To want kind words and thanks rather than criticism

(55 Posts)
fizzzness Sun 05-May-13 15:25:53

I do pretty much all the housework and childcare in our house and with our 2 kids. Fair enough in some ways, DH works full time and when he's at home he pitches in.

If I do anything " wrong" then he's having a go at me. I.e. stuff I see as petty or a wee mistake. ( load the dish washer in the wrong order, let some food go past sell by date, not washed a plate properly etc.

This drives me mad as he doesn't notice or say thanks on a regular basis for ALL THE OTHER STUFF I DO all the time day in day out in order to keep the house and kids intact. All the stuff that leaves me no time or energy to do anything afuckingtall else. No thanks , just going off his head for the small things that escape me.

Aaagh, fucking hate this. When did I turn into a house wife.

MrsDeVere Sun 05-May-13 15:47:59

Is he ever nice to you?

Sorry, I am not one of those LTB types but he doesn't sound very nice from your description.

Being pulled up like a naughty child is not acceptable.

He needs to stop doing it.

I understand why people are telling you to be sarky or stop doing thing etc, it a tempting route,

but really you need to be very clear about what he is doing and that he needs to stop doing it.

As calm as you can be.

'I do not like you criticising me for petty things. I want you to stop doing it. It is upsetting me. I am not a child and I expect you to treat in a way you would want to be treated'

BathTangle Sun 05-May-13 15:49:24

From your OP, on the surface it is just about exactly what Maggie says her friend went through: there is a joke I have seen about this here.

Alternatively this is part of a bigger picture - is this merely a symptom of a lack of respect for you - the dishwasher loading thing sounds very controlling? That said, my husband and I have silent "power struggles" about how the dishwasher is loaded, but it is more of an ongoing joke, and I know that actually, he respects me for my role running our household and appreciates that I do a good job.

In a rather circular way, this is just to ask whether it is a problem of lack of appreciation, or a wider picture that needs to be addressed.

fizzzness Sun 05-May-13 15:50:17

Honestly I've asked him so many times now.

He's genuinely not a prick either. He's wonderful in the main.but this really upsets me.

"No thanks , just going off his head for the small things that escape me."
" Apparently I'm stupid for putting the shopping on top if a balloon, it infuriates him because it's a waste of money and an idiotic thing to do."

'Going off his head'. 'Infuriates'. 'Stupid'. 'Idiotic'.
Really? That sounds not just rude, but massively over-reacting. Just how lightly are you having to tread on those eggshells, OP?

Khaleese Sun 05-May-13 15:50:52

My DH is the same i say...

Yes dear
Maybe you should do that job then, your better at it than me.
Oh right, yes, i see.

Dumping it all on him every once in a while helps a lot.

KingRollo Sun 05-May-13 15:53:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fizzzness Sun 05-May-13 15:53:34

Those are my words. He did say " infuriates" and "stupid" . The other words are mine.

fizzzness Sun 05-May-13 15:54:29

I did say " fuck off" . Quite a lot actually

Anyone who called me stupid would regret doing so. It is completely uncalled-for. He is adult isn't he? It's such a primary playground thing to do.

I would go with the suggestion that ANY job he criticises automatically becomes his. To do forevermore (or at least until he issues a grovelling apology for being such a dick). He can load the dishwasher, shop for the birthday party etc. I would suggest you tell him this clearly, and stick with it for at least a week. If he wants something done his way, then it's best that it's done by him.

maddening Sun 05-May-13 16:00:32

When was his last payrise? Has he furthered his qualifications and work experience? Has he maximised his salary?

He sounds like he has personality /behavioural issues - ott reaction and criticism for jobs not done well IN HIS OPINION is odd and not acceptable in an equal partnership and it is telling that he turns it round to you wanting to be patronised and being needy.

Were his parents overly critical growing up or of each other? Is he slightly obsessive about details etc?

CSIJanner Sun 05-May-13 16:00:37

Mr CSI is exactly the same and also can't let things that happened yesterday go with the LO's either which pisses me off. I went off on him earlier and told him to buck up. He's currently keeping himself busy cleaning the fish tanks which is one chore I refuse to do. It's the constant criticism of things which he could also do if he pulled his finger out, but with the running commentary of criticism, I can only never that it's all my fault. Which I set him right on. Wife, not his mother.

On a good note and if you can be bothered, card shops are usually good about refilling balloons if they've gone down the same day that they've been done.

hm32 Sun 05-May-13 17:33:36

I have told DH to do things himself if he doesn't like how I do it. As a result, he now does the cooking and the food shop. Bliss! He keeps quiet about criticizing anything else now lol.

Gossipmonster Sun 05-May-13 17:38:52

Very useful thread - OH does this when he is home from the Navy.

1. I have managed to bring up 3 kids and run a home with a full time job on my own for many years before I met him without encountering major domestic disaster.

2. I don't want things "his" way when he's not even here.

3. He isn't working when he is home - I am yet I still cook every day.

4. It's my fucking house!!!

BobblyGussets Sun 05-May-13 17:58:32

I'm with MrsDeVere, he sounds aggressive. Not nice. Tell him to behave himself and treat you with respect.

fritteringtwit Sun 05-May-13 18:03:54

When they were first married, my mum used to make my dad a salad lunchbox everyday for him to take to work. He mentioned one day that she didnt usually dry the lettuce property after washing it.

The result:

Dad making his own lunch for the next 20 years.

fritteringtwit Sun 05-May-13 18:05:51

And my DH has just complained that I havent ironed the duvet cover before putting it back on the bed. I told him if he's that bothered he knows where the iron is but he just looked at me like Im a headcase.

fuzzpig Sun 05-May-13 18:07:19

He sounds really nasty and critical.

Mumsyblouse Sun 05-May-13 18:12:22

My husband did this a few times when I first started being a SAHM when looking after my first dd. I challenged him about it and he said he was trying to be helpful, pointing out better ways to do things (e.g. stack dishwasher, cook food). I said that this was now my job, so if he was ok with that, I'd be popping into his work on Monday with the baby and sitting next to him pointing out all the ways in which he could improve doing his paid work.

Mysteriously, he stopped after that because he knew I really would do it!

Thisvehicleisreversing Sun 05-May-13 18:15:09

DH had a go at me this morning because there weren't any clean boxers in the drawer.

I had a pile of washing that needed putting away and had planned on doing it yesterday. But at 10am yesterday I started digging, weeding, strimming and pruning our very overgrown front garden. I didn't finish till 5pm. DH came out to help briefly for about 20mins.

I never intented to be at it all day but I didn't want to leave it unfinished. By then I only had an hour until I started work at 6pm so didn't exactly have time to faff about with the washing.

I didn't get back in the house and have a proper sit down till 11pm by which time DH was in bed.

I made sure I shouted back louder that "I wasn't his bloody slave and if he wants his bloody pants he knows where he can find them!!"

I do believe he has realised he was in the wrong for going off at me as he has been really nice to me since. grin

VivaLeBeaver Sun 05-May-13 18:21:56

My DH used to moan about my cooking so I stopped cooking for him.

That was about 3 years ago and I haven't cooked a single meal for him since. I cook for me and dd and he can sort himself out.

CoalDustWoman Sun 05-May-13 18:37:41

Reminds me of the Billy Connolly retort to a heckler : Do I come to your work and tell you how to sweep up?

Who the fuck does he think he is?

I'm going away for a week later this year with 3 of my friends whose partners are the same,because of this very reason. I think it would take more like a year, but we'll see.

If your husband had no family, how much stuff would he do for himself, in the basic living sense?

Whathaveiforgottentoday Sun 05-May-13 18:39:10

My dh does this but gets told to fuck off and ' do it your bloody self'. He does it less and less and now thinks twice before criticising. He used to criticise my ironing but he stopped after he ran out of shirts and had to apologise and promise never to criticise my ironing ever again. That was about 5 yrs ago and I have to say he's been good to his word.

BobblyGussets Sun 05-May-13 18:55:27

That's a sad way to live, Viva. Hasn't he grovelled and redeemed himself?

YummyCalpol Sun 05-May-13 18:56:39

My DH does it all the time too. He says I need to learn to take constructive criticism. If I was to tell him to fuck off he probably wouldn't speak to me for weeks...

VivaLeBeaver Sun 05-May-13 19:24:05

Bobbly, no he hasn't. I think he prefers his own cooking. To be honest it works quite well as he doesn't get in till late and doesn't meat, pasta, rice, cheese, eggs either. Whereas I eat meat and pasta most meals!

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