friend has deleted me from facebook and told me I'm selfish

(101 Posts)
bananaandpear Fri 03-May-13 18:44:25

My XDH and I split last year, during this time I became close to a lady who is older than me and found myself confiding in her a lot. Her DH works away, and she has no family local so she spent Christmas with me and my 2 DSs.

After I split with XH, I got a new DP, and also am applying for college courses (am on benefits at the moment but don't see this being a long term thing.)

So meanwhile friend is going through fertility treatment and we haven't really spoken for a while, I put this down to being busy and so on, but then I sent her a message on facebook yesterday cause I saw she'd updated her status saying she'd had a tough day and she only just replied.

She says she understands I've been busy but she'd been a bit hurt that I hadn't bothered asking her about her or her treatment for ages, also that I haven't contacted another friend who has cervical cancer and "she would have appreciated this a lot" that I still owed her quite a lot of money "I don't enjoy doing this but I really feel in some respects you've been a bit selfish"

Clearly having 2 young DCs and collage I am busy so AIBU?

YANBU for being busy. Yabvu for not paying back the money you owe her.

flipchart Fri 03-May-13 18:47:36

Yes you are. How long does it take to ring a friend up?

SirBoobAlot Fri 03-May-13 18:47:37

Well... Is she right? Do you owe her money? Have you contacted your friend with cancer? Have you asked how she is getting on with her treatment?

LadyBeagleEyes Fri 03-May-13 18:50:53

YABU. Very.
She was there for you during your break up, now your life has turned round you're not there for her.
She's going through fertility treatment and your friend has cervical cancer but you're too busy? hmm
And you owe her money.
You sound lovely Op.

bananaandpear Fri 03-May-13 18:51:06

The money thing is difficult, as I didn't realise she wanted it back, what it was was she paid for a trip for both of us on her card, the trip was somewhere she wanted to go as she wanted to see a clinic about her fertility issues so I thought she just wanted a mate, I didn't realise she wanted the money really and am on benefits so can't really afford it.

The friend with cancer stopped speaking to me a while back so can't contact her now anyway. It just felt like she was using any excuse.

TidyDancer Fri 03-May-13 18:51:09

Tbh, if what she's said is accurate, then yes, YABU.

College and two children is not an excuse for not contacting a poorly friend, or for owing someone money and not paying it back.

TheSecondComing Fri 03-May-13 18:52:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyBeagleEyes Fri 03-May-13 18:53:30

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Hassled Fri 03-May-13 18:53:40

I can see that none of this was deliberate on your part - but I also think you maybe need to have a long hard think about how you may be coming across to other people. We're all busy - we all have jobs/kids/whathaveyou.

CaptainSweatPants Fri 03-May-13 18:54:35

So two friends have stopped speaking to you ?

usualsuspect Fri 03-May-13 18:55:07

It doesn't take long to send a text or make a phone call.

scratchandsniff Fri 03-May-13 18:55:40

Have you stopped to think she might be making a valid point. Sounds like you leaned on her when you needed it but now you're not there for her. Doesn't take much effort to make a phone call.

So YABU

bananaandpear Fri 03-May-13 18:56:39

Its a namechange as I don't want one of my friends recognising me, yeah have had time for new boyfriend obviously he's important and I love him, I should of made more of an attempt to get in touch but wish they'd just said first. Like someone said it wasn't deliberate.

usualsuspect Fri 03-May-13 18:58:45

Sometimes friendships do drift apart.Do you want to make the effort to still be her friend?

somewhereaclockisticking Fri 03-May-13 18:59:30

Having kids and doing college will of course be busy but the one thing that is important is that you should always make time for your friends - the odd message or phone call. However I think she is being unreasonable to expect you to pay towards a trip that she invited you along to as a form of moral support and not has a vacation! You should explain that you didn't realise that she needed you to pay towards it and if you had you would never have gone because your benefits pays for you and your DC not to go galavanting off to some fertility clinic for her. She was however probably just throwing that in your face because she feels hurt you've not contacted her - it would be worth pointing out to her however that it takes 2 and she could easily have contacted you - if she hasn't tried to contact you recently then she is also in the wrong however if she has and you;ve ignored her messages then you are in the wrong. The friend with cancer obviously hasn't told her that the 2 of you are no longer friends. How did that come about? Is it worth just sending her a card to say you're thinking of her? If you want to keep your friend then you need to apologise but if there is fault on both sides then you shouldn't have to shoulder all the blame.

bananaandpear Fri 03-May-13 19:01:07

I don't know, I think she is jealous of me which makes being friends with her difficult at times as I think shes jealous of my DCs and the fact I've got a boyfriend easily when it took her ages to meet her husband and with me going to college I should get a really good job at the end, don't think she likes hers much.

flossieraptor Fri 03-May-13 19:02:44

I think it sounds like she is digging around for several reasons why she is pissed off with you. Perhaps you don't know her as well as you thought you did. Presumably, if the trip cost constituted a debt she would have done the sums before to let you know how much it would cost and at the end so you knew how much you owed. Did she do this? She didn't want to go alone, so brought you along without mentioning the money, so she's not so enamoured of you, she decided it was a loan and wants it back.

If the friend with cancer is no longer in touch with you then she clearly is not expecting a pally call wishing her well.

Fertility problems and cancer are both private issues. If I have a close friend with fertility problem I tread carefully. I certainly don't go probing around asking how my acquaintances are getting on that cycle.

Give yourself a break.

Booyhoo Fri 03-May-13 19:03:40

so another friend has stopped speaking to you aswell? there's a pattern forming right there OP. do you know why?

usualsuspect Fri 03-May-13 19:04:52

I think she did the right thing after reading your latest post.

Fakebook Fri 03-May-13 19:05:21

How big is this collage? Must be massive if its taking up all your time to make.

TidyDancer Fri 03-May-13 19:06:10

You don't sound very nice, OP.

JennyMackerz Fri 03-May-13 19:08:39

Are they friends or just acquaintances? if your friends are having fertility treatment/treatment for cancer, I would be in regular contact, even if it just a few texts to let them know you're thinking of them.

Only you know how real/close the friendships are though. And sometimes two people in the same friendship view it differently. I've had occasions where I thought somebody was a very good friend and they thought I was just one of a number of people they were very friendly with.

bananaandpear Fri 03-May-13 19:08:59

I don't know with the trip, it happened when we were quite close. I definitely had the impression she was happy to pay for my ticket & hotel room, tbh she'd have needed the room anyway.

It was about 2 months ago the lady with cervical cancer was diagnosed, and she deleted me from facebook a month later, when I asked why she said she only had time for people who cared about her.

maddening Fri 03-May-13 19:09:53

equally this friend hasn't been ringing you has she so yanbu - friendship goes both ways.

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