To be sick of hearing she has no money?

(23 Posts)
Thepennydrops Mon 06-May-13 15:42:16

DH's ex wife rang to ask for money again this weekend. It is for DSS's prom. There's no question of DH paying for this, as he did for DSD, although things are tighter for us financially now.

However, his ex was yet again saying how she didn't have any money. She does this often and asks for extra things for DSS, which DH always gives if he can but this sometimes leaves us short.

Obviously no one wants to see DSS lose out, but last year DH's ex rang him begging for money to pay her mortgage. She was in arrears and they were apparently threatening repossession. There was no way we were in a position to pay it even if we wanted to. The next thing she'd booked a long haul holiday, on her credit card apparently, leaving DSS with his Grandmother.

Recently she has bought a new car and when she had an accident in it rang DH saying she couldn't afford the insurance excess.

AIBU to be pissed off that we have to struggle financially because she cannot be sensible with money and be sick of hearing how she has no money, needs help etc and then hearing about her next holiday or big purchase?

Nanny0gg Mon 06-May-13 15:44:45

So, don't give the money to her (other than agreed child support, which I assume your DH is paying).
Decide what you want to buy/spend as 'extras' on the children, and take them out directly to get it.

Groovee Mon 06-May-13 15:45:17

YANBU and saying no to her may make her realise she alone is responsible for her own financial matters.

DamnBamboo Mon 06-May-13 15:46:00

Just don't give it to her.
She keeps coming back and asking because you keep saying yes.
Be firm, say no!

Her money worries really aren't your money worries unless the DC are directly involved. Unfortunately, her bad planning may well impact on the children, such as losing her house, so you're caught in an impossible situation. I hope she doesn't turn around and then blame you/DH if the DSC lose out if you aren't able/prepared to help her.

You have my sympathies. Wish I had more constructive advice. All I can suggest is that you need to have a chat with your DH. Does he give her the money when she asks? You need to set up criteria between you for when you'll be prepared to fork out and when you won't.

McNewPants2013 Mon 06-May-13 15:57:30

I can understand money towards the prom dress, but everything is taking the piss

Thepennydrops Mon 06-May-13 15:58:36

DH won't entertain not giving the money if we possibly can, if I suggest otherwise it causes a row. Also, if he says no she gets DSS to ring and ask.

Springdiva Mon 06-May-13 15:59:59

Well, if the SDCs are at prom age perhaps they will be leaving home soon and this whole scenario will change. Kids do grow up and (hopefully) become independent and no need to have contact with exDW then

Thepennydrops Mon 06-May-13 16:01:17

Just to add, DH doesn't give money unless it's for DSS but because of what seems like overspending on other things I feel a lot of these costs are things she can't afford because she spends the money on other things and expects DH to pay it regardless.

BenjaminButton172 Mon 06-May-13 16:06:29

What is the money for? Is it for an outift or to pay towards a venue? If it is an outift could ur DH take his son out himself and buy him something rather than giving the money to their mum.

I would tell ur DH to grow some balls and tell his ex to pay her own way.

clam Mon 06-May-13 16:15:47

So, if you object, it causes a row? So be it. You're entitled to a say in how you spend your family money.

cocolepew Mon 06-May-13 16:18:45

You need to have it out with DH. She's taking the puss.

cocolepew Mon 06-May-13 16:19:05

Or even the piss grin

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Mon 06-May-13 16:31:01

Its frustrating but i think you should count yourself lucky to be with a decent father. And i think its difficult to know how reasonable it is without knowing what your dh pays.
She is taking the piss pleading poverty and going on holiday but as a father if she isnt capable of providing for his children, then he needs to be.

Vickibee Mon 06-May-13 16:33:22

We were in a similar situation last year over a prom for DS , instead of sending the £ we sent a meadowhall voucher fo the equivalent value so XW did not get the cash herself. We have had requests for washing machines vacuums and wardrobes , how could she possibly look after DSS without these items!

RedHelenB Mon 06-May-13 16:45:45

If he has paid for one child's prom it is only fair to pay for the other. I'm sorry but CSA Is the MINIMUM & any parent worth their salt would want their children to go to a prom, it shouldn't all fall on the resident parent who also has all the hard work of day to day looking after of the kids. I think YAB a bit U!

Thepennydrops Mon 06-May-13 17:19:38

I've already said there was never any question of paying for the prom. We're paying for it all, ticket, whole outfit etc. although we will probably get DSS to choose what he wants then order online as it will have to go on the credit card and sadly they live too far away for DH to take DSS shopping himself before that.

DH already pays considerably more than CSA maintenance and always has done. It hasn't gone up for a number of years, simply as we can't afford it.

I have no problem with making sure DSS does not go without, but it seems this is often at the expense of our own DC and due to his ex wife's overspending. I feel like we're stuck between a rock and a hard place really, as does DH, which is why it causes arguements. Plus, if he says no to the extras then she gets DSS to ring and ask anyway, which is awful for everyone.

RedHelenB Mon 06-May-13 17:24:24

It won't go on for ever though - they will be 18 soon enough!

mrsjay Mon 06-May-13 17:28:25

I think your husband is feeling a bit responsible for her because of the dd , but it is really up to her to sort her own money out, if he pays his child support then then it really should be enough , I would help with the prom though and anythig the daughter needs, which you do anyway, I think he needs to have a word with the EX tbh and stop being so soft, I know that cant be easy though

acceptableinthe80s Mon 06-May-13 17:37:21

If he pays considerably more than CSA minimum then i'd suggest reducing the child maintenance and getting dh to take them shopping to buy whatever clothes/extras they need. Might be a solution.

CloudsAndTrees Mon 06-May-13 17:45:12

The CSA minimum is a pittance unless the NRP is extremely wealthy, so you will have to forgive me for not being impressed that a parent pays more than the bare minimum for their child.

Does the ex wife have other children, or does she have a more luxurious lifestyle than your DH in other ways?

schoolgovernor Mon 06-May-13 17:50:18

"I've already said there was never any question of paying for the prom."
Op - this is causing confusion. It means that you don't intend paying for the prom, but you mean the opposite.
So, you need to do as you've decided, pay for the prom to be fair then sit your DH down and agree some ground rules for the future. He needs to realise that these financial decisions aren't his alone.

Thepennydrops Mon 06-May-13 17:58:03

I don't expect anyone to be impressed, he pays what he/we can afford.

As for whether she has a more luxurious lifestyle... Well, she owns her own house (was hers and DH's before the split) a £20,000 new kitchen, a new car, a holiday abroad every year, spends a fortune on the DSC at Christmas etc. however, as far as I know (and she tells DH) she is living beyond her means as its all on remortgages/credit cards etc. It is obviously up to her how and spends her money, even if it's money she hasn't got, but it's very frustrating when she is telling DH that she is buying these things/going on holidays etc and then in the next phone call pleading poverty and saying DSS will have to miss out on x if DH doesn't pay.

What's even worse is that DSD seems to be following in the same footsteps, running short of money and then asking DH for more/for a loan/ending up with a huge overdraft. sad

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