to be angry/jealous/heart broken at every pregnant woman I see? Even on the TV!

(71 Posts)
icklemssunshine1 Fri 03-May-13 07:38:36

First time posting in AIBU so go easy on me.

Bit of background so no drip-feeding. Had MMC at 12 weeks in Feb, thought I had done by grieving & we had started to consider TTC again. Early April whilst on holiday I ended up in A&E (3 times!) with excruciating back pain. I since have learned I have 2 bulging discs & have to have 4 typed of meds 4 times a day to do the simplest of things. I've seen a consultant & am waiting for injections that may or may not work before surgery is considered. Anyway back to the point. I so want a baby my heart aches. Since our MC 4 people I know in RL have announced pregnancies & yesterday when I ventured out for the first time in weeks I seemed to be confronted with mass pregnant bellies. I can not consider TTC until this is all over & by then I maybe biologically too old.

AIBU to want to hide away forever so I never have to ever see a pregnant woman again - that includes destroying the TV sad

Kafri Sun 05-May-13 17:37:26

having feelings is never wrong IMO, whatever those feelings are.

I spent 6 years trying for my DS and finished up with IVF to have him.

While pg I had a really nasty lady shout at me about how she was sick and tired of having to see people get so easily what she couldnt have and why did I deserve to be pg when she couldnt. she said 'ive been teying for ages and it isn't going to happen'. there was I thinking she was in a similar position to me (in needing help to conceive) when she continued 'ive been trying for the last 4 months and nothing is happening, and my stupid f**** doctor won't do anything at all'. shock

dont give up hope of it happening. yes its hard to watch. I watched many friends/acquaintances/strangers getting pg and it hurt each time but I really tried to turn it round. after all, I knew how special it was by the very fact that I wanted it so badly.

the hardest people to watch having babies was actually younger siblings of friends that id actually babysat for as a teenager.

jellybeans Sun 05-May-13 13:31:06

I felt the same when I lost my DDs at 21, 23 weeks and my other earlier losses. It was beyond painful. Even when I got pg I felt odd with pg women as they seemed so relaxed whereas I knew I had a 50% chance of late losses and major complications throughout. On the happy side I did have 4 healthy pregnancies in between although needed injections, cervical stitches, blood transfusions etc it was very worth it. But I still remember how isolating and painful and utterly dreadful a time it was. Wishing you much luck for a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby.

Greypuddle Sun 05-May-13 12:43:57

OP I echo Meerkat about reading statistics. Here are my statistics - husband left me at 38, met a wonderful new man, mc'd at 6 weeks then went on to have a baby and I'm 42. Mc is awful and I'm so sorry for you, but please please try not to worry and stress about your age.

PicardyThird Sun 05-May-13 12:38:35

I'm lucky enough to have always conceived quickly and, most of all, to have two lovely children, but I have also had miscarriages - one before dc1, two between dc1 and dc2, then one last year and I found out this week that I have had no. 5. The fourth miscarriage hit me particularly hard, for a number of reasons, and I have been struggling for a while now and tbh am just unable to deal with the fact that it is happening again, so I am shutting it out, glossing over it, thinking of the next pregnancy already. And I am, unfortunately, struggling with pregnant friends, even if they have had a tough time with fertility themselves.

It really is incredibly tough on us. Some of our feelings may not be 'nice' but they're all very human.

EeyoreIsh Sat 04-May-13 20:00:03

YANBU. I could have written your post. I miscarried at 7 weeks in mid Feb. we'd been trying to conceive for two years, so we were overjoyed to get a bfp.

Three months later, there is still a bit of me that feels broken and lost. We're about to start ivf at the end of this month.

I've a friend who is due a week or two after I would have been, my sister six weeks before. a colleague's wife with the same due date. travelling into work and back I frequently see pregnant women, it breaks my heart.

I don't have any words of advice to give you, just <hugs> and flowers

YBR Sat 04-May-13 19:49:55

I felt the same after 2 MMC, it became evident to me that those who hadn't been there seemed to think my grief illogical/unreasonable. I received some appalling comments from those who'd never experienced MC, yet anyone who had was just as bad telling me their story in detail when I really didn't need it. I now have a DD, and while I'm sure everyone except DH has forgotten the MMCs, it still gets me from time to time.
I think it is esp. hard to get through grief for a MC as we usually don't have any reason for it, and no fond memories of the "person" we've lost. It is still a recognizable grieving process though.

SimplyRedHead Sat 04-May-13 19:45:30

Poor you OP - I really feel for you x

Just to add that I had 3 mc when I was 35 and went to see my GP because I was worried about all the stats and my age.

She just laughed at me and told me to start worrying in 10 years! I got pregnant again the same month and now have a 3 week old

You really do have plenty of time (although I was the most impatient person ever so understand completely the urgency to be pregnant).

Best of luck x

OwlinaTree Sat 04-May-13 18:16:01

I feel similar to you, it took me 19 months to conceive my dd, then she died at 3 days old.

I think it's the thought that it might never happen, that you are never going to get to be a parent that is so terrifying, and makes it so hard to see others having what will (statistically speaking) be straightforward pregnancies all around you.

Hang in there. We will get there one day.

KippersAndMackerel Sat 04-May-13 16:06:17

This may be completely unhelpful, but if there is a chance of you being too old after, have you considered having your eggs harvested now, then used in surrogacy?

vickchick Sat 04-May-13 14:48:44

It is not surprising that you feel the way you do, and you have every right to feel that way. However, hope remains that you will be able to have a family of your own in the future and you should focus on those positive thoughts. Even where hope is sparse, there is always a chance and many of the stories here prove that good things can come from difficult situations. Wishing you all good things in your future.

JennySense Sat 04-May-13 13:26:50

Just wanted to chip in - I had secondary infertility [where you get pg once and then have difficulty conceiving again]
It took me 8 years to have another baby - the only 2 pg in this time ended in m/c.
I got a lot of comfort from www.fertilityfriends.co.uk - brilliant source of information
Also I recommend Miscarriage: What every Woman needs to know by Lesley Regan although it is a little dated now.
Since m/c is common, GPs often wait until at least 3 before investigating but I would recommend asking if there is an early pregnancy/miscarriage unit you can be referred to.
You still have time on your side, but it is wise to be proactive I think - Fertility Friends can help you get good information and support.
Wishing you all the best
x

StanleyLambchop Sat 04-May-13 11:19:56

OP, I had a very similar problem to you many years ago. I also feared that I would not have children due to the medication/general ropey state of my back. But- my eldest is about to go up to senior school and I have another one since. So, it is possible that you will have a baby, just give yourself time to get over this problem first, then review the situation. Once my back problems were sorted, they have not come back and they had no lasting effect on my ability to carry a child. Hopefully if you can get over this idea that it will never happen, then the sight of the bumps won't bother you so much!

Agnesmum Sat 04-May-13 08:10:09

So, so sorry for your loss. I had three miscarriages but didn't tell anyone, apart from my close family. My mum actually asked her local vicar to come and talk to me as I was so down and she was worried about me. All he did was talk about his new baby and toddler!!

The Miscarriage association were brilliant though. I had to put up with lots of comments from insensitive people asking me when I was going to have a baby etc etc. It broke my heart. All my friends were having babies and I felt so sad. (I went on to have two boys) Don't give up, take it one step at a time, don't be hard on yourself.

I have also had two steroid injections in my frozen shoulder which worked brilliantly.

Sending you lots of positive thoughts.

icklemssunshine1 Sat 04-May-13 07:30:21

First of all can I say thank you to everyone's messages of support - I am thankful for all the responses. Has made me feel less alone although I am sorry for everyone's losses, or fertility issues, sad to think this world has no much heartache.
sweetiepie - I took some of your advice & kept ringing the consultant's secretary & am booked in for my injections at then end of the month. According to statistics I should be pain free in 2 weeks after that although it could be 6 or in cases of 1/1000 it doesn't work at all. I'm due for some good luck I think after this year! I am also booked into see a private physio which I'll have to pay for but I think at the moment I'm so down with both the emotional & physical pain any money spent to make myself better will be a small price to pay.

thebody - that's exactly how I feel. I thought it would get easier not harder, who said "time heals"? Bloody FB, who invented it? I've started to 'hide' all friends who are pg or who have just had babies, son I'll have no friends left!!

Nikki & for the other poster who worked in HR (sorry for not remembering your name!), I feel so much for you. Just the waiting of not being able to TTC is upsetting me so I can't even begin to understand how you are feeling. Big hugs to you both.

Once again thank you all, you have made me feel so much better.

NikkiLaLa Fri 03-May-13 21:09:49

YANBU.. I have a 4.5yo (we tried for 5 years to get pg with him) and we have been trying for another for 4 years now, it's completely soul destroying. I see pregnant women everywhere I go, friends/family are getting pregnant at the drop of a hat and I have shut down my FB because in the last week there were 8 pregnancies announced amongst my friends. I'm so bad at the moment that I cannot go into Mothercare (it has an ELC so that's why I was still going in there), i cannot go down the baby aisle in the supermarket and I cried yesterday when I drove past the hospital when I had my ds. Feel like I'm losing the plot half the time!

I am so sorry for your loss, I really do hope that your back is better soon and that you get a quick bfp once you start ttc. You are most definitely not too old! Wishing you all the luck in the world xxx

thermalsinapril Fri 03-May-13 21:01:56

> Month after month I would put on my 'brave face', saying how wonderful it was, whilst I was screaming inside.

Yes. That's what people don't see, isn't it? They have no idea.

Happiestinwellybobs Fri 03-May-13 20:22:54

Whilst I have no experience of MC, I can try and empathise with you. I was TTC for 10 years. In that time my Dsis fell pregnant as soon as she came off the pill, then again by accident.. I work in HR and was the main contact for all pregnant employees. Month after month I would put on my 'brave face', saying how wonderful it was, whilst I was screaming inside.

I think you have to put yourself first. Don't be afraid to remove yourself from upsetting situations, and take time out. We are all different - for me, those red raw feelings eventually dulled a little, although the grief i went through when told IVF was unsuitable is unforgettable.

Don't ever give up though. I know of a woman in her 40s who having tried for 20 years to get pregnant, thought she was going through the menopause only to find out she was pregnant with twins! And I ended up adopting DD smile

Matildaandthematches Fri 03-May-13 20:10:46

Just wanted to echo everyone else. It's a very normal reaction. I had three miscarriages before my two children. I had to shut down my FB accounts for months because I couldn't take the scan pictures, I wouldn't watch soaps in case there was a pregnancy story, I once burst into tears on a bus because I had to give up my seat for a pregnant lady and I just wanted to shout that it should have been me.

So I wanted to say
1) I know it doesn't feel like it now but you will one day reach a point where you don't even well up talking about it.
2) there is nothing to make me think you won't one day have a family and you'll look back at this day and won't believe how much has changed in a short space of time.
3) you, like me, will always be one of the people who is sensitive about who and how they tell about their pregnancies having been through a MC. I always think now that I'm glad to know how tough it is and that I have never unintentionally put another woman through the same. I'm always sad for people who have had a MC but also think 'there's another woman who knows and will make it easier for unlucky women after her'. Dunno why but it helps me!

Lolapink Fri 03-May-13 19:47:13

The feelings you have are totally normal, having TTC'ed for 7 years. I used dread pregnancy announcements, and every where I went all I saw was babies.

wintertimeisfun Fri 03-May-13 19:38:59

flowers to all of you how are ttc. best of luck to you all flowers

MoominsYonisAreScary Fri 03-May-13 19:22:27

Cortisone is a steroid injection

melika Fri 03-May-13 17:26:09

You are not alone, been there, you will get through. Good luck.thanks

Triumphoveradversity Fri 03-May-13 17:03:06

Not sure if cortisone and steroid are the same thing, hopefully a medical bod will confirm. I'm glad though sad that lots of people have said they felt or feel the same. Because you feel very alone with those feelings.

I hid all my pg friends on fb updates. I just get so enraged my so many annoying updates that I now stay off FB altogether.

thebody Fri 03-May-13 16:55:18

Op I think a bereavement actually gets worse as time goes on as in the beginning there is the numb shock and all the support.

As time goes on and people stop being so supportive I think it's far more lonely. You also have had the time to dwell on your loss.

Hugs and I hope things work out for you.

sweetiepie1979 Fri 03-May-13 16:50:27

People can be so insensitive with pregnancy announcements!!! You poor thing , my god I feel for you. What I would say is that you have loads of time too. And I feel like a bit of a back queen so I can tell you that the book treat your own back is better than any nhs Physio you receive for disc trouble and perhaps if it has been nhs Physio you've seen you get a recommendation of a good private one and they will help! Keep going back to your doctor, then phone neuro surgeon to get bumped up the list beg them cry whatever if you need the op for the disc that's hitting the spinal cord you will be right as rain a few days after loads of people have had that op and pain free in days. With disc trouble the only way out is to do the exercises ive had a prolapse disc this is my 7th week for 2 weeks I was glued to floor using a bed pan then I managed to walk in agony for a week then slowly I am improving all the time. From day 2 of the pain I have done my Physio exercises 7/8 times a day they are the same exercises from the treat your own back book. So that will safe you money of you can't afford private Physio it's all in that book. I also get acupuncture every week in to my bum to loosen of that big muscle. I know your in pain but "this too shall pass" keep saying it to yourself stay strong positive mental attitude to back pain is very important. Xox

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