInMyGob Tue 07-May-13 17:20:56

I can't help thinking that paying for the ex to go with the OP is giving her her own way. She obviously thinks she is the more important parent and ensuring she is always on hand for her daughter will not cure the clingy-ness problem!

ChocsAwayInMyGob Tue 07-May-13 17:21:31

Or give the OP to form an independent relationship with his daughter, which she has a right to.

chocs the child is 11the months old, there can hardly be a "clinginess problem"- in a baby or young toddler, its perfectly normal. The OP has never, ever been alone with his DD yet wants to take her abroad overnight on his own - the parent who does care for her alone and has done all her life is hardly being clingy either in saying no to such a request when initially presented with it. A compromise of some description is surely necessary in the interest of the cild.

Molehillmountain Tue 07-May-13 18:25:58

In fairness, he wants to take her abroad in a years time. If both parties agreed they were working towards this, there would be time for the op to strengthen his relationship with his dd in that time, working up to overnight stays. As things are, it wouldn't be fair on the baby. In a years time it might be okay.

ChangeNameToday Tue 07-May-13 18:27:51

OP, can I ask a question? is there a reason why you only have supervised contact hours? Is there more to this than you're letting on? Were you a couple for a long time before you broke up? was it acrimonious?

I actually do think the resident parent has final say and yes, in this instance, what she wants goes. Your mother sounds a bit selfish and short-sighted. You have no idea what goes into looking after a child of that age for a whole weekend.

mumandboys123 Tue 07-May-13 18:30:35

yes, you should be able to take her and you should go to court for a Specific Issue Order if she won't agree - you will need to apply for that several months in advance.

I speak from experience - my father died during the early days of my separation from my now ex husband. He promised he would bring them to be with us at the 'party' after the funeral. He didn't. I will never forgive him. They should have had the opportunity to see people gathered to pay their respects to their grandfather, to be able to talk about him like we all did. They should also have been allowed to meet those members of the extended family you only see at weddings and funerals - it is likely the next family gathering will be my aunt's funeral so my children will never now meet her. It was a sad occassion on the face of it but enjoyable in other ways (I'm sure you understand) and I know they would have got something from it, despite their young ages.

Don't let this pass you by. Your child is entitled to a relationship with you and your extended family and you are entirely right to expect your child to take part in big family events.

mirry2 Tue 07-May-13 18:34:03

Could your ex travel with you both but not go to the wedding (I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if this has already been said

ChocsAwayInMyGob Tue 07-May-13 18:37:14

Your mother sounds a bit selfish and short-sighted. You have no idea what goes into looking after a child of that age for a whole weekend.

1. How is a grandmother wanting her granddaughter at her wedding selfish?
2. How is the OP going to know what it's like if he is never allowed to learn?

ChangeNameToday Tue 07-May-13 19:28:35

Chocs, you seem terribly invested in this thread.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Tue 07-May-13 19:35:11

I've seen things from the OP's side. My Dbro split from his wife when their DS was around 14mo (she cheated, trust was gone) . He had him for overnights, weekends, holidays, and family occasions. He is a wonderful father and has a great relationship with his son.

maddening Tue 07-May-13 20:40:07

but chocs - that's not the op's side - the op does not have dc for overnights and weekends - so while you are the sister of one of the many men who are a nrp that does not make you the expert on the op's situation.

I do agree though that the op needs to develop his relationship with his daughter and to want to do that is not selfish

ChocsAwayInMyGob Tue 07-May-13 20:50:00

I didn't say I was an expert, I said I was on the side of a man who wants to more of a parent to his child.

There's no reason why he can't have her overnight next year unless his wife is determined to keep her clingy by never leaving her with anyone or letting anyone else have her.

maddening Tue 07-May-13 20:53:25

sorry was just the way it read to me smile

ChocsAwayInMyGob Tue 07-May-13 20:55:31

That's OK maddening. smile

I was just trying to make the point that is possible for a man to have a toddler on his own overnight.

maddening Tue 07-May-13 20:59:44

oh I totally agree there

slhilly Tue 07-May-13 21:14:09

Fwiw, my DP and I left our DCs with grandparents while we went for weekends away, from the age of 18mo onwards. One set live 40mins away and see the kids regularly, the other live 3hours away and see the kids much less often. Neither set looked after the kids twice weekly for several hours.

We've left the kids with each set from time to time, and have accepted that the care will be different from what they'd get from us, written a list of essentials / ground rules, and not worried about the kids crying when we left. I've never thought of us as especially cold-blooded, just recognised that we are better parents for having a break.

We didn't go abroad, but we did travel equivalently far within the UK.

I'm therefore surprised by how many people are saying that extensive contact is a prerequisite for them to consider leaving their DCs with an exP for a two day trip.

I'm also bemused by comments about how a toddler won't enjoy a wedding. Because my DCs, when toddlers, were somewhat whimsical about what they enjoyed and didn't enjoy, and it would have been impossible to have done only things that they enjoy, or even predict reliably what they would enjoy. So we did the odd family event without worrying too much in advance about whether they'd have a fabulous time because doing right by our wider family matters to us, and if the kids started to have too rubbish a time, we would whisk them out and do our best to make them happy once more.

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