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To think that if not being able to go for a piss on your own is true then I'd rather just adopt a ready made one?

(218 Posts)
LollyLaDrumstick Mon 06-May-13 13:17:17

Always thought I wanted babies, but the stuff I see on here is absolutely bewildering.

Having to eat one handed every meal because you have a baby clinging onto you? Not being able to leave them alone for 5 minutes to have a shower? Getting interrupted when you're having a 30 second piss? Not even being able to go for a piss in the first place as they cry when you leave the room?

Is this true? Or is there a type of parent that seems to make out what an awful time they had in baby years so they are perceived as a superior parent?

My hard-hat is well and truly donned wink but please, do let me know the truth about this so I'm not taken by surprised in the future. It all seems a bit stressful!

piprabbit Mon 06-May-13 14:13:51

It is such a very, very short window when they need you in a way that feels all consuming.

Mine are 9yo and 5yo now and they are starting to spread their wings a little. Every day I can see their physical dependence on me lessening. It is a little sad, but they make me very proud.

kotinka Mon 06-May-13 14:18:32

I was quite anxious with babies and that made my life harder. I do think adults need. to fit round the needs of baby rather than the other way round but I was so anxious I was OTT. the first couple of years they need a fair bit of input but after that you can have a changed version of your life back. I can't put it into words but having kids really added something special to my life. such a lot of experiences, good and bad. it changes you.

Viviennemary Mon 06-May-13 14:20:58

It isn't easy but I don't subscribe to this can't take a shower without baby, can't go out the room, have to rock and sing to sleep for six hours. I just don't subscribe to that kind of parenting. But it's everybody/s choice.

workhouse Mon 06-May-13 14:24:48

Before I had my two (9 and 15) I often imagined what it would be like with babies, not all idyllic stuff, just how I thought it might go. It turned out to be completely different smile Not bad just different.

When my daughter arrived, she's now 15, I looked at this little soul blinking up at me and thought "hello stranger" she was utterly different to the baby that I was expecting. But she was the most fascinating and precious thing that I had ever seen, and that was after a horrible birth.

I didn't carry the babies everywhere, I used a playpen for answering the door and going to the toilet. I don't think that I had a bath when they were in the playpen I had them in there in a bouncy chair. Bedtime was the time that they needed constant touch, my son would fall asleep on me for a long time, and was very reluctant to have his own room.

Everyone is different and parents differently, I was never a carry around mum and I didn't spend an awful lot of time on my hands and knees playing with them either, but my husband did. All periods of growing up are stressful and enjoyable in their own ways. I am loving the mum and daughter times that we spend now, shopping in camden, going for coffee etc. but then there is exam worry and rows that just come out of nowhere, which is par for the course of living with a teenager.

MoominsYonisAreScary Mon 06-May-13 14:28:42

It can depend on all sorts of things, age gaps.some people may find that they never have a problem with the first but the second comes along and is totally different.

I find it more difficult with the age gap between ds3 and 4, it can sometimes be tricky to find a time when they are both occupied and happy to be left.

CoteDAzur Mon 06-May-13 14:32:07

It is all true. Your life is not your own in the first couple of decades months of a baby's life.

Adopting a toilet-trained 3-year-old who sleeps through the night isn't a bad idea.

Cakebaker35 Mon 06-May-13 14:34:00

Ehhn it is absolutely possible to keep up sports, you just have to be organised and have a relaxed attitude I think. I'm not into competitive sports any more but my partner is, trains 6 days a week, and even when we had a rough time at the start he found the time and energy somehow to fit it in because he loves it. I also have a mum friend who plays competitive sport during the week and every weekend and takes baby along too, so I really think if you want to you will find a way to combine things. But over time your priorities will probably change a little anyway, as will your body, so you might find you just naturally do a,little less but then you spend time introducing your child to those sports so you might just become a family of sports lovers and that will be a whole new level of fun.

sunlightonthegrass Mon 06-May-13 14:38:34

Cake, I'm on my own! grin Rather that than an unsupportive partner, mind you!

Cakebaker35 Mon 06-May-13 14:42:16

Hats off to you Sun! And absolutely better no partner than a rubbish one smile

sunlightonthegrass Mon 06-May-13 14:45:24

Thanks! grin

Vivacia Mon 06-May-13 14:45:58

Am I the only one who finds the wording of the title offensive? I know your post is a bit tongue-in-cheek, but "just adopt a ready made one" seems very dismissive towards adopted children and their parents.

Geezer Mon 06-May-13 14:50:15

Vivacia, yes, possibly you are.

catlady1 Mon 06-May-13 14:52:52

It's all true, but people have different ways of dealing with it. Some parents will choose to carry their babies around with them, let them in the bathroom when they're toddlers, never go out without them etc, and some will choose to put them down and leave them to cry a little while they get things done, leave them with babysitters, and close the door while they have a wee. Neither is right or wrong, babies do need lots of closeness and attention, but not necessarily from a mother who is stressed out thinking about all the chores she hasn't done while she hasn't had a minute to herself, dying for a wee and starving from not having eaten all day. A few minutes in a playpen or bouncer won't hurt them, and managing to have a shower or breakfast before 12pm can make a huge difference mentally.

Anyway - yes, babies can be difficult, but toddlers and older children aren't necessarily any easier, and it's all about how you choose to parent. You just need to find a balance that works for you both.

neunundneunzigluftballons Mon 06-May-13 14:57:35

Things definitely change when you have kids my not so budding surfing career never took off for example. Some women carry on exactly as was but in my experience they are few and far between but for the most part that is because women embrace the chaos and change. As most have said it is not for ever I am starting back to easier times as my last child is 18 months mind you I expect the peeing in peace to be accompanied by teen angst though.

KoreRenati Mon 06-May-13 14:59:19

DS was like this before we found he was lactose intolerant, very clingy and upset all the time. Thankfully that's all changed now, it was knackering.

silversmith Mon 06-May-13 15:08:34

"It's just when I think of myself with a family- I see myself with children not babies. Was anyone the same?" - said, um, someone up thread a bit.

Yup - me - exactly!

And all the people who said, 'ah but you'll feel differently when it's your baby'. Well - no, not really.

My very cute toddler (he gets continually lovelier as he gets older and more independent), follows me to the toilet, which is sometimes annoying but does at least mean that I can see what he's up to, rather than hearing him trashing the bedroom which he's got into by hanging from the door handle and not being able to do anything about it.

And as for the identity bit - it's not competitive sport in my case, but a similarly life-consuming passion. If you're determined enough, and have the backup (and you need to trust the people you're leaving your child with), you can keep doing it (maybe after a 3 month break), but it does take a hell of a lot more organisation than it used to. I was bloody minded about it, and wore myself out trying to keep everything going without it looking difficult to outsiders, but I had a point to prove!

As for the thing about changed priorities - well yes - that too - but that was the last thing I wanted to hear when I had a week old baby. The Health Visitor tried that one, 'Oh but isn't it nice to have a lovely sit down breastfeeding, after that busy life you used to have?', 'No it bloody isn't - I liked my busy life and would like it back please!' And the 'No - life doesn't get back to normal, you have a new normal' from someone else who thought they were being helpful. 'Normal' is just harder work.

JulieCarp Mon 06-May-13 15:08:48

I had never heard of anyone who couldnt pop to the loo without an audience before I joined MN.
Have BF whilst eating -not a big deal and as they got older we all ate together.

Cloverer Mon 06-May-13 15:24:01

Depends on you and depends on the baby.

For the first few weeks we did the meals in relays/eating one handed thing. DS started going to bed fairly early in the evening by about 2 months though so then we had dinner in peace!

Eating one handed while breastfeeding was still a useful skill though, as it guaranteed uninterrupted meals in restaurants grin

I showered when DS had his morning nap as a baby. Once he was a toddler we could play in his room or watch TV for 10 minutes.

He's never really insisted on coming to the loo with me - when he was a baby I would leave him on his playmat or bouncer. However once he was 2 and potty training it was often easier to take him with me.

Ehhn Mon 06-May-13 15:40:39

Thanks v much for the replies, especially of the experiences. I don't want to hijack the thread but kind of figures it fits with OP.

Have more questions and thoughts I'd like to put out on here - should I start my own thread??

kotinka Mon 06-May-13 15:45:35

just go for it, I'm sure no one will mind, makes for a more interesting conversationsmile

NotaDisneyMum Mon 06-May-13 15:46:19

My DP can't shower, take a phone call, or even use the loo without his 9 yr old hunting him down and knocking on the door - and DPs ex (DSS mum) rarely gets a nights sleep without DSS waking and joining her in bed.

It's not just babies and toddlers, no matter how old your DCs are, there's no guarantee that your life will ever be your own again!

firesidechat Mon 06-May-13 15:46:31

I know not of what you speak!

Never had a one handed meal. Babies were put down, meals occurred, showers occurred, ablutions occurred, all without an audience.

In my day >dinosaur< it was the strict 4 hour thing and dare I use the phrase "trained like puppies" . It's merely a matter of getting a routine and body clocks established.

I don't know anyone of my age who a glued on baby. Seems to be a new phenomenon

What HollyBerryBush said.

I still like my tea lukewarm because that's the temperature it was when I finally got to drink it in the very early days. Also had to abandon my chinese takeaway on our first evening at home with new baby. But we pretty quickly worked out how to balance babies needs with our own. Don't know what's changed in the 25 years since. I didn't know till I came on MN that going to the loo by yourself was an issue.

I had a bouncy chair too.

ToysRLuv Mon 06-May-13 15:48:26

Thing is, you will not know exactly what kind of parent you will be and what your children will be like. Some babies cry and cling mire than others, also some parents have a lower tolerance for the baby's distress/ cries than others.

I had a crying baby and low tolerance (his crying made me feel distressed), so ended up holding ds most of the time. Never thought it would be like that. Don't regret it, mind you! But probably will not have another one.

ToysRLuv Mon 06-May-13 15:51:16

The loo thing really doesn't matter to me, btw. I always leave the door open anyway. I accept that it might be just be my Scandinavian mindset.

Geezer Mon 06-May-13 15:54:44

" I didn't know till I came on MN that going to the loo by yourself was an issue."

At last, I'm not alone. I don't know anyone out there in the real world who takes a small child with them when the go to the bathroom. confused

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