AIBU to have a full time nanny if I have a 3rd child, and for that to be a condition of having a 3rd?

(92 Posts)
TattyDevine Sat 04-May-13 18:33:19

Curious what others think.

On the face of it, I know it makes me sound like a decadent cow, which is not the end of the world.

But here's the history - I have 2 children, aged 3 and 5, love them to bits, a boy and a girl (irrelevant). I had 2 bloody awful pregnancies; pre-eclampsia with both, and placenta praevia with the 2nd. I would be having a C-section if I were to have any more babies. Barely slept for the past 3 months of each pregnancy - in fact it was sweet relief when each newborn arrived, even if they fed 3 times in the night I was still getting better quality sleep than in pregnancy!

I come from a family of 2 children, a boy and a girl, just under 2 years apart. I have basically replicated what my mother did, so it feels complete and right for me. If there were nobody else to consider, I probably wouldn't be thinking about having any more children.

My DH, who is the most wonderful loving father and excellent husband, doesn't feel the family is complete. He came from a family of 3 kids (irrelevant?) and both his sisters had 3 kids (irrelevant?) so perhaps he feels he just hasn't ticked that last box. He absolutely loves babies and children.

However. He doesn't have to carry them, something I wasn't terribly "good" at, and he doesn't have to do the majority of care - he is in a Directors role in the City and with that comes long hours, regular travel, etc etc. This is not going to change nor do I particularly want it to, its how we roll.

The thought of going back to "babyland" - nappies, night feeds, weaning, lugging them about, pushchairs, and everything up till about age 2 where they can do some preschool and reliably walk/run and stop plastering weetabix on the wall...it makes me feel TIRED. But it doesn't mean I don't want a 3rd child - if I could fast forward pregnancy and that first stage I know I would never regret it. I know you can't fast forward it, but how about make it as easy as possible?

A Nanny to either do the school run for the 1st 2 children whilst I lay in bed with the baby in the morning, who can then take the baby if I want to pop out or take it to a baby group or something whilst I get on with some housework or a leisure activity, then maybe have the baby whilst I do the afternoon school run, help with dinner pandemonium and all that malarkey, and leave at 5 with 2 fed older children and a bathed baby...that, I could do.

We can afford it. Husband has said "sure, no worries" - he just wants that 3rd child. Who am I to deny him? Is he wrong for wanting it so much when it is such a hard couple of years for me (whereas he's back at work in 2 weeks and apart from some disturbances at night and changes to the weekend routine...

AIBU? Sorry a bit long, didn't want to leave something majorly relevant out and dripfeed...

TattyDevine Sun 05-May-13 16:14:35

*need a load

TattyDevine Sun 05-May-13 16:13:04

I just needs loads of staff don't I! Can just lie there bearing offspring then (lol) hmmm...yes though, lots of you have said you'd never regret it.

Fact is, once they are there, you just get on with it...

noviceoftheday Sun 05-May-13 14:40:06

Tatty, I am also crap at pregnancies and just getting to 2nd birthday with dc2 who is not a fan of sleep. Dh and I are work full time in demanding jobs and so have spent most of the last 2 years exhausted. With the pregnancy, it's been a hard almost 3 years but there are chinks of light in the tunnel. However, we are still contemplating a third dc. I am 40 (dc1 at 36, dc2 at 38) though so feel I need to make up my mind this year. I already have a nanny. This thread has been interesting for me to read as I am also torn.

my advice is that as you can afford it, a nanny with dc3 (if you have them) would be a no brainier decision for me. Good luck!

Mnetter111 Sun 05-May-13 13:54:42

It's clear most mums know what you mean about the baby phase, I found this the hardest bit and as you say, pg is an awful nightmare for you too. Am also quite indecisive, if you are happy to get out on your own for some of the day, dh is happy for you to get a nanny then yanbu, even if circs changed and you needed to cutback the baby would likely be older.

issimma Sun 05-May-13 13:15:13

Do it!

Ikeameatballs Sun 05-May-13 13:14:43

Sorry for bizarre spellings

i have done exactly this.

pm me if you like.

Bonsoir Sun 05-May-13 13:09:30

Absolutely! It sounds as if a FT nanny, to whom you could delegate all the things you don't want to do, would be the right compromise here.

Ikeameatballs Sun 05-May-13 13:06:53

I would, as Dozer has said and other think about the health stuff too.

I would definitely want a pre-natal meeting with your obstetrician around the risks of pre-eclampsia and placenta praevia in your third pregnancy. I had this after PE and HELLP syndrome with dd and it conformed to me that I wanted another pregnancy (which was fine) but I would really reccommend getting a clear idea of the risks in this case.

I would also think carefully about other health issues, increased risk of twins and disabilty eg Downs syndrome, consequences of a prem birth if likely due to PE and PP.

Nanny, cleaner, gardener and cook.
At the very least wink
Go for it.

firesideskirt Sun 05-May-13 12:44:50

I've got 3 and would recommend a nanny/housekeeper or a mother's help. Any of those can safely do a school run or an activity class as well as making your home and laundry clean and tidy. I am a big fan of lots of help but would not want someone who was paid to do the fun stuff with the kids while I did housework/tidying up. If you don't work yourself I would say you want someone very flexible. It may be a bit cheaper as well. Unless you already have a housekeeper that is...

Maggie111 Sun 05-May-13 10:33:06

I think a nanny is an excellent idea! Sod all the guilt about having one - why not?! If you were a high flying exec you'd need a PA. Why not have some help when you can afford it and know that it will give your family what they want.

RainbowSpiral Sun 05-May-13 10:24:41

I'd only agree to have a third child if you want a thrid pregnancy and baby and can manage on the nanny's day off.

CheerfulYank Sun 05-May-13 02:35:32

Afru don't worry, I quoted the same Gwyneth article further up grin

stopgap Sun 05-May-13 01:18:36

I only have one toddler DC, but have already said that I'd like a "mother's helper" for the second, as we have no family close by, and I developed an autoimmune condition after my first pregnancy, which still plays up from time to time, and I'm sure would play up tremendously after having another child. So no, I don't think YABU in the least.

I do like my privacy, though, hence I'd prefer a mother's helper for five hours a day, say, rather than someone under my feet the whole time.

Disappearing Sun 05-May-13 01:08:50

YANBU, that sounds like a great plan.

My mum has told me she regrets not having more than 2 kids, she also told me I was a PITA as a baby. Personally I'm happy with just 2 DC, because I know my limitations, and I'm not in the position where a nanny would be an option. However if I could have a third child who arrived as a happy 2yo then I would do so.

How about getting a housekeeper rather than nanny though, but make the role flexible so that your employee could do a bit of dropping off and picking up also?

wreckitralph Sun 05-May-13 00:58:31

FYI my DH won't agree to a 3rd baby. We had a lot of stress with no.2 pregnancy and he says "he can't go through all that again" like he was the one with the troubled pregnancy!!!!! I would love to have a 3rd but he said NO.

Instead he has agreed that I can get a dog hmm That will be my 3rd baby.

wreckitralph Sun 05-May-13 00:55:50

If you can afford another child then I say go for it.
YANBU to have a nanny. One of the things I hate most are martyr mums. If you can afford help - take it. Years ago mums would have their own mum, aunties and sisters and in-laws helping out. It takes a village to raise a child. Don't feel guilty, go for it.

Softlysoftly Sun 05-May-13 00:49:34

I have always said though I love my babies to tiny bits and enjoyed pregnancy/labour, I would be happiest with:

3 month pg (the middle non pukey/non elephant months)

10 minute pain free labour

Handed a 2 year old

So until that happens yanbu!

I'm not sure about you btw but this thread and particularly the stories/envision your family bits have pushed me into deciding to have dc3 which I was erming about! and to work my ass off to pay a mothers help

bellabelly Sun 05-May-13 00:48:35

Reading your thread, I want to say yes go for it! BUT just a thought... how would you feel if it's not one baby but twins? I love having 4 kids but bloody hell it's bee hard work (2 sets of twins here). It's maybe not going to be relevant but do remember that it might not be "baby no 3" - it might be more! Does that change your feelings at all?

foreverondiet Sat 04-May-13 23:44:39

If you can afford it, and if you want to have a 3rd child why not?

If you really don't want to have a 3rd child then don't agree.

I think a full time nanny when you not working and older 2 at school is a lot of "help", so make VERY sure the person you employ has a good attitude and is prepared to clean your house too wink!!!!

With the right help shouldn't be too hard - and make sure your DH agrees to help at weekend.

MoominsYonisAreScary Sat 04-May-13 23:44:06

If I was you I would. No two pg are the same, I've had some bloody awful ones and some that were ok (hate being pg) same with babies, my 13 week old is by far the easiest, sleeps well and is really happy (so far)

If we could afford help I'd probably have another

BeaWheesht Sat 04-May-13 23:40:22

If you can afford it and want to then go for it.

I had hyperemesis and SPD in pregnancies as well as PND. If it weren't for the PND I'd have another one or two (have a ds and dd).

I personally wouldn't go for a nanny because I'm a control freak I can't be doing with people in my house but if I could afford to move closer to family so they could be there if thins were bad I'd definitely have more.

Snazzynewyear Sat 04-May-13 23:36:41

Agree that the nanny is a no brainer, if you yourself actually want a third but don't want the extreme pressure of all day and all night care of an under-two. But I would just echo what a pp said - is your husband's job secure? If this all rests on uncertain bonuses, or the sector is unusually volatile atm, I would hesitate if that would shunt you into the situation you really want to avoid.

louisianablue2000 Sat 04-May-13 23:23:37

Or should that be one to one even.

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