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To really upset DH and insist DD does not go with him to spend a weekend with her revolting jezza kyle style grandparents?

(133 Posts)
pinksmarties13 Sat 04-May-13 00:07:43

Namechanged as I forgot my password, but:

I joined this site at xmas time asking for advice in dealing with my incredibly rude in-laws, who were making their 10 day xmas visit even more unbearable than usual. ( particular "issues," included but were not limited too: pretending to vomit up food at the dinner table if I put vegetables on their plates, continuing to light up and smoke in the house when asked not to, graphic, loud descriptions of their sex life in front of my extended family and children, constant racist outbursts and sulking when I wouldn't provide their favourite food/ fry ups etc.)

Anyway after I eventually told them to reign in their behaviour, I got into a very upsetting argument with my MIL who made some disgusting comments about my sex life and then abused both me and my 14 year old niece over facebook, ( she told my niece she hoped she died of AIDs.)

Unsurprisingly we have not spoken since the event, and until last week they refused to speak to DH either, as in the end he sided with me over them. This complete lack of contact was rather nice, HOWEVER:

MIL has recently contacted DH to inform him that FIL has slept with a much younger neighbour, (who is also a distant cousin of DH's from his mothers side.) MIL and FIL plan to stay together, but MIL is having difficulty living in such close vicinity to the "lucky lady." She has admitted to DH that to try and persuade the woman to move, ( woman is married and has two young kids,) she has been regularly throwing open bags of rubbish into her garden, shouting at her whenever she walks past, ( including when she has children with her,) and when she (MIL,) was drunk one night earlier this week she went out and pissed in her garden. ( It goes without saying I'm mortified my children are related to her.) She has also been cautioned by the police after she slapped this woman in front of witnesses.

It is against this backdrop that DH, is being asked to go down and "mediate," for the weekend, as said family have made complaints to the council and FIL is worried they will lose their home. DH feels he should go, ( probably because the thought of his homeless parents turning up on our door is terrifying,) however they want DD to come down to "see them as they can't see her now the ginger bitch (me,) won't let them in." They have no interest in my son staying as he has a different biological father.

Now whilst I normally agree with grandparent-child bonds, and DD wouldn't miss anytime off school, I really feel this is a completely inappropriate environment to take a child into, and am refusing to let her go. DH is really upset with me however, and says whilst he knows his parents are dysfunctional and rude their not child abusers and deserve a chance to spend time with their grandchildren. He does agree it's no longer appropriate for them to come to our house.

so AIBU to say it might not inconvenience me, their not child abusers but I just don't want my child exposed to this environment>

diddl Sat 04-May-13 07:51:36

I think that you should all steer clear & take out a restraining order or something to keep them awa.

At the very least if it's police & "mediation", of course your daughter shouldn't be involved.

Are the GPs thinking that that will give them brownie points??

Personally I'd be tempted to tell my husband if he went he needn't come back.

They're only interested in what he might be able to do for their own ends by the sound of it.

Thumbwitch Sat 04-May-13 07:52:42

YANBU - but wtaf is your DH thinking to even be going himself? He's not going to achieve anything positive, is he - he'll be caught between a rock and a hard place and will probably be roundly abused by all 3 of the buggers!

Frankly I think you should all just pull the plug on them and leave them to rot in their own foetid mess.

If your DH absolutely has to go (and I can't imagine why) then no way should your DD be exposed to this. If he can't see that already, then he needs to think about what's best for HER, not for him, nor his appalling progenitors.

NonnoMum Sat 04-May-13 07:53:42

If ANYONE referred to me as a bitch, (ginger, blonde, brunette, otherwise) they would have broken the bonds of civilised relationships and would pay they price by having NO contact with me (or my dd). Your DH needs to stand up for you. Forget them. Too rude and crazy to bother with.

Altinkum Sat 04-May-13 08:00:34

I wouldn't just simply because of the ginger bitch comment! And that's without anything else.

Simply say NO.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sat 04-May-13 08:02:43

No, just no.

They sound hideous.

Corygal Sat 04-May-13 08:06:27

It does sound funny and you do sound right. I wouldn't let DD go - DH can say he won't get any mediating done when doing childcare, as an excuse (if you need one).

I would explain to DH that DD is just too young to cope with their antics.

FIL is right - PIL may well lose their home. At least that's good news.

YADNBU. Even if they were naicer, it is completely inappropriate to take a child to adult mediation.

I think focusing on that (rather than "your mother is a toxic bitch") should get through to him better. Good luck!

SanityClause Sat 04-May-13 08:12:10

Ask your DH, if these people weren't family, would he be happy for DD to go? You know, if they really were some randoms off Jezza.

Also show him this thread with its 100% agreement on the subject. I mean, on MN, people start telling each other to fuck off to the far side of fuck for using a toilet brush, or putting the jam on before the cream on a scone. The only time MNers ever agree on something is if it's an important child protection issue.

MagratOfStolat Sat 04-May-13 08:18:35

Oh.......my........goodness.............

Words utterly fail me...!

So your DH wants to take DD there?! Yeah! Sure! Why not? Afterwards maybe you could go to B&Q and play with the powertools unsupervised? And then call in the local KFC skip for lunch? And then before you have to leave, how about playing hide-and-seek in the middle of a busy road?

hmm

DH is being ridiculous. I'd be an immovable object on this. Dig your heels in and then plan something more fun for the day!

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sat 04-May-13 08:23:23

I remember your thread too!

No, just no!!

And I would calmly list all the behaviours that she has done over this other woman and ask DH if he wants dd involved with this. because if he is going to mediate then, this is not the best time to also try to sort out the family issues!

If they are serious about seeing her, I would have thought it is best he goes there first, sets out a few ground rules and builds it up slowly rather than dragging her into an already highly charged atmosphere.

And one of the ground rules has to be to stop slagging you off!

Fecklessdizzy Sat 04-May-13 08:23:48

Totally agree with everyone else ... If your DH wants to venture into the war zone he should definitely leave your DD at home! He and the pondlife lovely PILs can take her to the zoo or something when the dust settles.

redexpat Sat 04-May-13 08:25:51

Is it in the best interests of DD to go and stay during a mediation?

No.

There's your answer. And I remember that Christmas thread of yours. I really feel for you.

HerrenaHarridan Sat 04-May-13 08:27:52

Ffs! What kind if parent would knowingly drag his dd into the middle of that debacle!

I might have said something different if he was just going for an afternoons chat and catch up with the unsavoury relatives, but he's going to try and prevent the police evicting them for anti-social behaviour!

HerrenaHarridan Sat 04-May-13 08:28:44

Ps yanbu.

Pps book flights ASAP!

DeskPlanner Sat 04-May-13 08:39:08

You are totally NBU. Don't let her go. Poor girl. How old are your ds and dd ?

sweetestcup Sat 04-May-13 08:58:11

DH is really upset with me however, and says whilst he knows his parents are dysfunctional and rude their not child abusers and deserve a chance to spend time with their grandchildren

Well thats debatable I think - ok they may not physically abuse your DD but I think their behaviour could be classified as a degree of indirect emotional abuse because of what they do and say about you and your DS OP and the whole chaotic dysfunction of their lives really. Theres no way you DD wont get exposed to this when shes there without you, god knows what she would have to put up with.

diddl Sat 04-May-13 09:01:52

Can't believe he thinks that they deserve time with their GC, let alone that he actually wants them to have it!!

PunkHedgehog Sat 04-May-13 09:15:06

I agree exactly with sweetestcup and diddl. And in the longer term you really need to get him to see that there's a big gap between simply 'not being child abusers' and actually being suitable people for your children to spend time with. And unravel exactly why he thinks they 'deserve' to see your child.

However, in the short term stick to one simple point. He is going to mediate in a violent dispute. That is not an appropriate thing for a child to take part in. Therefore she will not go on this visit. No argument.

Don't get drawn into wider discussions at this point. Violence, police = child not going. Repeat as often as necessary.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sat 04-May-13 09:17:31

diddl, I can if he grew up in it and this has been his way of dealing with it all his life.

OpheliasWeepingWillow Sat 04-May-13 09:18:03

I'd divorce my DH before I let me DD spend time with people like that.

Sympathies OP - they sound freaking VILE

whatamardarse Sat 04-May-13 09:18:13

I'm shocked DH is actually putting his parents needs before your dd,ds and yours after all that's happened!

No way would I let any if my children be around such toxic hideous unhealthy creatures. It wouldn't even be up for discussion.

I would honestly say, if you need to go and be dragged back in to that toxicity, then crack on but your not taking dd, and if its an issue, don't come back!

I'd be furious he was even getting involved tbh.

TerrysAllGold Sat 04-May-13 09:25:39

"DH is really upset with me however, and says whilst he knows his parents are dysfunctional and rude their not child abusers"

Your mother in law told a 14 year old that she hoped the child would die of AIDS. That is child abuse.

If it was my husband who couldn't see that I'd be very worried. If it was my husband who wanted to take my child to stay with this woman I'd be telling him that it would happen over my dead body and to choose between his mother and his wife and child and that if he chose the former he'd be in receipt of divorce papers the following week. I wouldn't be joking either.

TheBigJessie Sat 04-May-13 09:30:30

A "mediation" between three very angry adults, plus police station visits is not an appropriate environment for a child. If police involvement of any level is required, they will look even more Jezza than they already do, having dragged along an unnecessary grandchild for the sake of appearances and upping the numbers.

The whole thing is unlikely to go well. A mediator needs to be someone both parties respect as a neutral professional. (Preferably one who's trained to recognise unreasonable behaviour and respond calmly, not conditioned to take the side of one set of parties. In this case, his mother and father.) Even if your husband can do his best to be neutral, his parents will expect him to take their side. If he is in anyway neutral, and mediator-y, they will probably verbally abuse him, and see it as their right to do so.
The plus point of all this is, that your husband may never speak to them again after this weekend!

He may be calling it mediation, but the neighbour could well see him as yet another family member ganging up on her to intimidate her.

Best case scenario for this weekend is that he apologises fervently on their behalf, and says, "I think they've learnt their lesson" and she believes him. (And she'd be a fool to do so!)

No child should be anywhere near this. I can understand why your husband thinks this kind of stuff is normal. (Been there, done that.) But it isn't.

diddl Sat 04-May-13 09:31:38

"diddl, I can if he grew up in it and this has been his way of dealing with it all his life."

OK, I can see that.

Fortunately, it's not just his decision where the welfare of his daughter is concerned.

Hopefully he will at least see that he's going there to try to sort something out.

It's not a social call where the daughter's presence is appropriate or necessary.

piprabbit Sat 04-May-13 09:33:53

It is going to be a difficult, emotional weekend, trying to resolve some terrible behaviours. Your PILs have form for struggling to cope reasonably in stressful situations.

Your DH needs to be able to focus on helping his parents.

Your DD can visit (if appropriate) when things are calmer.

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