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AIBU to have a full time nanny if I have a 3rd child, and for that to be a condition of having a 3rd?

(92 Posts)
TattyDevine Sat 04-May-13 18:33:19

Curious what others think.

On the face of it, I know it makes me sound like a decadent cow, which is not the end of the world.

But here's the history - I have 2 children, aged 3 and 5, love them to bits, a boy and a girl (irrelevant). I had 2 bloody awful pregnancies; pre-eclampsia with both, and placenta praevia with the 2nd. I would be having a C-section if I were to have any more babies. Barely slept for the past 3 months of each pregnancy - in fact it was sweet relief when each newborn arrived, even if they fed 3 times in the night I was still getting better quality sleep than in pregnancy!

I come from a family of 2 children, a boy and a girl, just under 2 years apart. I have basically replicated what my mother did, so it feels complete and right for me. If there were nobody else to consider, I probably wouldn't be thinking about having any more children.

My DH, who is the most wonderful loving father and excellent husband, doesn't feel the family is complete. He came from a family of 3 kids (irrelevant?) and both his sisters had 3 kids (irrelevant?) so perhaps he feels he just hasn't ticked that last box. He absolutely loves babies and children.

However. He doesn't have to carry them, something I wasn't terribly "good" at, and he doesn't have to do the majority of care - he is in a Directors role in the City and with that comes long hours, regular travel, etc etc. This is not going to change nor do I particularly want it to, its how we roll.

The thought of going back to "babyland" - nappies, night feeds, weaning, lugging them about, pushchairs, and everything up till about age 2 where they can do some preschool and reliably walk/run and stop plastering weetabix on the wall...it makes me feel TIRED. But it doesn't mean I don't want a 3rd child - if I could fast forward pregnancy and that first stage I know I would never regret it. I know you can't fast forward it, but how about make it as easy as possible?

A Nanny to either do the school run for the 1st 2 children whilst I lay in bed with the baby in the morning, who can then take the baby if I want to pop out or take it to a baby group or something whilst I get on with some housework or a leisure activity, then maybe have the baby whilst I do the afternoon school run, help with dinner pandemonium and all that malarkey, and leave at 5 with 2 fed older children and a bathed baby...that, I could do.

We can afford it. Husband has said "sure, no worries" - he just wants that 3rd child. Who am I to deny him? Is he wrong for wanting it so much when it is such a hard couple of years for me (whereas he's back at work in 2 weeks and apart from some disturbances at night and changes to the weekend routine...

AIBU? Sorry a bit long, didn't want to leave something majorly relevant out and dripfeed...

Bobyan Sat 04-May-13 19:15:46

Are you me? I would love a third DC but I just can't face another pregnancy...

flossy101 Sat 04-May-13 19:15:49

Absolutely. If I was in your position and could afford it, I would probably have four/five kids and a full time nanny! Don't think attaching conditions to your pregnancy matters, I would go for it, if you feel it's right for your family.

It doesn't have to be about having conditions attached - it's just about being practical.

Many people time a third so that the eldest are at school so to make life easier.

I had a nanny two days a week when I had my second (well we just kept our nanny on while I was on maternity leave). Thank god we did as dc2 was a nightmare baby - she didn't do the whole sleepy newborn thing! Low point was her waking every 20 mins at night shock I could barely function some days with a toddler in tow.

So do what works for your family.

Although I will add while practically it was great to have our nanny, my eldest (and I) found it hard because he didnt understand why mummy wasn't looking after him even though I was home. He wanted to be with me and his baby sister.

do it. I think we most of us would be like the Beckhams/Pitts if we could afford the support. I would in a heartbeat. You can afford it, do it.smile

MrsCampbellBlack Sat 04-May-13 19:19:43

You see I don't the third child is a doddle at all. My 3rd was born when number 2 was 19 months and it just meant I had years of pregnancy/bf/pregnancy/bf and no sleep.

Its the sleep deprivation that does me and also I'm not great at pregnancy.

I know lots of families with SAHM and nannies, in fact - I was seen as being very odd at school not to have any type of childcare help hmm

But I think the main thing is you sort of know deep down if you want another or not. My 3rd wasn't planned but I'm very glad about my surprise baby and never considered for a moment not having that baby. But now, there is no way I'd have any more children, that door has most definitely closed.

MrsMook Sat 04-May-13 19:24:05

Go for it. It's affordable and would make your life easier.

I've had PGP making the 3rd tri very difficult for both my pregnancies. Fortunately my CS (and symptoms of PE) was with my first birth, not the second with toddler to look after too. Trying to look after small children and a home when your body's not co-operating is tough. If a nanny will help you enjoy having a 3rd child more then go for it.

Mr Mook is currently more cautious than me about the thought of a 3rd child, and the main reason is coping with a return of PGP.

Dededum Sat 04-May-13 19:25:29

When I had our second baby, I employed a fabby mothers help part time, then when I went back to work she was full time nanny.

A full time nanny when you are around could be a bit suffocating. Think of it more as pick and mix childcare / cleaner.

PlasticLentilWeaver Sat 04-May-13 19:27:26

Sounds ideal to me. I am one of three and feel my family isn't complete with two, but at the same time I am stretched to the limit already as I work full time and 2 is tough enough. I would jump at a third if we could afford a nanny. I also find pregnancy hard but it is such a short time in the big picture.

nannynick Sat 04-May-13 19:28:55

Having a nanny could help you recover from the C section faster, as the nanny could do the running around for the older children, plus care for baby some of the time.

If you can afford it and if you can find a nanny who does not mind working with a parent at home (some really want sole charge but many will work alongside) then why not. It gives someone else a job and gives you time to recover and then to spend quality time with each child.

MrsCampbellBlack Sat 04-May-13 19:31:34

Yes the recovery from c-section is very valid. My 3rd took a lot longer to recover from and help would have been wonderful.

I love having 3, especially as youngest is nearly 4.

YANBU to have a nanny. However, are you really sure, having had two high-risk pregnancies, that it's a good idea to have a third if you're ambivalent about the idea of another baby? Every pregnancy is risky to a woman's health, some more than others. Might be worth at least getting an expert opinion on how much of a risk a third pregnancy would be to you.

jazzandh Sat 04-May-13 19:39:32

What about adoption? Could that work for you?

Shellywelly1973 Sat 04-May-13 19:50:19

I think you've come up with a good solution to a complex issue.

If i had the money i would have a nanny, cleaner & gardner....

ladythatlunches Sat 04-May-13 19:51:47

I have 5 children. Believe it or not I have never thought about a nanny ... till reading this thread.

I was coming to read and think 'Pffft who couldn't cope with 3 kids' then reading you op I think why the hell not and why the hell haven't I thought of it.

Life is hard enough if you can afford to doit go for it sounds like you would probably enjoy having a third more with help.

Staggers off to look for nannys...

TattyDevine Sat 04-May-13 19:56:37

Thank you everyone. Rootypig particularly; the "I'd be more worried if you wanted a baby and not a toddler" is jumping out at me. Its honestly not a 3rd addition that bothers me at all...its just that hard first bit at my age (I'll be 37 in November, 38 minimum by the time its born, mother nature willing, and 40 by the time it reaches that "magic" age of 2 ish.

Lots of people say the 3rd slots in.

Love the falling off a chair (sorry) and the trying to wake. We are all human!

I can handle a bit of that but too much daily drudge, lack of hands on support and fatigue will spiral me into depression...I had pneumonia 2 years ago after swine flu and that tipped me into mild depression, I never had PND but don't want to be too challenged, no matter how much he or I or both want the child. We have also asked our existing 2 children who would love a sibling.

Dozer Sat 04-May-13 20:02:27

Have you had medical advice about another pregnancy (eg risk of pre-eclampsia again)? For me, in a similar situation (but no nanny option sadly!) this info really helped the decision. My GP wrote to the NHS consultant who delivered Dc2, who reviewed my notes, had an appointment and discussed the risks etc, then wrote to GP / me in follow-up.

We decided not to have DC3.

TattyDevine Sat 04-May-13 20:02:46

This is it, Ladythatlunches, imagine school holidays, school runs, those little difficult patches of the day, that don't necessarily go on all day, that could just have that load shared.

That said it might be a pain having someone in the house I guess, in which you either go out by yourself, with the baby on your own, or make use of the nanny being there and get her to take baby out whilst you chill - because there is still lots of parenting to be done outside the hours of 8-5, its not like the baby won't know you or whatever! In fact, chances are you are dealing with one or other child and she is dealing with another child or baby...

You could be all super planny and make time for each child to have one on one time with you each week (so its not necessarily about offloading either!)

Hmmm. Still can't decide but its on the "next spring decide" list.

ladythatlunches Sat 04-May-13 20:06:33

I have 3 under 2 (twins) and ik sitting here thinking while do I struggle. I can't go out on my own unless I get a tripple buggy but then I cant get on bus or fot through doors.

My two older ones are at school but life isvery hectic.

Something has to give. Im looking now at how to find a good one etc.

MrsCampbellBlack Sat 04-May-13 20:10:27

Actually the someone else in your house is a big thing - it nearly drove one of my friends crazy.

Another friend has someone to do the school run in the morning for the older two and then the witching hours post-school, along with cleaner etc. This seems to work well as she doesn't feel suffocated but gets the help she needs.

lotsofcheese Sat 04-May-13 20:17:50

I'd be requesting a consultant referral to discuss the health implications of a future pregnancy, given that you've had PE twice already.

YANBU in terms of a nanny though!

CheerfulYank Sat 04-May-13 20:19:40

I say go for it. smile

Gwyneth P, whom I normally loathe, said "someone told me not to plan my family around the pain in the ass that is infancy, because it's so finite. Plan it around how many people you want at Thanksgiving." I kind of liked that.

TattyDevine Sat 04-May-13 20:21:30

Interesting about the PE - it was no bloody picnic AT ALL. I looked and felt like Jabba the Hut and god knows what was going on inside my body.

Like the school run then witching hour thing. That's a good idea if a full time nanny is too much (thought might be hard to manage). That said, a full time nanny in the last 3 months of pregnancy and the first 6 months could never be a bad thing!

YummyCalpol Sat 04-May-13 20:29:18

I would think it would be quite hard to find a nanny. Many nannies aren't keen on clients that don't work but still want full time childcare, and you may find a nanny is a bit disapproving of you

MrsCampbellBlack Sat 04-May-13 20:32:02

I'm not sure the nanny would disapprove but I can imagine it wouldn't be an ideal job, having the boss so ever-present.

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