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AIBU to have a full time nanny if I have a 3rd child, and for that to be a condition of having a 3rd?

(92 Posts)
TattyDevine Sat 04-May-13 18:33:19

Curious what others think.

On the face of it, I know it makes me sound like a decadent cow, which is not the end of the world.

But here's the history - I have 2 children, aged 3 and 5, love them to bits, a boy and a girl (irrelevant). I had 2 bloody awful pregnancies; pre-eclampsia with both, and placenta praevia with the 2nd. I would be having a C-section if I were to have any more babies. Barely slept for the past 3 months of each pregnancy - in fact it was sweet relief when each newborn arrived, even if they fed 3 times in the night I was still getting better quality sleep than in pregnancy!

I come from a family of 2 children, a boy and a girl, just under 2 years apart. I have basically replicated what my mother did, so it feels complete and right for me. If there were nobody else to consider, I probably wouldn't be thinking about having any more children.

My DH, who is the most wonderful loving father and excellent husband, doesn't feel the family is complete. He came from a family of 3 kids (irrelevant?) and both his sisters had 3 kids (irrelevant?) so perhaps he feels he just hasn't ticked that last box. He absolutely loves babies and children.

However. He doesn't have to carry them, something I wasn't terribly "good" at, and he doesn't have to do the majority of care - he is in a Directors role in the City and with that comes long hours, regular travel, etc etc. This is not going to change nor do I particularly want it to, its how we roll.

The thought of going back to "babyland" - nappies, night feeds, weaning, lugging them about, pushchairs, and everything up till about age 2 where they can do some preschool and reliably walk/run and stop plastering weetabix on the wall...it makes me feel TIRED. But it doesn't mean I don't want a 3rd child - if I could fast forward pregnancy and that first stage I know I would never regret it. I know you can't fast forward it, but how about make it as easy as possible?

A Nanny to either do the school run for the 1st 2 children whilst I lay in bed with the baby in the morning, who can then take the baby if I want to pop out or take it to a baby group or something whilst I get on with some housework or a leisure activity, then maybe have the baby whilst I do the afternoon school run, help with dinner pandemonium and all that malarkey, and leave at 5 with 2 fed older children and a bathed baby...that, I could do.

We can afford it. Husband has said "sure, no worries" - he just wants that 3rd child. Who am I to deny him? Is he wrong for wanting it so much when it is such a hard couple of years for me (whereas he's back at work in 2 weeks and apart from some disturbances at night and changes to the weekend routine...

AIBU? Sorry a bit long, didn't want to leave something majorly relevant out and dripfeed...

HollyBerryBush Sat 04-May-13 18:36:29

Depends. Do you want a 3rd child? If you don't then I wouldn't be planning one. Personally, I'm no ones brood mare, so unless you are Kate Middleton breeding to order, then I wouldn't put myself through that physical trauma.

On the other hand if you are open to the idea and want a third and feel a nanny would help you achieve that goal, then do it.

TattyDevine Sat 04-May-13 18:38:17

There is a bit of the brood mare about it I agree Holly, and that's mainly because its him that's driving it. Do I want a 3rd child? Yes. Do I want 9 months of pregnancy and 2 years of babyworld? No. Do I want to fast forward to about 2, 2 and a half and look back and say "I'm so glad we went for it" - yes.

He's not wrong for wanting a third child you're not wrong for not wanting one.

If you think you could cope with another baby if you had a nanny, why not?

I have 2 boys & DH is muttering about a third, I've told him he'd have to leave work to help me if we did & we just can't afford that so that was the end of the discussion.

But you need to seriously think about it before coming to a final decision (but I'm sure you know that already!)

mrsslc Sat 04-May-13 18:40:33

If you can afford it, and feel that you would be comfortable with your arrangements, then why not! Every family is different, do what's best for yours!

DontmindifIdo Sat 04-May-13 18:43:21

Most people I know who went back to work and hired a nanny after the first, have kept the nanny for the second maternity leave rather than lose a good nanny and have to rehire after a year, meaning they can focus on the new baby and not upset the older DC's routines.

If it's the only way you feel you can cope with having a third and can easily afford it, then go for it.

If you don't really need full office hours, then you might find there's a lot of nannies who are looking for parttime roles to fit round other parttime roles with other families and/or study.

samandi Sat 04-May-13 18:44:04

Of course YANBU to make that a condition. But are you sure you really want another? Agree with the poster above - there's no way I'd be doing it. But it's your call.

Longdistance Sat 04-May-13 18:44:17

Maybe ask him if he wants to do the pregnancy bit for you???..............

Erm, maybe not then.

Nanny sounds like a good idea to me though.

MarshaBrady Sat 04-May-13 18:44:56

I'd say it's more about whether you really want a third child than getting a nanny.

Get a nanny it's fine, I know loads that do.

samandi Sat 04-May-13 18:45:47

Sorry replied before above. If you want another baby and can afford a nanny to do all the baby work and make life easier - then there doesn't seem to be a problem.

Theironfistofarkus Sat 04-May-13 18:47:48

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable to get a nanny. Go for it!

marriedinwhiteagain Sat 04-May-13 18:47:58

Not in the least bit unreasonable. I could have taken the decision you are making. I didn't have the courage and looking back with two lovely older teenagers it is the biggest regret of my life. Go for it.

TattyDevine Sat 04-May-13 18:48:51

Yes, I guess the real question is does having conditions attached to considering pregnancy matter? Deep down I think probably it doesn't, because it isn't the idea of a 3rd child in the family that bothers me at all, its the crap that is pregnancy (made much easier if I can rest whenever I want in the last 3 months because I have a nanny to deal with my children) and the drudge of weaning and just general conveyorbelt feeding/changing/napping etc that somehow just passes and gets suddenly easier at 2.

See, 2 year olds and toddlers and pre-schoolers and school aged kids are fine! Its the mega hands on care of babies that does me.

Tryharder Sat 04-May-13 18:53:27

Sounds like a no-brainer to me. I would have an army of kids if I were in your position. smile

TheseFoolishThings Sat 04-May-13 18:53:39

I'm past worrying about all this stuff grin but if I were you and at that stage of my life, and could afford it - hell yes! Yes yes yes! I say do it!

TattyDevine Sat 04-May-13 19:00:55

Thanks for all your thoughts. Do keep your anecdotes, experience, general brain dumps on the concept coming, thanks!

" if I could fast forward pregnancy and that first stage I know I would never regret it."
Stop beating yourself up. You've had two stressful pregnancies, and a nanny would allow your third to be a lot better. It's practical, you can afford it and your husband has already agreed.

rootypig Sat 04-May-13 19:02:25

YANBU. It sounds as though you'd like a third child, just not sure you can handle the baby years without a lot of help. Well, fine. You already have two DCs and you know what you're talking about. The baby years are hard, many people feel that way. I'd be more worried if you wanted a baby and not the child, iyswim. If you're worried that people think a full time nanny for a SAHP is excessive, it really is none of their business. If you can afford it and it's what your family needs, knock yourself out. As for conditions attached to pregnancy..... surely that's just the nature of building a family? I have 1 DC and before I have the second DH will be agreeing to a bloody hymn book of conditions-!

Go for it, and get the nanny in from when you're halfway through the pregnancy, at minimum, so you can put your feet up.

rootypig Sat 04-May-13 19:03:18

ps I hate pregnancy too grin

MarshaBrady Sat 04-May-13 19:04:28

I've thought similar. I'd have a third if we can get help, or I'm at work. I've done two long baby and toddler years, I think it's absolutely fine to put this condition on the third.

littlepeas Sat 04-May-13 19:11:03

I would have done this without a second thought if we could have afforded it. I sometimes ponder it now (although we still can't afford it) thinking along the lines of the nanny being able to help me with the 'drudge' work, so I can focus more on the nice bits! YANBU.

Theironfistofarkus Sat 04-May-13 19:12:00

I have 3 young DC and had a nanny during mat leaves 2 and 3. I have not found the jump from 2 to 3 particularly hard (perhaps because of the nanny!).

I actually still spent almost all my time with my Dc. Having the nanny meant though that I could have a shower and go for a run for half an hour if I wanted. She could cook lunch for my DC while I played with them. It really did mean I could spend more quality time with my DC and I was much happier for it.

zoobaby Sat 04-May-13 19:12:27

Sounds like my ideal situation. I often apportion funds for this very scenario out of my fantasy lottery winnings grin. As long as baby is wanted and brought into a loving and caring home then all should be great.

But what type of nanny will you get? One of those cheapo glorified baby sitters who need instructions for absolutely everything, or a proper bells-and-whistles one who knows everything and will teach you a thing or two?

Maryz Cote D'Ivoire Sat 04-May-13 19:13:11

Third children are a doddle.

You are used to living in a pit, managing on no sleep, and spending half your life in tracksuits. And they get weaned onto smarties and cat food, and happily spend hours falling asleep in the car/pram as you pick up the kids from activities and school.

The rest of their time is spent watching said older kids play at home.

Third children stop that awful 2 plus 2 thing you often see in families - dad with older child and mum with younger, or dad with dd and mum with ds etc. Putting a third child in the mix makes everything more interesting.

BUT pregnancy is tough when you have two little ones. I got pregnant when ds1 was 2.5, dd was under 1.

One day I woke up on the sofa to find dd screaming - she had been sick in her cot. I asked ds why he didn't wake me, and he told me he tried, but couldn't. Another day I fell asleep and fell off a chair, because i was exhausted.

So go for a third (if you want one) but get help (if you can afford it).

Maybe not a full-time nanny though. What you really need is a part-time granny and a cleaner. A granny to spend time with your older children, to read them stories and to hold the baby while you have a shower. And a cleaner so you can enjoy them all.

I employed a local woman to come in two mornings a week; the intention was that she would be a cleaner, but in fact she became a part-time childminder/granny/ironer/clear up the shambles-er. She was a life-saver, and became a surrogate granny for my three - they still see her now, 15 years later.

Queenofknickers Sat 04-May-13 19:15:43

Sounds reasonable BUT what if things change and (hope not obvs) your circumstances become different and can't afford it any more?

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