To think that if not being able to go for a piss on your own is true then I'd rather just adopt a ready made one?(218 Posts)
Always thought I wanted babies, but the stuff I see on here is absolutely bewildering.
Having to eat one handed every meal because you have a baby clinging onto you? Not being able to leave them alone for 5 minutes to have a shower? Getting interrupted when you're having a 30 second piss? Not even being able to go for a piss in the first place as they cry when you leave the room?
Is this true? Or is there a type of parent that seems to make out what an awful time they had in baby years so they are perceived as a superior parent?
My hard-hat is well and truly donned but please, do let me know the truth about this so I'm not taken by surprised in the future. It all seems a bit stressful!
Well I liked having my baby near me all the time so wasn't an issue for me anyway! And the first time Ds said "love mummy" was when I was sitting on the loo and he was sitting next to me playing. That's one memory I will never forget! It's usually only a short period, then they get old enough to amuse themselves while you get on with things. But that physical closeness gives them good mental security. Read up on attachment disorder before you decide you don't want to have a little one close to you.
No, I cant say it was a generational thing either - parents were dead, so it was all instinctive with a little bit of HV thrown in for good measure.
but to be fair, I was the tail end of the 'have it all' generation, you know, the ones whose main aim was to get back to work ASAP and get totally burned out trying to be Nicola Horlick.
>nods< 13-17 - you really want to rehome them. Give me a newborn any day than a hormonal teenager in the throes of some traumatic angst.
Holly i'm 44 my eldest is 19 i have always fed on demand and always carried round.Yes i've had occasions when i've had to allow for needing to feed a baby so when dd3 was a baby i would prepare for everything 30 mins early to allow time for a feed if needed. I'd rather be early than late even if it meant waiting in the car.
It just doesn't bother me having my dd4 in the bathroom with me she's now 18 months so i've got both hands back for eating.
Well I obviously don't think that adopted children are an easier time it was a bit of a lighthearted thread title, as is this thread. I'm not here to judge anyone's parenting choices, it's just interesting to see how they change over time. I am a 90s baby and fitted into my parents life, nursery at 4 weeks, CC, in my pushchair at the pub with their friends- not musical soft play toddler groups, and I can't say I love them any less because of it.
It's just when I think of myself with a family- I see myself with children not babies. Was anyone the same?
These were true for #1 (aka PFB).
Less so for #2. He's left to cry a lot more than #1 ever was... ;)
Everyone's experience is different but instead of thinking about whether you want a child, think about are you with the right person to have that child with. In the end bringing a new little person into the world is bloody hard work at times but having a supportive and loving partner does make the tough bits that much easier. I take my hat off to those who do it alone, we had a tough start due to some medical stuff so without my other half the whole thing would have been grim indeed. Personally I found the first 6 months super tough but thankfully now my DD is 18 months things are so much better now and I definitely can go to the loo without an audience :-)
Attachment theory was born out of work done on orphans post WWII.
It was about the presence of a constant care giver providing needs ie emotional attachment - I don't think I was actually meant to construed as a physical attachment. Although phrases get adapted and used in later years.
>too deep for a sunny afternoon<
I think most parents will have experienced some or all of what you describe, but not usually at the same time. If you are that squeamish about sharing a bathroom though , i would suggest parenting is not for you - you certainly won't avoid it by adopting and over 20+ years you will make much bigger sacrifices. The thing is, most parents find they make them gladly.
I'm glad this thread has started.... Because I'm struggling with this myself. I tutor kids so maybe I see th bad side (expense, worry, failing, bad behaviour, bullied, mental health probs) but my boyfriend of 6 years wants kids and I don't. Mainly because I ride horses competitively (at a level that is potentially dangerous), I like going heli skiing and ski touring and I play rugby. I cannot see a way in which I could have children and still live this lifestyle. And I just love my sports so much; it goes beyond just a hobby, it is a total way of life - even though I have a phd, I am choosing tutoring instead of a career so I can devote myself to sports.
I just see all the struggles, expense, loss of free time and I don't see how you can maintain your identity and life and have children. I have started following mumsnet for some hope and I've found new problems that I never even considered! Is there anyone out there who can bring an alternative view? Is there anyone who has managed to maintain their sporting life at the same level of competitiveness with kids? (May need to cross post in the stable forum on MN?)
Most babies will be put down for a few mins while you shower/pee unfortunitely it tends to be when they want to, not when you want to iuswim.
Toddlers can be left if you have a child proofed room, if you don't you could come back to find them climbing the bookcase/fridge table. It's not forever
I never needed to take my ds to the toilet with me, though I remember having some showers with him in the bathroom in a bouncy chair. When I read the thread about the baby crying when the parents are eating dinner, I couldn't remember ever having that problem. I think my ds would mostly have been asleep or happily playing on a mat. He didn't cry a lot. I remember once going into the kitchen and seeing the mug and teabag next to the kettle where I'd placed it with plans to make a drink about 10 hours earlier and had never had the chance since, but I think that was in the first few months. Having said that, parenting is the hardest thing I've ever done and I think if I were just choosing the easy option I'd get a kitten instead.
ehhn I guess it depends on a few things, could you afford your sports and the expense of dc?
Would your partner be happy to take on the majority of the childcare at weekends/evenings while you persued your sports?
I never had any interest in babies and knew nothing about them.
I sort of assumed that one day I would feel different and maternal instict would kick in. It never did. At 36 I said we should make a decision yes or no and stick to it.
We decided that we did not want to risk regretting having no children. Actually I never thought I'd get pregnant as in all those years I'd never even been a day late and so many people allegedly get pregnant while using contraception.
5 weeks later I was pregnant. I spent 9 months in fear and trepidation in case I had made the worst decision of my life.
It was the best thing we ever did. It almost feels as though I've had two different lives as an adult.My boys are the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me (number 2 was my 40th birthday present). The early years were hard but we have never been anything other than thrilled at being parents.
BUT all those things you said are true and if I had known about them I would never have made that decision. I would have been wrong and I would not have known how little those things matter compared to how hugely life enhancing the children have been.
In my experience, none of those things were true. There are always moments of madness though so never say never!
I just see all the struggles, expense, loss of free time and I don't see how you can maintain your identity and life and have children
Well you have to have a decent support network, probably close and fairly young parents/ILs of your own who want to share bringing up a child. If you are fairly isolated in terms of support, then no, you aren't going to manage to maintain a lifestyle with hobbies that you are used to.
No idea about the sports aspect, I'd all but given up competitive sport by the time I was 30, but I had the career aspect. For us it wasn't sustainable (no living family) although for a very close colleague, she was indeed back at her desk 2 weeks post birth, and took a 6 month posting to Thailand when her DS was 3 months old.
Perfectly well brought up by his grandparents and father, perfectly normal child, no relationship issues with his mother either. She worked away on contract until he went to uni, whereupon his father took early retirement (at 48) and joined my friend full time in Sri Lanka. That is a good example of role reversal, although she was slated by her peers for being so unmaternal.
Ehhh, the answer to your problem is, imo, that after dc your priorities change and you just dont want the same things anymore - its why you can't make a decision on returning to work before baby arrives, you have no idea how you'll feel. The only certain thing is that whatever you think life with dc will be like, it wont be like that , but it is great.
It will be up to you-cribs,play pens, and bouncy chairs will do for babies while you have a loo/shower break.I chose to shower at bedtime usually. When you have a toddler I would again shower at night but they do tend to follow you to the loo and tbh you will feel happier if you can see them.If you are lucky they will play in a child proof room for a few minutes but until my dgs's were 3ish I just left the toilet door open and let them come in if they wanted-it helps potty training too
Ehhn just to add another thing to your list how thick skinned are you? because doing the sports you do and having children will get you comments about being selfish and not thinking about the risks.
My exh got comments about his sports though i was fully supportive but it got to him and upset him.
I don't think its true for everyone either. I've never had a one handed meal, never had company in the toilet or in the shower. I do think I've been lucky with how easy going dd is though. Even when I had the shits and got stuck for 30 minutes at a time, she managed to play in her cot for me quite happily.
I lived with my nan after my first one for 4 months and my nana had established the 4hr routine within the first couple of weeks and dd slept through from 6 weeks so no I had it very easy compared to how I see others do it all baby centric and in arms all the time. I put ds is same routine and again never had a problem with going for a wee or a shower or out for coffee. Most of the baby days were spent going out for coffee tidying up and reading books on the sofa all day.
And just to add, that doesn't mean we aren't close the rest of the time
I've a 3 week old and an almost 3 year old.
Showers are fine. Livingroom is gated and safe in there so 3 year old is fine locked in there for a few minutes with the tv and his toybox. Then I bring new baby upstairs and pop her in the moses basket.
The problem I have is eating. I swear most of the time when I sit down to have something baby will start crying as soon as my arse touches the seat and then when my back is turned my eldest will eat my food if I don't keep my eye on him.
I usually end up with baby in one arm having a bottle, the other arm is feeding myself and
the bottomless pit that is DS who wants whatever I'm eating.
it's down to you and what you feel comfy with - I am like Holly, but my eldest is 11 - I just did what I needed to and didn't fret - if I wanted a shower I left the kids with my ex while I had one or, if just one small baby, left them playing in their cot
I never ate a meal with a baby on my ram - baby went into a cot or chair
if they cried when I left the room then I just went quicker, but a bit of crying didn't hurt them
now they are mobile I have much less privacy - they all like to come and talk to me when I am in the bath!
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