To wonder why the college aren't taking this seriously? [--TRIGGER WARNING--](47 Posts)
A few months ago, a close friend's son [we'll call him FS] went out drinking with a friend [A] of his he's known since primary school. He's in different classes to this lad and ended up tagging along with him and some of his friends from those classes. Whilst they were out drinking one of his friend's friends [B] started hitting on a girl at the club who was already drunk when they got there, as the night went on the other lads joined in giving her drink after drink, until she was absolutely wasted as FS described it.
FS was quite drunk himself but he mentioned to a bouncer that he thought they should get this girl out and in a taxi as she was falling over and clearly not in control, they said they'd keep an eye on her. At the end of the night they all left the club, the girl included, who apparently had to be half-carried out, he told A to make sure she got a taxi home and left to get the bus.
Next day he woke up and found that his friend A had tagged him in a picture on facebook that B had put up of the girl asleep in B's bed. He was joking in the comment about how she'd done the 'walk of shame' out of his apartment but he was gutted his mates hadn't seen her because they were asleep, he'd also gone into pretty graphic detail about how he'd had sex with her.
FS was absolutely horrified that he'd been stupid enough to let the girl go off with these lads and said he thought they were putting her in a taxi. He said there was no way this girl was sober enough to consent to have sex and he phoned the police and reported it. Turns out the girl has also reported it and it's being taken very seriously by them, apparently B has a previous accusation against him regarding date rape.
Anyway, FS posted on the picture that what B had done was rape, so when B was arrested they guessed that FS had something to do with it because of the post and it's well known FS's DM was the victim of domestic abuse and rape and that FS is really sensitive about it. All of these lads, including B, have started to bully FS in college. Barging into him in corridors, intimidation, rumors and insults etc. The college have not excluded B or anyone else and have suggested that FS should leave his classes earlier to avoid them in the corridors.
So on top of dealing with the guilt being 'that guy' who didn't step in when he knew he should of, he's being bullied and the college are shrugging it off. Aibu?
Go FS!! What a good person he must be. I'm so sorry it escalated but hope the police attention is useful in getting the school to take steps to stop the bullying.
Also, I know Facebook is not the generally a smart place to have arguments about this kind of issue, but I'm also impressed that he spoke out on it in response to the photo. That shit should not be making its way around social media tagged/commented on as if it were in any way acceptable. Good for him.
Another one wanting to say how great FS is, well done!
Yay for security cameras!
Double "Yay" for FS for continuing to find the strength to do the right thing.
Burke? once said "All it takes for evil to flourish is for good men to do nothing."
Here's hoping that B and his band of miscreants get what they deserve on all fronts.
Just wanted to say that I think FS is wonderful.
What a wonderful man - I really hope it all gets sorted soon.
FS sounds like a really wonderful man - we need more like him (and less like B)
I hope everything gets properly sorted out as it's totally unfair that he should have to deal with this bause and bullying when he was the one who did the right thing.
thanks for the update, how very stressful for you all,
I hope the meeting goes well, calm relentless persistence will help get you a decent result, could you get the police to speak to the head and make sure they understand how serious the situation,
our local police station are very good at helping with communications, make sure you share the log numbers of the incidents, so if there are any other occurrences, they get linked.
Fs and his dm are v brave and to be commended - b is really not helping himself is he - once a violent, ignorant and stupid bully always a violent ignorantand ststupid bully!
Hey guys, small update for you.
Had an incident with B over the weekend and FS's DM, he actually came to their house with a couple of friends and keyed their car and smashed in the back window, which is a massive escalation in the abuse, unfortunately for the little toss-pot she has security camera up due to her abusive ex, so she has it all on video! She's handed the tapes over to the police and he's been arrested, still waiting on news about that but it's likely they'll press for criminal damage and witness intimidation (FS has agreed co-operate this time and is telling them about how bad the abuse is getting.)
They also have an interview with the headmaster tomorrow, my DM is going with them. So I'll keep you updated on what happens.
This is absolutely disgusting; reading it makes me very, very angry.
What is worse is this boy (group of boys) don't seem to associate any stigma to what has happened and think bullying FS is also acceptable. Is it widely known in the college or are they trying to intimidate FS into keeping him quiet? This really shows what total disregard they have for anyone and they will continue to demonstrate this type of behaviour (and worse) through life until stopped in their tracks. The justice system need to start coming down really hard on people like this as an example and hopefully deterrent.
I'm appalled by the colleges lack of action. As someone upthread said, there should be a huge campaign about this kind of thing - starting with college. Frankly whether they are found guilty or not (and I believe you), the college should be warning all students as an awareness issue.
When i used to go out and on occasion drink a bit too much as teenage girl, we always used to go in a group of girls and would look out for each other, share taxis home even if it was some ridiculous roundabout route or try and stay at each others houses etc. Saddens me to read things like this.
I can't add anything practically either but just wanted to second the fs is amazing and did what most wouldn't. He should be very proud, although I'm sure he's not feeling that now
Any news op? Hoping some of this helped you. Best wishes
Another who just wants to say that FS, although it is probably small comfort, is amazing. I do hope the college start taking this seriously.
I have nothing new to add except I hope my son grows up to be like FS. He should not feel guilt over this. It is commendable that he could not see his childhood friend doing that because he wouldn't have. He was right to tell this boy what he did was wrong and a hero for backing this girl up. It wasn't an easy choice but he did it. Well done.
Fs is a star.
Email the Principal, cc the chair of governors, and say it is being taken up with the police. If there is a deputy responsible for pastoral care, include them too.
The point about email is that it is a permanent record, allowable in court, and people cannot usually reliably claim they didn't get it or were not copied in.
The points here are twofold:
Intimidation of a witness.
The college must have a policy on the former.
The latter is an offence and the young people concerned need to understand that it is. They may not. They may think "it's just bullying" iyswim. If the college it their parents do not see reason to inform them the police can.
But Fs or his mum needs to keep copies of the correspondence.
If it persists and nothing is done, they could complain to the body that oversees Fe or 6th form colleges.
And don't forget that the local councillors and MPs have a duty to their constituents. If I got no joy there, I would be hot foot, on the basis of if they condone this, WTF are they also turning a blind eye to? That's how some music colleges got away with it for so long, that no one was prepared to address the issues.
I too just wanted to add that FS is a star. It must mean SO much (whether she expresses it or not) to the girl that someone else reported it - and a guy.
Please, somehow, let him know that about thirty strangers are very proud of him.
As for A who thinks its not rape because she was drunk (sorry, can't remember why he thought this wasn't rape and on phone so can't see!) I think that is indicative of why there needs to be a MASSIVE campaign about this sort of thing - like condoms in the 90's. His attitude is both sickening and sad.
Anyway, well done FS and I second what everyone else has already said!
I second the excellent advice you've received about how best to help your friend's son. Am disgusted the College have taken this stance, frankly - sounds as though their anti-bullying policy urgently needs reviewing.
Am mostly posting to say how impressed I am with FS's behaviour. He has been very brave to speak out & to stand by his beliefs.
I'd just like to add that it's really important he lets go of feeling responsible for what happened. He couldn't have known what was going to happen & he was in no way complicit with the rape. Yes, if he'd seen her into the taxi it wouldn't have happened, but beating himself up with Ifs will only hurt him. There are lots of other Ifs that the whole thing turns on, all sorts of alternative scenarios where the rape wouldn't have occurred - including if the girl hadn't had so much to drink she wasn't able to get herself home safely. That doesn't make the rape her fault though. Not having personally seen her into the taxi doesn't make it FS's fault either. It is the rapist's fault she was raped, as is true in all rape cases.
It will harm FS to carry around this guilt/shame that is not his - is there a counsellor at the College or any other support service he could access? What has happened will have had a massive impact on him: feeling responsible; the stress of being a witness; the bullying; anxiety about possible outcomes; and of course the dredging up of feelings about the DV his mother suffered.
I would just like to say that FS is a total and utter star. If there were more men and women prepared to stand up and be counted the world would be a better place for everyone and especially women. I bet it makes a massive difference to the girl who was raped that he, a young man, has independently reported that this happened.
If my sons grow up to have half of his morals I will be extremely proud. Unfortunately for him there has been a back lash which is why it is now important for all of you to stand up for him, as you are doing.
Hope it all works out x
Your son is an amazing person.
If this was a school, they CAN exclude a pupil for something that happened off site and I suspect that a College's exclusion policy may have some similar conditions (ie 'bringing the name of the College into disrepute). Schools can also exclude, even where there are police investigations so again, it's possible that a college's policy will allow for this. AS others have said, obviously this is bullying and that certainly will be actionable. Ask to see their 'exclusions' policy and challenge them about the implementation of their anti-bullying policy.
This young man has done the right thing and deserves protection!
As well as speaking to the police your friend and/or her son should go straight to the Principal. Explain that they are also reporting this to the police and want an urgent meeting to discuss how the college are going to address this. She should to this in writing. If she gets no joy from the Principal the college should have a governing body and she should take this to them.
FS needs to keep a diary detailing these incidents - dates, times, place, witnesses.
He sounds like a wonderful young man and she should be very proud of him. When there is so much reporting out there about young men and their lack of respect for women it's heartening to read about such a sensitive and responsible lad.
FS is amazing, absolutly amazing.
He has totally done the right thing and the college should be helping him not making it easier for these boys to bully him
This is a very difficult situation for the college, but they should also be assisting your friend's son. I have to say I'm writing from experience of dealing with worse situations than this (sigh). Several things:
1. If there is police involvement, the college should now have been informed, but will not be able to exclude the boy as it happened off-site.
2. There will be a link police officer associated with the school. You could ask to speak directly to them as, if the boy has not been charged, they are the person who will be dealing with him. Let them know what is going on, as you may find this is actually a police issue rather than merely 'intimidation'
3. You do need to speak to the college. Formally request a meeting with whoever the relevant pastoral person is (don't know what they do in colleges!).
You are now potentially dealing with a situation where one child is testifying against another in a criminal case. When this has happened in our school (sigh), we have arranged the corridor and class meetings VERY carefully. In one instance, for example, the accused had all of his sets changed so that he was not in any of the same classes as the victims or those testifying against him. This meant dropping GCSE options where it was unfeasible to do this. Potential corridor and breaktime meetings were also prevented as he was required to leave all classes five minutes early......this could, of course, only happen when he had actually been charged.
They have done this situation over and over, so will have good advice,
He can do practical things like, make sure his fb has the highest privacy settings, he has a real friends list, and anyone else on there can still be his friend, but he should hide his updates from anyone he is not sure about,
keep busy, arrange to meet up with good friends and go and do activities,have a barbecue with friends, it helps to keep busy, it helps to get away from where you are, a short break from looking over your shoulder can really help, anyone he would have a fun time visiting?
Is there any older males who can talk to him and explain how proud they are of him, he will feel wobbles.
vary his routine, different routes,
He is helping someone who was raped, anyone saying anything negative about that is not his friend or a nice person.
Try to arrange lots of positives to look forward to, days out, trips, he needs to keep looking forward,
He also needs to be told it's not his fault, he couldn't of known this vile man would rape, he needs to be told, he is different, because he did the right thing , was brave and told the police,
He needs to be reassured that it's normal to feel the way he does about this, it would shake anyone up, he dealing with vile assholes brilliantly.
He needs to keep a diary of incidents.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.