To be upset and not really know where to go with friendship after this?

(63 Posts)
DumSpiroSpero Sun 05-May-13 22:20:58

We spent a lovely day yesterday with a family I would consider to be probably our closest friends and some other families. Had a great time and as usual the DC's got on like a house on fire.

This morning I had a text from close mate "This is a a bit awkward but every time the kids play together I find nits the next day. Don't want to rude/nasty but thought I should let you know.".

Spent the best part of an hour combing DD's hair this morning and no sign of anything - she hasn't had nits since before Christmas either, and the kids see each other every couple of weeks.

Tbh I was shaking when I got the text and have been in tears on and off all day. DH thinks I'm completely overreacting. I don't doubt there was no vindictiveness behind it and i don't want to lose a friendship over it, but still feel it's a reflection on DD and me and know it will be on my mind every time I see them now.

Am not sure whether to just leave it, or to phone and have a chat tomorrow to try and clear the air. I think the way it was worded and the fact it was via text didn't help and I am a bit hormonal atm so guess that's not helping.

hellymelly Mon 06-May-13 23:12:17

Found lice on my dd tonight, 6 tiny tiny ones,(had to look through a magnifying glass to see them) and no sign of eggs, so I can date the Mama louse crawling on to her last day at school, over a week ago, as she has been itchy for a couple of days. The lice she has are too small yet to lay, so will be easy to shift. I have Hedrin here but usually just nitty gritty comb with conditioner every night for three or four nights and then every other night for a week, but I've never seen anything past day three/four So it is effective. My dds have fine hair and v sensitive skin though, so get itchy right away and don't have a lot of thick curls to get through. I think then I would use the suffocating stuff. DD has had them three times in the last term and half, so someone's parent is being a bit slack.

RooneyMara Mon 06-May-13 14:24:45

Plus a lot of people don't bother to treat again after a week. Then are amazed when it comes back.

We have other friends who don't bother with the lotion stuff, they just remove any obvious adults, and tbh I don't allow sleepovers with them either.

It gets bloody expensive.

RooneyMara Mon 06-May-13 14:22:51

This is really difficult on all sides tbh.

I have a friend who is great but her children (in her own words) always have nits, and it drives me and everyone else mad as we have to do the whole de-lousing thing every time while she just does, apparently, nothing.

I actually did stop our children playing together at one point as I couldn't afford to keep doing hedrin. I didn't tell her this - I tried to turn it around to say that mine had it again and I didn't want to give them back to hers.

She didn't reply and I think I overdid it a bit. We are friends now, but the kids still don't play together at home. And I got ds's hair cut.

Wishiwasanheiress Mon 06-May-13 13:51:06

Shaking and crying over this?

I'm with ur partner, bu and a bit nits (nuts) IMO

MoominsYonisAreScary Mon 06-May-13 13:49:41

Do you have an electric nit comb? They're supposed to be better than the normal combs, might be a good investment if you can't use lotion. Or to use along side full marks

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Mon 06-May-13 13:15:46

I think her text was a bit bitchy tbh. And ill informed. her kids wont be crawling with the little buggers within 24 hours after all hmm And like you say, your kids dont have any. They might now, thanks to your friend's kids being riddled with them. I'd be tempted to point that out to her but I'm a cow like that .

I do think crying about it was a bit OTT but I too would be annoyed/offended if someone implied their DC caught nits off of mine all the time.

badinage Mon 06-May-13 13:04:18

I'd ring her or try to see her and sort it out.

Being fair and assuming she's not a complete PITA, maybe she was at the end of her tether and snapped. I remember when one of mine kept getting them and that only stopped when she changed class. They'd always appear at the worst time i.e when we were about to go somewhere with lots of other people and I seem to recall after the fourth or fifth time in that school year, feeling angry with whichever parent it was in that class who wasn't treating his/her child.

I know I wouldn't have texted, but I did have a rant blush within my own four walls...

I tried them all that year, but Hedrin was the best one by far. Has your GP/HV/pharmacist said that the chemical ones can't be used by anyone with a skin condition? I'm a bit clueless on that one as fortunately none of us suffer with anything, but it's always worth checking these things.

DumSpiroSpero Mon 06-May-13 12:32:29

I'll definitely near that in mind next time (hopefully not for ages!) Kansas, thanks!

KansasCityOctopus Mon 06-May-13 12:29:30

spiro, just a heads up, try the 'Full Marks" solution.

Both my kids have eczema and i wont use hedrin or the chemical treatments, but full marks is different from the others, its really gentle, and it works by suffocating the live lice, but doesn't kill the nits, so you have to follow through with combing and a re-treatment after 7 days.

i accidentally discovered it works wonderfully on lifting cradle cap too, lmao! grin

DumSpiroSpero Mon 06-May-13 12:21:18

badinage I totally agree with you re texting that kind of thing. I was pretty gobsmacked and due to go out - had I got the message yesterday evening I probably would have called back.

I think I will have to ring her, as much as a large part of me says 'drop it. It's the 'when they spend time together mine gets nits' that is still rankling. They have a semi regular thing which means they see each other for several hours at least once a fortnight, and tbh I think implying that me/DD are responsible for a dozen bouts of nits this year shock is a bit much! Unless it's possible that I've not noticed and they've gone away on their own in between, which I don't think is posdible but am willing to be corrected.

Fwiw I have no problem with the nit aspect, it's the implication behind it that bothers me, and it's all very well to say ' I'm not blaming anyone' but am not entirely sure how else one is supposed to take those comments confused.

Littlehousesomewhere Mon 06-May-13 09:16:46

Yanbu

I think that txt was very rude and nasty!

I would have been upset too.

If she was a good friend she could have said something's like '"just letting you know we found nits in dc hair today, sorry but it might be an idea to check your dc too''

That being said I would txt back with what willowwisp said earlier. And then wait a while before seeing her again.

MoominsYonisAreScary Mon 06-May-13 08:37:11

If we ever get them I text people we've been in contact with and say sorry we've found visitors, hope we haven't passed them on

Wouldn't just presume to know where they are coming from (although sometimes you do but wouldn't say!)

fuzzpig Mon 06-May-13 08:11:26

No apology for her jumping to conclusions? Charming hmm

badinage Mon 06-May-13 00:23:02

It always baffles me why people ever think a text is a suitable medium for what is a fairly sensitive message.

It's cowardly.

A phone conversation (or considering this is something that's been brewing for a while) a face to face, would have been much better and wouldn't have left you wondering and worrying all day.

Seeing her facial expression and hearing her tone of voice would have made this message much easier to receive and respond to.

But then again, you texted back. <<bangs heads together>>

Speak to her, before this all gets out of hand.

DumSpiroSpero Mon 06-May-13 00:04:31

could it be that she knows you cant use them and assumes your method to be less effective

I suspect there may be an element of that, but also think Agent Zigzag madw a good point that she's overthought the wording of the text and it came out a bit wrong.

We've been friends for a long time and I'm sure she didn't mean it to cacross the way it did - I'll just struggle to put it to the back of my mind tbh.

Her reply was just 'Glad your DD hasn't got them' - no 'oops must've got it wrong, sorry' which makes me a bit hmm. Can't help wondering if she thinks I'm either lying or in denial about my pfb having nits!

polishthisturd Sun 05-May-13 23:54:00

I cannot use chemicals on my head either due to eczema. Could it be that she knows you cant use them and assumes your method to be less effective, and so shes put the blame on you IFSWIM? (Although regular combing is great for detecting them and keeping them away, and Vosene contains coal tar which will soothe your eczema!)

Do let us know how she responds. I think her text sounds exasperated at finding nits again and she probably wants to find someone to lay the blame on! It should be HER DD with the tight plaits!!!

DumSpiroSpero Sun 05-May-13 23:18:31

fuzzpig you have my sympathies - I also have thick, curly hair and DD has shared her nits with me previously - nightmare!

mrspaddy Sun 05-May-13 23:15:58

I actually think the text was nasty and she shouldn't have sent it implying that your child was the culprit and secondly that you neglected to do anything about it. I would be sensitive about things like that too. I think the lighthearted texts already mentioned here would be the best way to deal with it. Don't bring it up again unless she does then say that you would preferred her to bring it up in conversation rather than a text.

fuzzpig Sun 05-May-13 23:08:59

That does seem very odd that she is specifying your DD if there are loads of other children around hmm

Agree it sounds like an uncleared infestation rather than a new one each time. I wonder if she realises about repeated combing, as well as washing all bedclothes etc. You have to be really thorough.

Sympathies with the eczema issues, my DS is the same so it's an extra reason I am very paranoid vigilant around lice issues. That and the fact that my hair is ridiculously thick so if I get them it is a complete nightmare. Thankfully DS (nearly 4) has never had them.

Does anyone else's head automatically start itching when they read about nits though grin

DumSpiroSpero Sun 05-May-13 22:59:32

BTW the text was specific to my DD...

DumSpiroSpero Sun 05-May-13 22:58:16

I'm glad others have confirmed the life cycle thing as I work with small children and did a big display about nit checking a while back and thought it was a bit hmm .

I won't use chemicals to get rid of nits as DD and I both suffer from excema and it's a pita to get rid of them with a comb so I really try and keep on top of it re checking and have tea tree oil in all our shampoos and conditioners which seems to help.

DD is going through puberty on the early side - nits is just one more thing I could really do without worrying about, especially if it may affect one of her closest friendships, hence the oversensitivity blush .

ivanapoo Sun 05-May-13 22:56:26

It's bloody nits (or not as it happens), nothing to get upset about.

Nits like clean hair anyway don't they? You should be proud she thinks your kids have them ;)

AcrylicPlexiglass Sun 05-May-13 22:53:23

I think you should text back what williowisp said too. I would be slightly upset to be called on something like this by text by a close friend too as would prefer it was mentioned face to face. But she almost certainly meant nothing by it and nits whilst utterly annoying are no shame at all. Everyone gets them at some stage, some children repeatedly.

AgnesBligg Sun 05-May-13 22:52:01

Fuzzpig thanks for the Vosene tip. That's great news.

Just to add OP my kids and my friends' kids, went through an appalling nit cycle. Mine had them, they had them, then I had to comb friend's hair, then she had to do mine. We spent an entire DAY together going through each others hair, we were like fricking grooming gorilla mammas. It's not a biggy.

AgentZigzag Sun 05-May-13 22:51:49

I agree she could have worded it as a question rather than a statement, but maybe she's overthought it and it's come out in a way she was desperately trying to avoid?

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