To think this IS babysitting rather than parenting?

(57 Posts)
LittleLisa78 Mon 06-May-13 12:48:21

DP looked after our 11 month old DD at the weekend; I had loads of work to do and as he had the weekend off he said he'd have DD so I could get my work done. On Saturday I got her breakfast, dressed, fed her, played with her, changed her nappy etc. he took her for a walk when she was tired at 11. She had a nap and when she woke at 2 he bought her back and I changed, fed her etc. they stayed for another hour then he went walking again til 6. Yesterday he took her out again twice for several hours but I still did all the feeding, changing etc. AIBU to think that walking with her all day and pretty much boring her to sleep is more like babysitting than parenting? He does say the classic ' I'm glad I could help you' and he's going out to play golf on his next day off to relax as he didn't get to these days off apparently. If I had someone to get baby fed, changed, ready, look after her while I'm in shower, while I eat etc I'd feel very relaxed! He doesn't see it. AIBU?

LittleMissLucy Wed 08-May-13 03:00:02

This is the 5th child between you?
Wow. firstly congratulations.
Secondly, he defers to your authority in all matters child.
I think you're onto a a major winner there.
Bask in it.

Want2bSupermum Wed 08-May-13 02:57:10

Peazly Exactly.... Men are just as capable but my DH, brother, FIL and DF will all take the route of least work knowing women will step in and do it for them. Leave them to it and don't rescue them and they all step up and figure it out.

If the OP's OH isn't doing stuff he needs practice. Leave him to it to figure it out and settle with his own way of doing things.

PeazlyPops Mon 06-May-13 15:51:58

With men you have to demand. If you expect you will be left disappointed.

This isn't true at all! Men are just as capable.

phantomnamechanger Mon 06-May-13 15:42:19

he's behaving like this because you are letting him, OP, it's that simple.

MortifiedAdams Mon 06-May-13 15:28:28

So youve had four kids with an equal parent and suddenly on no.5 he is Mr Useless?

Or is this your first child.together and possibly the reason he is.not with the mother of his.previous kids?

Xiaoxiong Mon 06-May-13 14:48:23

Yes I agree that YAbothBU. If your DH was a first time dad worried about doing something wrong with his PFB I could somewhat forgive his useless flapping and feigned helplessness as inexperience leading to a lack of confidence. But you have FIVE kids!

The only thing standing between him continuing to be a cocklodger in his own family and actually having to be a real parent is you standing up for yourself.

McKayz Mon 06-May-13 14:46:38

Xiao has it exactly right.

DD is 10 months and breastfed. I'm a SAHM and DH works away for 2 months at a time. He would be very happy and very capable of looking after DD for a day. She won't take BM or formula from a cup or bottle. But she'd still survive a day.

flowery Mon 06-May-13 14:43:18

Do I read it correctly that you didn't actually start work until 11 on Saturday? Why didn't you just grab yourself some breakfast then go and get on with your work at 8 or whenever, leaving him to get DD up, get her dressed, get her breakfast, play with her, all those other things except the bf which obviously you need to do.

Sounds like this is 6 of one half a dozen of the other tbh. YAbothBU

Squitten Mon 06-May-13 14:15:33

It doesn't sounds like you are being very clear in what you want him to do.

On the one hand, you say that you don't want to be disturbed but on the other you have to BF (fair enough), but then you take it upon yourself to change her and have a lunch break so what's the bother? You were there anyway and you changed her. If you had needed to get back to work, you should have finished the feed, handed her back and disappeared until lunch was ready.

Cloverer Mon 06-May-13 14:11:52

I think you need to be stricter. Breastfeed her and hand her back. If he says she's so upset she needs a breastfeed to calm down tell him no, you fed her an hour ago he needs to calm her down himself.

If he tries to pop up with the baby to visit you, why don't you send them away?

I went back to my uni course when DS was 6 weeks old btw, so DP had to look after him between feeds at the weekends. I would manage to feed him, hand him over and then get a clear 2.5-3 hours work done before DP had to bring him back. At 11 months you should be getting at least 4 hours work between feeds, a quick feed and then another 4 hours!

I would set a timetable for him - you will feed the baby at 8am and hand her over, then you are not to be disturbed for anything less than a life or death situation until lunchtime.

HollyBerryBush Mon 06-May-13 13:56:36

What do you want him to do?

You say you want to work, he is removing the baby from the house so you can work.

I used to pack the bag and the pushchair and dispatch DH and multiple children to the park so I could read in peace (those were the days)

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Mon 06-May-13 13:53:18

He is babysitting his child and you are parenting him.

I would go and work in the library or at a friends. Have you considered cutting down when your DD breastfeeds. I only BF on wake up and at bedtime at that age. If you cut her milk she will increase her solids if she needs to.

SugarPasteGreyhound Mon 06-May-13 13:52:54

It's not all men - it's just people.

I used to do all of the housework, and I mean ALL of it. When DH started to help around the house, I found it very difficult not to jump in and take over, or to start directing. However DH soon worked out his own ways of doing things - they weren't wrong, just different to mine.

Leave him to get on with it. If you enable the behaviour then he will continue to act in this role. If possible could you work at your local library for a few hours? Once he gets the hang of things then it will be much easier, but you need to leave him to it

MerylStrop Mon 06-May-13 13:51:48

Go to work at the library. Or at a coffee shop.
Be elsewhere.
Make it firmly known that when you are working you are unavailable.
Tell him the hours that you are working.

Time "off" should be equal. But time off together a priority.

Booyhoo Mon 06-May-13 13:51:34

Although tbh i think you'll come back with an excuse why that wont work either

Booyhoo Mon 06-May-13 13:51:05

Yes, what xaio said.

Xiaoxiong Mon 06-May-13 13:50:23

Ok so you breastfeed her if absolutely necessary and when done put her in his arms saying "she needs changing, I need to keep working!"

He changes her, puts baby in sling and makes lunch for family while you keep working. Or even better, he has made lunch while you are breastfeeding.

Booyhoo Mon 06-May-13 13:49:15

Dd will get used to her dad inly being available. He need to stop pacing at the stairs waiying for you and actually try differeng things to calm her. If he has 5 children and knows what to di then why is this happening?

Nanny0gg Mon 06-May-13 13:48:25

And you are still allowing him to get away with the little he does!!

Of course, if he is the lazy sod he appears to be, he's not going to argue if you take over.

Either make him get on with it by being unavailable or put up with it.
If you've got five children (how many are 'shared'?) he's learnt he can get away with it. And he does.

LittleLisa78 Mon 06-May-13 13:48:12

Because we were going to have lunch, I wasn't going back to work. She won't take ebm in a bottle or cup

LittleLisa78 Mon 06-May-13 13:46:54

It's difficult at the moment because of the feeding though booyhoo. Have tried ignoring his pacing but he waits til she's really upset then says she needs bf to calm down

Booyhoo Mon 06-May-13 13:46:05

Express breast milk. Cone diwn and feed her yourself at lunch but dont do nappies or anything else.

Mutt Mon 06-May-13 13:45:52

OK, so you breastfed her.

Then went on to change her and make lunch. Why didn't you just hand her back when she was fed?

Seriously, you're not helping yourself.

LittleLisa78 Mon 06-May-13 13:44:55

It's our fifth child between us, he knows what he should do!

Booyhoo Mon 06-May-13 13:44:16

You have to insist on having those hours without interuption. Do you call your dh at work to say hi or bring dd to him to be changed? No because hea working and he gets that tine off from bejng responsible for child stuff. You deserve the same rights as him to be able to work so insist on it!

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